I can't deal with this OCD anymore!!

[auocd]

I can only think over and over, "Why do I do his to myself!" It's not as serious as some cases I've been reading, but it's nearly ruining my life!

I'm an 18 years old, and very religious, or at least born in a religious setting. I think I've had my OCD since I was in the 5th grade, and I cvan remember the day so clearly when I heard that first thought in my head. I was in the kitchen, about to close a cupboard, when I heard, "That cupboard's not closed properly. If you don't close it again, you will die." Almost in that exact phrasing. And I had never heard anything like this before in my life, and I thought it was the voice of the Devil, so I did it multiple times until I felt comforted that it was closed and went downstairs to sit with my parents. From that day on, I washed my hands compulsively. My sister rubbed what I thought was blood on my bed (red ink) and I thought it had AIDS germs (how ignorant I was) and I didn't sleep on my own bed for nearly 2 years. I would touch things, and if I didn't do so, voices will tell me "Your mother will die" or "Your dad will get dementia" and I was so scared of these things coming to pass, that I did it all. Touching doorknobs, flicking on and off light switches. I would do this until 8th grade. It was hard to hide my rituals from others, but I found ways to mask them, but my sister found out and I told my dad. It stopped for a while. But the thoughts continue even now. Somehow my OCD has maifested into a internal form. "If you don't finish what your mother asked you to do, you will fail in life" "If you check your email now, you will die" It's keeping me from doing anything productive! I'm too scared to not do the rituals because I feel like somehow some of these things might come true. As a Christian, I was raised to believe that the things you fear most will come to pass if you worry. So now I worry about worrying about these things, and the cycle never ends and I'm too scared to not touch something or do something, unless someone I love will get hurt.

I'm also severely afraid of becoming a lesbian since my family was raised to shun that kind of living. I'm afraid to find things attractive and I have such horrible sacrilegious thoughts, stemming from lustful ones to seeing blasphemous images that I think God is shunning me and the only way to show him I care about him is by praying of going to church. I can't tell anyone these things and yet I'm posting them now. I have never received any treatment (but I am taking medication prescribed from the schools psychiatrist). I am also clinically diagnosed with depression, and self-diagnosed with hypochondria (I'm grade school I believed I had cancer and looked for bumps, if I saw a tick on me I would read the symptoms for Lyme disease, and have since been feeling pains as if I have cancer all throughout my body).

Then in High School, the stress I had turned into a physical expression. I thought I had horrible body odor, and I would cry. People would make fun of me. I would see counselors and talk to friends who would say that I didn't smell. It wasn't until I graduated that I found out my stress found its way out where I would smell in high-anxiety situations (packed classrooms, assembly) and not smell when surrounded by trusted friends (smalls groups, teachers). I rectified this in college where I tried to cool off and I would be normal in a crowd where I could melt away. But my parents started fighting at home, I had to commute through a two hour ride to get to school, I wasn't making friend - the stress built up. I got through one semester before becoming Beverly depressed and having to take a medical leave.

I really don't know what to do anymore. I'm not suicidal because I believe my life has a greater purpose, but I would've taken it had I not been raised that way. I've gone to church, had people say that I should rebuke the "demon" in my head, that I'm thinking wrongly. I've done it, and I just want help. Religion has only made this mental problem worse, and its probably from some kinda chemical imbalance in my brain or some genetic predisposition (my father is currently suffering from and undiagnosed mental disorder, which is whats causing these fights with my mother).

[adel_ezz]

don't take antidepressants alone. some pdocs put pts on AD and end up manic (different disorder) so if you consider antidepressants take with it a milder form antipsychotic, like risperidone 1mg (of course you will be guidede by a pdoc). The no of bipolars is in the rise due to Ad's alone. I was dx OCD and had thoughts like you until i turned manic

[Truthforreals]

Start on Zoloft(brand) not a generic. Or Daxid which is the same as zoloft. It international but same and will be somewhat cheaper. You should realize that if and when the zoloft works, you will probably be about a month in. It does work for a good percentage of people with OCD. You should start at 25mg. and ease in to it. By 30 days you want to be at 200mg. This is where it is most effective for OCD. in most cases. In order for zoloft to be most effective you must not smoke. Smoking will effect how well it works in most cases. I'm going off personal experience and everyone is differen't so their are no guarantees. I think this will help you but you have to be patient as the stuff takes a while.
You should find a good doctor who can help you out with everything. Note: if you take zoloft in morning it won't effect your sleep in evening generally. This may be just what you need.
Good Luck. I know how you feel. Its annoying.

[hmf099]

i agree 100% with everything princessdaniella said. i have more fears than I want to think about, but therapy and medication really do help. I'm not "cured", but I'm getting better. Talk to a pro. Let us know how you're doing

[Princessdaniella]

You should be seeking help from a professional, you need to speak to someone face to face. Bottling these feelings up are not useful for You or helpful, you could try keeping a journal of these thoughts and others You may want in it. A tracker of when You and how often You have a thought to either turn a light off or close a door and etc.
You should be seeing someone and it should be diagnosed and treated before You get older and its more difficult to deal with.
These thoughts are pushing there way into your mind because it was something you were taught against, something that You wouldn't do not because Your about to but because You fear doing it because You were bought up against it just remember that