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Need help, out of options - bad behavior 6yr old
I have a 6 and 10yr old. We are a military family and both boys have been diagnosed with ADHD, as well as my 10 yr also has ODD. My 10 yr old has straighted up for the most part, compared to his behavior a year or 2 years ago. His major issues now are lying, sloppiness and not caring on his homework and being sneaky. We can handle this for the most part.
The major problem is with our 6yr old. He has had tubes in his ears 2ce, adnotes and tonsils removed and occassionally still gets fluid in his ears. His speech is delayed and he is in speech therapy, twice a week at school. He is having troubles learning to read, more less staying focused on trying to read. He will guess off the wall words instead of sounding it out and forgets the word in 2 secs after us telling him what it is. Very frusterating.
The main problem is his tantrums. At school, we get bad reports daily. He refuses to write, tears up his tests/homework, throws his spelling/reading books, pencil boxes, etc. talks back, says no very aggressively, etc. He runs from class when he gets mad. Everyone is trying behvaior charts, incentives, explaining to him why this is not acceptable. He tells us every morning, he will be good but its like it goes in one ear and out the other.
We have tried everything to get through to him - love, understanding, grounding, putting him in the corner, taking things away, etc. Literally, all he has in his room is a bed, clothes and books. All toys have been put in storage and he has no acess to anything.
In an effort to help him with reading, phonics, etc we broke down and bought the leapster didj console. Its a game console but we can monitor his learning via our home computer and we can custom the learning to what he is doing in school. Figured it was worth a shot.
The problem that comes in - we have tried every form of punishment and correcting behavior but nothing works, We try to include him in cleaning and other things we do around the house, but its difficult b/c he makes a bigger mess than we originally had. How do we get through to him? How do we correct this behavior and get him to want to do his best?
We are so frusterated and at a loss.
Both boys (10 and 6) are on the same dose of Concerta in the morning, 54mg. My 10 year also takes an afternoon does of Ritalin of 5 or 10mg at lunch time. I dont want to over-medicate my children.
Can anyone help us or give us any suggestions?
Thanks so much!
The major problem is with our 6yr old. He has had tubes in his ears 2ce, adnotes and tonsils removed and occassionally still gets fluid in his ears. His speech is delayed and he is in speech therapy, twice a week at school. He is having troubles learning to read, more less staying focused on trying to read. He will guess off the wall words instead of sounding it out and forgets the word in 2 secs after us telling him what it is. Very frusterating.
The main problem is his tantrums. At school, we get bad reports daily. He refuses to write, tears up his tests/homework, throws his spelling/reading books, pencil boxes, etc. talks back, says no very aggressively, etc. He runs from class when he gets mad. Everyone is trying behvaior charts, incentives, explaining to him why this is not acceptable. He tells us every morning, he will be good but its like it goes in one ear and out the other.
We have tried everything to get through to him - love, understanding, grounding, putting him in the corner, taking things away, etc. Literally, all he has in his room is a bed, clothes and books. All toys have been put in storage and he has no acess to anything.
In an effort to help him with reading, phonics, etc we broke down and bought the leapster didj console. Its a game console but we can monitor his learning via our home computer and we can custom the learning to what he is doing in school. Figured it was worth a shot.
The problem that comes in - we have tried every form of punishment and correcting behavior but nothing works, We try to include him in cleaning and other things we do around the house, but its difficult b/c he makes a bigger mess than we originally had. How do we get through to him? How do we correct this behavior and get him to want to do his best?
We are so frusterated and at a loss.
Both boys (10 and 6) are on the same dose of Concerta in the morning, 54mg. My 10 year also takes an afternoon does of Ritalin of 5 or 10mg at lunch time. I dont want to over-medicate my children.
Can anyone help us or give us any suggestions?
Thanks so much!
Yeah, I dont know why things are so different these days. May be because teachers are scared of the child protection laws or something. But it just seems that in general, schools tend to just push problems kids away until they are out of their classroom/school and they are no longer their problem. Its hard, just stay strong. What I have found out with my stepson is I think he gets a kick out of frustrating my wife and I.
He may not laugh or smirk, but he gets a kick out of it. So I try not to react. When he does it, I tell him he is wrong and just stare at him until he tries again. Just make sure you are the "immovable force" when he is being stubborn. Dont show any reaction to it, and make him do what he needs to. Hang in there :) And make sure you and your spouse take some time every now and then for just the 2 of you. It helps relieve some of the stress at times. Hell, even have a laugh about the stuff after the kids go to bed. Somedays, in order to get through all of my stepson's issues, I just have to make a joke out of it when he isnt around and just have a good laugh. But thats just me and my wierd humor.
He may not laugh or smirk, but he gets a kick out of it. So I try not to react. When he does it, I tell him he is wrong and just stare at him until he tries again. Just make sure you are the "immovable force" when he is being stubborn. Dont show any reaction to it, and make him do what he needs to. Hang in there :) And make sure you and your spouse take some time every now and then for just the 2 of you. It helps relieve some of the stress at times. Hell, even have a laugh about the stuff after the kids go to bed. Somedays, in order to get through all of my stepson's issues, I just have to make a joke out of it when he isnt around and just have a good laugh. But thats just me and my wierd humor.
Now they are just trying to send him home with us, when we tell them we both work full time and cannot continue to take off work just to come pick him up. The school constantly just lets him act up and not do his work and sends him somewhere else. Shoot, last week we found out that the week before, he completed like 20% of the work in class for the whole week, but we didnt know so now he tries to do the same with us at home. Acts like he cant read, says words that arent even on the paper, acts like he cant count when he has known how to count to 100 since he was 4. <------ this is our 6 year old to a T!!!
He says words not on the paper and then thinks its funny, as we are getting pissed off. My husband and I explain to him we know his games and we talk to his teacher about his progress. He gets this look like O, Sh*t but then doesnt care. Just annoyed.
We have tried the leniant role, tried the strict and tried everything in between. Doesnt matter.
Principal wont call us anymore, finally b/c we have told her over and over again this is what he wants - to try and go home. Its a game, we work and cannot keep taking off. Finally, we got mad and spilled it all out with our thoughts, last year.
So frusterating.
He says words not on the paper and then thinks its funny, as we are getting pissed off. My husband and I explain to him we know his games and we talk to his teacher about his progress. He gets this look like O, Sh*t but then doesnt care. Just annoyed.
We have tried the leniant role, tried the strict and tried everything in between. Doesnt matter.
Principal wont call us anymore, finally b/c we have told her over and over again this is what he wants - to try and go home. Its a game, we work and cannot keep taking off. Finally, we got mad and spilled it all out with our thoughts, last year.
So frusterating.
Yeah with that information, it does seem like the child has ADHD definitely. But on the issue of school, trust me it is frustrating as all hell. My stepson does the same thing, acts up until he is excused from his activity then sent to another classroom. He doesnt see that being sent somewhere else is bad.
Now they are just trying to send him home with us, when we tell them we both work full time and cannot continue to take off work just to come pick him up. The school constantly just lets him act up and not do his work and sends him somewhere else. Shoot, last week we found out that the week before, he completed like 20% of the work in class for the whole week, but we didnt know so now he tries to do the same with us at home. Acts like he cant read, says words that arent even on the paper, acts like he cant count when he has known how to count to 100 since he was 4.
Since your child has ADHD, I would venture to say take him to a therapist of your choice. But also it seems that some of the things he is doing is out of defiance. He is at school for the majority of his day. So his behavior with school related tasks (homework etc) will translate to home because he knows he can do things to get out of it at school.
Stay on him, even if he has ADHD. Its hard to do it, because I know I dont want to be the "hard-*** dad". But kids are smarter than we think, they can smell out weakness and exploit it. Make sure you and your wife are always on the same page also. Because my stepson knows his mom will let him cry a bit more than me, so when she is around he messes up on his homework because he knows mom will bail him out.
Best thing I can say is get an outside Therapists opinion, and continue to care about your childs development. My dad and my grandfather were both hard-*****. I hated it when I was young. Me and my brother constantly hated not having the "freedom" other kids did. But now that I am 25, married with a stepson and one child on the way, I can see why my father was so strict. And I call him and tell him thank you for being so hard on me. It made me live up to higher standards than what was considered normal. And it taught me more self discipline than I would have gotten at school.
Now they are just trying to send him home with us, when we tell them we both work full time and cannot continue to take off work just to come pick him up. The school constantly just lets him act up and not do his work and sends him somewhere else. Shoot, last week we found out that the week before, he completed like 20% of the work in class for the whole week, but we didnt know so now he tries to do the same with us at home. Acts like he cant read, says words that arent even on the paper, acts like he cant count when he has known how to count to 100 since he was 4.
Since your child has ADHD, I would venture to say take him to a therapist of your choice. But also it seems that some of the things he is doing is out of defiance. He is at school for the majority of his day. So his behavior with school related tasks (homework etc) will translate to home because he knows he can do things to get out of it at school.
Stay on him, even if he has ADHD. Its hard to do it, because I know I dont want to be the "hard-*** dad". But kids are smarter than we think, they can smell out weakness and exploit it. Make sure you and your wife are always on the same page also. Because my stepson knows his mom will let him cry a bit more than me, so when she is around he messes up on his homework because he knows mom will bail him out.
Best thing I can say is get an outside Therapists opinion, and continue to care about your childs development. My dad and my grandfather were both hard-*****. I hated it when I was young. Me and my brother constantly hated not having the "freedom" other kids did. But now that I am 25, married with a stepson and one child on the way, I can see why my father was so strict. And I call him and tell him thank you for being so hard on me. It made me live up to higher standards than what was considered normal. And it taught me more self discipline than I would have gotten at school.
Thank you for the information. I am not going to lax my home b/c the school is. When he acts out, they send him to the office to hang out and help. He knows if he acts out, he can get out of schoolwork and I disagree with that/this. I am calling a meeting with the principal b/c I am fed up with the school and how they push him off to someone else. I understand they have other students and cannot focus on him one on one but if he acts out a little, he is off to another class, the office, etc.
He had a field trip today and b/c he really didnt want to go -he acted out. Guess what, they sent him to help set up for the science fair. How is this setting standards? I am frusterated with this. He has learned a new game. I dont want to do something, I can act out and go somewhere else.
He was tested for ADHD by school and doctors. He cannot sit still with me or being at home. If will only sit still if he is playing video games - then he still gets up and moves about. He wakes up at 630am and sounds like a fire alarm going off. He is all over the place. Honestly, I dont see the medication helping him focus but I am not at school. I know on the weekends, after the medicine sits in - he is a little calmer but still a bouncy ball. If you are not use to it - you will want to run and hide. I am use to it and it still makes me nutty! I feel as if I am losing my mind anymore.
I have a 10yr old that was like this and it took time for him to grow out. He still has his days and they can be horrid... However, we had to wait it out - hell and back for him to decide when he was ready to behave. We had him in therapy, etc and nothing worked. My 10yr old is in therapy again but a different reason, now.
I just wish there were answers but it is defiantly trial and error.. For my 6 yr old, we havent found that niche that works ... yet!
Thanks again for the info!~
He had a field trip today and b/c he really didnt want to go -he acted out. Guess what, they sent him to help set up for the science fair. How is this setting standards? I am frusterated with this. He has learned a new game. I dont want to do something, I can act out and go somewhere else.
He was tested for ADHD by school and doctors. He cannot sit still with me or being at home. If will only sit still if he is playing video games - then he still gets up and moves about. He wakes up at 630am and sounds like a fire alarm going off. He is all over the place. Honestly, I dont see the medication helping him focus but I am not at school. I know on the weekends, after the medicine sits in - he is a little calmer but still a bouncy ball. If you are not use to it - you will want to run and hide. I am use to it and it still makes me nutty! I feel as if I am losing my mind anymore.
I have a 10yr old that was like this and it took time for him to grow out. He still has his days and they can be horrid... However, we had to wait it out - hell and back for him to decide when he was ready to behave. We had him in therapy, etc and nothing worked. My 10yr old is in therapy again but a different reason, now.
I just wish there were answers but it is defiantly trial and error.. For my 6 yr old, we havent found that niche that works ... yet!
Thanks again for the info!~
I am dealing with the same EXACT issues with my step son and he is 6 years old. As far as the ADD, I would say be very very careful with that. They are diagnosing kids left and right for those meds. My stepson does the same stuff at school, but he can tell us how to be good before he leaves for school. He acts up a little at home but its rare. Point is, if you can sit in your childs class, or sit at home with your child and they can act calm, they most likely do not have ADD or ADHD, its just behavior issues.
We took my son to a Therapist (still are) for about 6 months. They told me that if he can do good in school if I sat in the back of the classroom and said nothing, and if he could be calm with just me (not his mom) at home for the day, he does not have ADD. If they have ADD or ADHD then they would not be able to control themselves regardless of the situation. Did the school test the child for ADD? That is usually where it starts. They tried to start us on the testing for his ADD but our Therapist voted against it. And when the schools do that, they usually use their own Therapist and you are not allowed to bring in a Therapist of your choice. I wonder why that is?
What we have found out, is that my stepson doesn't act up with me because I do not allow it, point blank, he knows he cannot get over on me. He acts up a bit around his mom because he can, she allows him to act out a bit more or she reacts to his outbursts. He acts like a devil at school because he KNOWS he can get away with it without any serious consequences. The consequences need to be given at school, it doesn't help for the parent to play "catch up" at home and discipline the child for what they did 5 hours ago. This is all from our Therapist and not my opinion.
The main problem you are most likely having is that you have a strict household at home (i think that is good these days) and the environment and authority at school is laxed for your child. So they act up regardless because they are testing limits and they know they can get over on their teacher.
We have taken toys away and TV and everything, does it change our child's behavior at school? No, because the consequence is way after he did the crime. We have done rewards and everything, but the child does not think that far ahead usually at the age of 6. Some children are just this way. I think you are just dealing with a strong-willed child, and our Therapist told us that we are just going to have to keep butting heads with him and he will hopefully grow out of it.
One thing she said is "do not relax your standards at home based on the schools standards for your child". Do not let your home standards and expectations change just because the school does not hold your child to the same standards. You are the parent and you dictate the rules and regulations for your child. You know your child better than anyone. For our son, he needs direction, he needs to be told what to do and when to do it and that there is no option not to do it. When he is given a choice, or feels he can assert himself and get his way, he will do it to those who will let him.
We took my son to a Therapist (still are) for about 6 months. They told me that if he can do good in school if I sat in the back of the classroom and said nothing, and if he could be calm with just me (not his mom) at home for the day, he does not have ADD. If they have ADD or ADHD then they would not be able to control themselves regardless of the situation. Did the school test the child for ADD? That is usually where it starts. They tried to start us on the testing for his ADD but our Therapist voted against it. And when the schools do that, they usually use their own Therapist and you are not allowed to bring in a Therapist of your choice. I wonder why that is?
What we have found out, is that my stepson doesn't act up with me because I do not allow it, point blank, he knows he cannot get over on me. He acts up a bit around his mom because he can, she allows him to act out a bit more or she reacts to his outbursts. He acts like a devil at school because he KNOWS he can get away with it without any serious consequences. The consequences need to be given at school, it doesn't help for the parent to play "catch up" at home and discipline the child for what they did 5 hours ago. This is all from our Therapist and not my opinion.
The main problem you are most likely having is that you have a strict household at home (i think that is good these days) and the environment and authority at school is laxed for your child. So they act up regardless because they are testing limits and they know they can get over on their teacher.
We have taken toys away and TV and everything, does it change our child's behavior at school? No, because the consequence is way after he did the crime. We have done rewards and everything, but the child does not think that far ahead usually at the age of 6. Some children are just this way. I think you are just dealing with a strong-willed child, and our Therapist told us that we are just going to have to keep butting heads with him and he will hopefully grow out of it.
One thing she said is "do not relax your standards at home based on the schools standards for your child". Do not let your home standards and expectations change just because the school does not hold your child to the same standards. You are the parent and you dictate the rules and regulations for your child. You know your child better than anyone. For our son, he needs direction, he needs to be told what to do and when to do it and that there is no option not to do it. When he is given a choice, or feels he can assert himself and get his way, he will do it to those who will let him.
Yes I can,.. I was one, I was a Military Brat and went through the same things,however my input here is from a childs/parents Perspective .You can still lighten up and have the bounderies regarding his school work and Home work, you have to moderate it with outside activities and sports and Games ,my recollection from my childhood was that in my Family we had a lot of exercise and sports and we were physically put through the proverbial wringer;I did have a roller coaster of emotions but I had a mother with the sense to leave it be and let me sort it out for myself, Hey we all do what we can, I had an up and down life as a service Brat but I travelled a lot and got to see and do a lot of stuff I am glad I did.do,Go on ,try it again lighten up, and wait and see
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