Aa
so many doubts
Hello all,
I have struggled with depression for a long time (since teenage years- I am 25 now) but in the last year or two I have succumbed to many intrusive thoughts, which I had not experienced before.
This is much worse than the depression. I have had a lot of horrible thoughts, but the ones that upset me the most are that 1) Maybe I hit a pedestrian with a car but I didn't realize it our blanked it out of my memory and 2) That I have somehow contracted HIV from day-to-day activities. On the worst days, I spend anywhere from 4-6 cumulative hours trying to make these thoughts go away by making lists of my activities, researching the internet, prayer and a lot of other "mental" rituals, i.e. my compulsions are not very obvious to other people.
I am just wondering if these are familiar themes to OCD sufferers. My therapist says it all sounds like OCD but the thoughts feel SO real sometimes. I often wonder if I know deep down that I have really committed some terrible act and I am just covering up my guilt by calling it OCD, even though I don't remember any of these supposed acts.
Hoping someone else can relate.
I have struggled with depression for a long time (since teenage years- I am 25 now) but in the last year or two I have succumbed to many intrusive thoughts, which I had not experienced before.
This is much worse than the depression. I have had a lot of horrible thoughts, but the ones that upset me the most are that 1) Maybe I hit a pedestrian with a car but I didn't realize it our blanked it out of my memory and 2) That I have somehow contracted HIV from day-to-day activities. On the worst days, I spend anywhere from 4-6 cumulative hours trying to make these thoughts go away by making lists of my activities, researching the internet, prayer and a lot of other "mental" rituals, i.e. my compulsions are not very obvious to other people.
I am just wondering if these are familiar themes to OCD sufferers. My therapist says it all sounds like OCD but the thoughts feel SO real sometimes. I often wonder if I know deep down that I have really committed some terrible act and I am just covering up my guilt by calling it OCD, even though I don't remember any of these supposed acts.
Hoping someone else can relate.
I have had the fear too that maybe I don't have OCD and am just trying to cover up legitimate concerns with it. But that just proves my OCD, it seems.
I've had the environmental HIV fear, the hit-and-run fear, etc.
OCD is rough stuff.
I've had the environmental HIV fear, the hit-and-run fear, etc.
OCD is rough stuff.
That sounds like a great plan. I hope this new therapist can shed some new light on your OCD and teach you CBT. I too had to go up in dose on my Wellbutrin, it did take a good 4 to 6 weeks to see the real benefit of it so hopefully with your dosage increase you will start to see some lessening of symptoms. Good luck!
Hi JGF,
Thank you for the book recommendation. I have seen that title before in passing but I never actually picked it up. I did buy a book called "OCD Demystified" by Cheryl Carmin. It leans a little toward the "clinical" side, but it is fascinating to read about the disease and the people it affects (also makes me realize it could probably be a lot worse).
I'm sorry to hear you have intrusive thoughts as well, but it sounds like you have had a positive history with medicine?? Believe it or not I am actually 4 months or so on Paxil, but I only just started a higher dose a few days ago, so we'll see if that improves things. As far as CBT I know very little about that, as my therapist doesn't specialize in OCD. I am seeing a new psychologist this week, though, so even with all the anxiety I do have a positive outlook about treatment!
Take Care
Thank you for the book recommendation. I have seen that title before in passing but I never actually picked it up. I did buy a book called "OCD Demystified" by Cheryl Carmin. It leans a little toward the "clinical" side, but it is fascinating to read about the disease and the people it affects (also makes me realize it could probably be a lot worse).
I'm sorry to hear you have intrusive thoughts as well, but it sounds like you have had a positive history with medicine?? Believe it or not I am actually 4 months or so on Paxil, but I only just started a higher dose a few days ago, so we'll see if that improves things. As far as CBT I know very little about that, as my therapist doesn't specialize in OCD. I am seeing a new psychologist this week, though, so even with all the anxiety I do have a positive outlook about treatment!
Take Care
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Herpes sores blister, then burst, scab and heal.
Herpes spreads by oral, vaginal and anal sex.
STIs are the most common cause of genital sores.
Condoms are the most effective way to prevent HIV and STDs.
PrEP is used by people with high risk to prevent HIV infection.
I agree with your therapist, these intrusive thoughts do sound like OCD. I hear you about the mental rituals so it does sound like you have learned some CBT but it really isn't working if you are spending 4-6 hours a day battling these same thoughts. Does your therapist specialize in CBT? I'm sure you have a good relationship with him/her and wouldn't want to switch at this point anyway.
There is a book that people recommend which I haven't read yet called the OCD Workbook. It is available through Amazon pretty cheap so it may be worth you looking into. I think it teaches CBT techniques. Maybe others that you have not learned yet that might be more useful to you.
Lastly, have you given thought to medication? I have had intrusive thoughts. I can understand the HIV one very well and I'm almost certain that I have had the "hit and run" thought but I don't think that one stayed around very long. Mine were more toward harming the people I love without meaning to or accidentally harming them, burning down the house, etc. Many etc. actually :) To be honest with you, I don't think I could manage my rampant OCD without medication. I say rampant because I did spend quite a few years medication free with manageable OCD. I do practice my CBT (breathing, etc.) when I have the occasional panic attack but for the most part my OCD is in check with medication/CBT. That is why I was asking about it. Some people simply don't want to take it and I completely understand that.
I wish I could be of more help to you. If you have any other questions, let me know.