10 year old son

[lindeyluhu]

Have a 10 year son who we constantly fight with to do his homework, he has a bad attitude right now and low self esteem.  He says he has no friends at school, they call him the "R" word.  On his report card he has A,B, C's and one F.   At conferences they didn't mention anything of him having a attitude there, so...thinking it might be at home.
He thinks his 8 year old brother is the main cause.  We have gone through testing for learning disablities in 2nd grade, he has improved so much.  Now dealing with bad negavitive behavior.
Need help or suggestions on what steps next.

[lindeyluhu]

That is forsure!  Always working on it and  trying to improve!

[margypops]

well done you are learning, not easy is it, we deserve a medal us parents...

[lindeyluhu]

you are right about material stuff, but I thinking little stuff.  They thrilled when I let them buy a $1 item at the dollar store.  Haven't decided on what yet. Maybe, like the one who has the most good behavioral points, gets to pick out the movie for family movie night, etc. or gets to choose where we go out to eat on Friday nights (that is a weekly Friday event we do)   I don't buy them everything they want, I would NEVER have money!
They don't get name brand, only if it is on clearance/or a good sale.  I don't buy, unless on sale.  I know they know that from shopping with me!  Acutually, they know I won't buy them toys.  
I caught  myself saying something to the older one (G) the way he was eating and he would respond "Well...C is eating the same way"  and then I said
"I said I'm sorry I didn't notice" and responded to C to please eat right.  It had to do with the cheese on the enchilada :-)   He was fine, and they did break the cheese in 1/2 then.
so, I am trying to be more alert about the little things I might say.

[margypops]

You have got the gift thing nailed but it very often the quality of attention ,nothing to do with the material stuff, and sometimes ( I have been there) its as simple of how we feel, I know my younger child was alot easier to get on with so my older child didnt get the same response from me ,I am not saying it is the same with you but they notice it and the be very honest it cant be changed too easily , to this day my children have sibling rivalry and I am still in the middle !!

[lindeyluhu]

Thanks, I will try different rooms.   I usually have them in the same room different corners when doing time out. Not in the same room with me, I can hear them but not see them.  Sometimes they still are worried what the other is doing, and continue talking, etc.   So.....I tell them that I want to hear quiet, no talking, crying, ect and I won't start the timer until I hear it.   Most of the time they get quiet then.   I feel bad that sometimes time out longer than their age, but not extreme time, 15-20 the most.   They both do the equal amount of time, otherwise that is all I would hear is "well, why does he get to get up before me?"
They don't like one to get something different than each other, so at gift giving holidays, birthdays, they get the same or I give gift cards and then we go pick anything out.  It is funny, most of the time it is the same.  Their birthdays are 2 years and 1 week apart.
If one need jeans really bad, they both get new pair of jean. When they were younger  shirts I had to buy the same, because one would alway be upset because one got the cooler shirt, that have gotten alot better now.   I say I treat them pretty fair and don't favor one.  Or I should say in my eyes I don't,know about my 10 year old........in his eyes it might be different.  I don't buy something for only one.
Thanks again, you have been wonderful talking to and very helpful to me!!!!  :-)

  

[margypops]

PS seperate them up if they start to fight, "into your room" no TV No PC" stay there end do your homework," if they share a room, one in the living room, one in the bedroom , get tough on them , but firmly ,quietly, set the rules and stick to them.make sure Dad does his share,, Good luck

[lindeyluhu]

thanks!  I will try the supplements too!
You have helped me alot, I really appreciate your advise!  You have made me feel better about the situation.  I will have to let you know how things are going.  I will try anything, but medications.
Have a great day!

[margypops]

A chart sounds like a good idea, and do get your husband getting both of them involvfd in sports and activities especially out side,it would be good if Dad made time for them even if he works a lot ,these boys are important, we have the lighter nights coming soon, so maybe you could all do some games outside ,it doesnt have to be on weekends although it would be good to have fun with them some weekends aswell. I think you are right to go the route of trying other ways instead of labels and  drugs given to children  with side effects.Which boy starts the fight there is usually a trigger point? Try giving them both supplemnts VitC and VIt B Complex and fish oil is good.some experts have written that this can have the same efficacy as Ritalin.

[lindeyluhu]

thanks for the info.  I try to be fair to both.  When both boys are fighting and I have asked 3x warnings to stop, they both do time out.  
I am going to change things around the house too!   I am going to try doing a behavioral chart each week and reward him (actually for both)
I think you are right about attention, specially from his dad.  Dad will stay home while I go to the store and then he starts acting up. Dad usually works both days on the weekend, we are a self employed business.  He will need to something with each child on different weekends.  They are usually good, little fighting with me, but I do have
The 10 year is totally different from the 8 year old.  More sensitive, not into sports, his feelings do get hurt, specially when he wants to be friends with someone, and they don't want too.  He is more concerned about others following the rules, and not himself.  He did start a new school this year,in a smaller town,  misses his old friends, and that might be an issue there.
Thanks for listening, any suggestions welcome.
I just want to try something instead of labeling him with  Impulsivity ADD/ADHD.

[margypops]

Did you listen to your son when he told you he was unhappy with his relationship with his younger brother?Did he say why, and what are the dynamics between them , is he jealous as the younger one who possibly gets more positive attention from you  and his Dad , if this could be true, it would be good to work on that and give him plenty of positive attention, focus on doing things with him, get Dad involved playing Games and sports and having fun..sometimes we dont realise how the eldest child gets left out, fortunatly it is easy to change this by simply giving them both equal time and attention,Good luck.