I needed to find a place to vent outside my country.
Trigger warning: Suicide, self-harm, eating disorder, depression, anxiety
This is me:
* Single mum, 36 years old.
* Great connection with ex-husband, we're still good friends and my children's bonusmother + his wife and I get along well.
* My daughter is 14, my son is 11
* I am a fulltime student
* I work part time
* I live in a small community (5000 inhabitants), on a remote island.
* Both children have had the British Covid-19 mutation. I mention that due to its cognitive long-term effects.
* I have previously been struggling with a deep depression, was suicidal for ten years and had several attempts "behind me". Fully recovered today.
My daughter began "changing" in December. From the lively, playful, funny, outgoing, day-dreaming kid, to a secluded, depressed, anxiety-ridden, anorexic, self-harming, suicidal teenager. These five months have been rough. The last part I had a gut-feeling about the past weeks, and it was confirmed two days ago when, while fetching some plates and glasses in her room, I found a letter she had written where she had planned her funeral. It had been ripped out of her diary, and I took the liberty to read it. Sorry, not sorry. She had updated the funeral plan to a new one + what seems to be the beginning of a suicide note. She had finished it mid-sentence, which, in my logic meant she was still planning it.
During the easter we had already been to the E.R to get her help, which she wanted herself (a great sign!), After a lot backwards and forwards the school nurse contacted me five days ago telling me the only psychologist on the island is on sick-leave, they don't know when he will return. I guess this is when she wrote her new funeral plan.
So I called the E.R and demanded they help her. I told them all I knew, that I'd also started finding bloody toilet paper in her bedroom due to self-harm, and that I was worried she was going to off herself. They were able to admit her to a hospital and we left the same day. I stopped midway following my gut feeling to buy a safe for all medication in my house.
We were admitted to a closed psychiatric ward for teenagers. Here it is required the parent or guardian stays the first night. A doctor and nurse had a talk with the both of us where I mentioned everything again from my point of view, and she nodded or shook her head to some questions. We were given a room with two beds, they removed anything she could harm herself with and left us there.
Yesterday (day 2) we were told another doctor and nurse would evaluate her, and talk to me. They talked to her first, an myself ten minutes later. They said she had asked for me to stop coming in to her room and "glaring" at her. I told them its true that I do come into her room, but I am her mother and I know my daughter is not ok, that she is struggling and feels lonely. And I hope that one time those 10-20 seconds extra of lingering after I have told her it's dinner will be that one time she reaches out and says "mum, wait... can you stay". They told me my lingering had caused her to self-harm, though my gut-feeling tells me she is saying that to manipulate (it wouldn't be the first time). I promised I wouldn't linger, and she has promised not to do anything stupid.
We have something called "children and teenager psychiatric" here in Norway, aka BUP. We were told they would contact BUP and that they would get back to us first thing Tuesday so that she wouldn't get lost in the system. So we have promised not to do anything to cause a conflict until then. They discharged us, as they didn't believe (from what she had told them) she was in an immediate risk of harming herself.
Anyway, we got home and I "collapsed" in bed. Really short I have several autoimmune diagnoses + two trapped nerves in my brain which are triggered when I cry, and I had been holding it all in as to not bring attention to myself. I wasn't able to sleep so I downloaded tiktok to see if I could find any more answers. Back in March I had promised my daughter not to look at her account on tiktok, and I deleted tiktok to prove to her I wasn't "stalking her". Anyway, downloaded it again, found her open account pretty fast and discovered any gut feeling I had was true:
For 6 weeks she had been posting that she is planning to kill herself, how (jumping off a tall structure), self-harm, eating disorder, just anything- in detail. She has posted things like "next week I'm doing it.... bye". And the same "friends" have been commenting "don't you dare do it before me", "we can do it together", "don't do it, you can fight this" +++.
The latest video she posted she said she had been to the hospital and that she lied about everything to them just so she could get out. In a comment to someone else she wrote she will tell BUP everything (which, of course brings me hope that she's planning to last that long). She had also posted a video saying "mum just showed me where she keeps all her painkillers". I remember she complained about a headache this day. So my gut-feeling in buying a safe was right. (Guns isn't a thing here in Norway, so I don't have to worry about that)...
Also worth mentioning we live 1 km away from a very tall bridge, and the last person who killed himself in our county jumped off the bridge. It's the go - to place for those wanting to end it here.
So yeah, I'm really tired. I don't know what to do, and I know that anything I do and don't do is wrong or right.
I have tried confiscating her phone or turning off the internet, but then she has ended up self-harming, so that is not a solution.
I'm sure I have forgotten something, but I am SO tired. I have to go to work today, so I'm making a deal with her that I will send her a message which she MUST reply to, or I'll come right home. I work 5 minutes away from home.
Another short term solution I have made is that we have two budgies and have wished for another one for several months. My daughter told me the other day that "if we get a new bird I want to call it Quackity. So yesterday I found a woman selling a 7 week old budgie which we're driving to pick up in half an hour. She will be responsible for the budgie while I'm at work.
PS: My son knows little of what is going on apart from that she is struggling with food, as this is the most obvious one.