Hi, I'm new here :)
I don't really know how to start this off, but I'm not even sure if this is OCD. Once i get a thought in my head that I don't like, It stays there and doesn't leave me alone. I get many thoughts on things that I don't like. Right now for example is religion.
I'm born and raised in a Muslim family and as a kid i followed it, with everyone telling me that Islam is the right way. When I turned 14, I began to question a lot of stuff. I started comparing it to science and believed in science more, because it made sense to me, and I had proof. Ever since then I haven't really cared about Islam. I knew once I'm going to turn 18, I can do whatever I want; I want to be able to date, wear whatever I want (not slutty), and live my life freely, and with no religious rules.
Recently my dad told me that we might move to Dubai in 2 years, and that set me off thinking. I keep having thoughts likes, "what if i start turning towards Islam again?", "what if I end up becoming housewife?", what if this happens or what if that happens. For some reason, my brain likes to create a dead end for me. The scary thing about these thoughts is that , when I say "No, i don't want that" it says that "I will be like that no matter what" or "I will soon end up being like that" or "That i will like it".
I, in all honesty don't want to be a Muslim, I've had it. I don't want to surround myself with other Muslim girls, who are being super shy and talking about the day they will be married. I don't like the Muslim household "ways". I'm actually very thank full my parents aren't like that, they want me to get a good education, and their not super strict( in the sense of not making me pray 5 times a day, or making me wear a headscarf). But the thing is that if I go to a far away college, they would move with me. I don't want that. I have wore skirts and shorts behind their back with no leggings underneath and even tank tops, I mean is there anything wrong with that? I'm not wearing skimpy clothes. And now when i think of wearing skirts and shorts, I get thoughts, "you shouldn't do that" "it's not right" and i don't like these thoughts. I have seen other Muslim girls wear shorts and skirts and their parents are totally fine with it. I fear that I might turn into a goody-good Muslim, And I DO NOT want that. But my thoughts or my mind counterattacks and says that I Will want that. I'm scared of that.
I use to obsess over being a hypochondria, Hocd, and pretty much anything that will keep me away from living my OWN life my way. I have been thinking of applying to a university in the UK, but now my thoughts say that i shouldn't, that it wouldn't be worth it. I really want to get out of this religion thing.
I did go to a therapist for anxiety but i stopped, because I thought I was okay. I'm thinking of asking my doc for OCD medications but I don't know how to do it. Will there be a test? I don't even know if i have OCD. I took some tests online, and they said that I did, but then again I shouldn't believe that. Would medications actually work?