Parenting without discipline

[popsicles]

My wife rarely disciplines her only-child, 11-year-old son (my stepson now for 5 months) because he has been evaluated (by one physician) to have Asperger's and Tourette's (very mild Tourette's).  Since she views him as having special needs, she doesn't want to be too hard on him (He is a Mama's Boy).  He is extremely undisciplined, eats with very little etiquette (though he is capable of doing so), and is allowed to eat only what he wants to eat.  I am in conflict with my new wife because I firmly believe that what my stepson NEEDS is structure, consistency, and disciplining so that he can LEARN new ways of behaving.  My wife thinks I'm too rigid and I think she won't discipline her son because it bothers her to see her son suffer.

Is there anything I can do to help my wife understand that she is enabling her son to grow up without the life skills he is going to need as an adult?

[tomservo78]

Sorry, Just noticed that. I'm new and I seriously just googled my situation to see if anyone else was dealing with the same thing

[margypops]

This thread is over 3 years old what is your point in scrolling down to bring it out .

[tomservo78]

Hey popsickles, I just have to say I totally understand your frustrations. I'm in the same boat except in the opposite pair of shoes. My son 10, who lives with his mother, was recently diagnosed with Aspergers. In the beginning, I was really lax with him after the divorce mostly because of feeling guilty and I played the part of "carnival dad" pretty well. Now that I am remarried and we are looking to have kids of our own soon, we have been trying to reestablish the discipline and sometimes I feel like giving up and giving in because his mother has really become very lax herself. It's to the point where he doesn't even want to come over anymore because he can come to my place and have structure which is expecially important for kids with AS, or stay at home and eat all the sugar and play all the video games he wants. and spiral deeper into a codependent state where he  begins suffering in school.

When he doesn't want to come over, I tend to be very resentfull to my wife for not just letting me "give up" and let him do whatever he wants. it's really really hard for both of us. If he lived with us it may be easier but I still give you credit for doing your best pop. It is truly a balanceing act between structure and compassion. We are beginning to see a therapist to give us some tools to work with and I'll let you know what we learn. and for Rock Rose, You may want to save your comments for Jerry Springer. HIGHLY INAPPROPRIATE!

[nyychic]

While I will say that in most cases I disagree with making a child eat foods he doesn't like I also know that I have to force my 9 year old to eat some veggies and fruit or he won't eat any he'll gag and carry on like a fool knowing that it isn't really making him sick but as his mother I know how to tell what he doesn't like and what he doesn't want to eat.  There is a difference.  I will say that I don't feel that any disorder is a reason not to dicipline if that is the case.  I don't have enough info to be harsh or not be harsh but doctors don't like to throw around diagnosis so I would probly take that serious and spend some time looking into the disorders and how to work with a child with these issues and talk to your wife about it.  Baby steps if she really isn't doing any dicipline.  I am very strict about table manners I get it I hate nasty table manners.  YUCK.

[margypops]

Well I know this is late to post but I wholeheartedly agree with RockRose,

[Bothecorgi]

I think what we are really talking about is a mother who is upset that her child has something wrong with him.  I am a Special Education teacher for the last 18 years and have had many students who have treated their special needs children very much like you describe with your wife. If this child was recently diagnosed then she is still dealing with the reality of what it means to his future - maybe even a little guilt or mourning the loss of a child that may never be what she hoped for-  etc. Children with special needs -- like all children crave STRUCTURE  love, attention, and compassion.  What they do not need is parenting that is an afterthought. Your wife needs to speak to a behavior therapist to help guide her along with you on the best way to parent this child regardless of the diagnosis. This child probably has an IEP (Individual Education Plan as part of any school system in this country under the Federal Disability Act) they should be able to help her with this- or guide her to where help can be found.
You sound like a concerned parent who is trying to help the situation- other posters need to give you a break. Most parents- step or not in my experience often walk away as taking on this responsibility is an awesome one. Good Luck,

[RockRose]

popsickles,  despite what it may look like,  I don't come here to pick fights.  I really come to these boards usually to try to catch medical symptoms that might be overlooked.  That's kind of my schtick.   During that,  I run across other stuff - and specifically,  parents who are overly critical of children who aren't their own make my head fly off.  I just get an automatic gut reaction - in defense of the child.  Because I've spent way too much time dealing with boyfriends/girlfriends/stepmothers/stepdads who do such damage.  Not that all steps are damaging,  but the ones who make fun of the kids are.

That said,  your second post is a completely different flavor than your first,  and it seems like you are more compassionate.  All I can go by is what you say, and I'm kind of baffled as to why you presented your first post,  and virtually had to take it all back and repaint it correctly in your second post.  Why is that?  We're only the words that you can read on these posts,  why present your case the way you did - which made it sound like you are a mean jerk who hates that kid and doesn't think he has any of this diagnosed disabilities?

Best wishes.  I'm sorry I jumped on you,  but maybe next time you go on an anomymous board,  you may want to present your case more fairly.

[jdtm]

I definitely doubt his diagnosis of Asperger's - your sentence.  Perhaps this child is on the autistic spectrum but more high-functioning as PDD-NOS.  I'm wondering if this might be the correct diagnosis (re-check with your stepson's physician).

I used the term Mama's Boy merely to attempt to convey the situation. I would never call him that and I've never uttered it verbally - your sentences.  If you have written it, then you thought it, and even if you have not said it, I suspect this child has "sensed" your feelings toward him.

I have never been a "powerful" man.  I have never even considered "bossing" my wife around and making her feel guilty about trying to help him - your words.  Hmmm  methinks thou protests too much.

My wife rarely disciplines her only-child - your words.  Her child; her business.  Sorry, but being married only five months does not give one "parenting" rights let alone "disciplining" rights..

Is there anything I can do to help my wife understand that she is enabling her son to grow up without the life skills he is going to need as an adult? - your sentences.  Perhaps spending more time listening than talking might give one a greater understanding of this child's issues -  it is just not your job to raise this child.  If she screws it up, so be  it.  And if you keep interfering, it could cost you your marriage.

[popsicles]

Thank you for the time you invested in responding to me.  I really do want to my stepson to be nurtured and loved the way he needs to be; that is my motivation for posting my question.

".....one of his worse blows is having his mother marry you."  Wow.  I find it interesting and sad that you write so harshly about me, particularly since you have limited information about our situation.  Why would you choose to be so harsh with me when you seem to accuse me of doing the same with my stepson?  I didn't do the best job at conveying the complete picture in my post.  When I used the terms Asperger's and Tourette's for my stepson, I might have communicated to you an image of a boy with obvious symptoms.  That is not the case with him.  He is definitely in nearly every way a "normal" boy.  Allow me to respond to some of what you responded with.

I definitely doubt his diagnosis of Asperger's.  Recently we had a brainmapping done.  This brainmapping technology revealed that my stepson does not have autism or Asperger's.  This doctor explained that Asperger's would show up with a very different kind of brain activity.  Though my stepson has some behaviors that Asperger's patients display, he explained that my stepson does not have Asperger's.  My wife did accept this during this discussion, but I've observed that she has been understandably been torn to truly accept his diagnosis since that discussion with the doctor.

I used the term Mama's Boy merely to attempt to convey the situation. I would never call him that and I've never uttered it verbally.  I am a strong proponent of giving children lots of love and affection.  I have four children from a previous marriage and they were given lots of love and affection from me along with the discipline necessary to become the character-filled young adults they are today.  I am in full agreement with you that my stepson needs lots of love and affection.  He receives that.

Just because a "professional" diagnoses a patient with a particular disorder does not make that diagnosis correct.  My stepson was given the label Asperger's several years ago.  I've spent a year around him, done lots of research on Asperger's and Tourette's, and had many discussions with dozens of people about all of this.  His "disability" disappears when I parent him.  Though it takes plenty of work and energy, I get him to eat correctly and behave with others in mind.  Since he is allowed to eat the way he does and basically only eat cheese and processed sugar because that's all he likes, His "Asperger's symptoms" are very mild.  I have spent lots of time around children.  In my view and experience, what I'm experiencing with him is mostly a lack of training, consistency, and boundaries.  What if I'm correct about this and we spend the rest of his pre-adolescent and adolescent years simply giving him lots of love and affection when what he needs IN ADDITION to that is structure, training, boundaries, and self-control?  I am convinced that he can learn social etiquette because he has done so with me during the times when I've had responsibility for him.

Do you think it's OK that he is not forced to eat any vegetables?  Your perspective is interesting.  I don't believe that you truly think that children are just smaller adults.  I CHOOSE to eat things that I don't particularly enjoy because those foods are good for me.  My stepson is not ABLE to make that kind of decision because he is an eleven-year-old CHILD, not because he has been given the label "Special Needs."  My parents forced me to eat healthy foods because they cared for and loved me.

I married my wife with my eyes wide open.  I knew that the parenting issue would be extremely difficult.  I don't regret it in the least.  Life is difficult and I expect it to be so.  I simply want what's good, right, and healthy for our whole family, particularly for my stepson who currently needs the lion's share of our time and energy.

You wrote, "The last thing he needs in life is to have a powerful man living in his house bossing his mother around and making her feel guilty about trying to help him.

And you'd get way more better sex from her if you'd just lay off him."

Wow.  Your jumping to conclusions just isn't helpful.  I have never been a "powerful" man.  I have never even considered "bossing" my wife around and making her feel guilty about trying to help him.  My wife and I have had several discussions about all of this, and there have been touchy points during them, yet I see these times as part of our journey together as a family.  And there is lots of "way more better sex" going on.  If I'm at fault for my lack of information passed along, I am sorry.

Lastly, you wrote, ".....are there behaviors that matter that he is doing that need to be corrected?"  Honestly, the other behaviors that need correcting and disciplining are the typical parenting ones.  Only one behavior creates a real problem; he interrupts other conversations.  My wife corrects him often for this, but though I've encouraged her to do, she won't take him aside when he does this and have an explanatory conversation with him.  Since he doesn't understand how disruptive this behavior is because he is merely told not to do it, he persists day in and day out because there is no discipline attached to the correction.

I welcome your thoughts again, even if they are harsh and raw.  I can take it because I am willing to go to great lengths to make any adjustments that I need to in order to see my stepson grow up to be a healthy, caring adult.

Thanks again for your time and energy.

[RockRose]

I think I need to take another stab at this post and try to not be hostile.  It's an effort.  : (

The thing is,  popsicles,  it sounds like you doubt his diagnosis.  You state "only one" physician has diagnosed him,  and he has "very mild" Tourettes.  You seem to not believe there is anything wrong with him except lax discipline.  And then you call him names,  like "Mama's boy".

You state later that he won't grow up with the skills he needs to succeed without discipline.  You know what?  He won't grow up  with the skills he needs to succeed without a LOT of loving support.  Children with Aspergers don't recover - they try to make it in life as best they can.   And if they're also barking out gutteral noises or words,  or dealing with unusual looking twitches,   GOD,  all the worse.

This boy needs an affection,  loving,  devoted set of parents.  You aren't it.  You are trying to force him out of displaying his disability.  What he needs is a dad who loves him,  hugs him,  cheers him on,  and smiles at him and carries him in his heart.  You aren't it.  You don't like him,  and you wish he'd quit acting like he's acting because you're irritated by him.

This child was dealt several blows in life,  but one of his worse blows is having his mother marry you.  

The last thing he needs in life is to have a powerful man living in his house bossing his mother around and making her feel guilty about trying to help him.

And you'd get way more better sex from her if you'd just lay off him.

Sorry,  I tried to make this nicer but instead I made it more clear and more truthful.

[AlfTheAli3n]

I agree with Rockrose,
Maybe you just need to research these conditions and see that they have nothing to do with manners.  Of course he can pick things up from time to time, and maybe his Mother needs to be a little more strict, but these things you mention are part and parcel of being 11 years old and ****suffering**** from said conditions.
I suggest you do Internet searches, borrow library books, and look-out for videos on the matter.  If you are in this for the long run and want to fulfill your duties, then you need to learn more about the conditions and learn some tolerance and patience.

[RockRose]

popsicles,  am I understanding that your wife makes YOU eat stuff you are unwilling to eat?  No?  Then why make a child do it?

Why did you marry her - did you not know her son before you got married?  Aspergers AND Tourettes is a plateful for any child to struggle with - give him a break on his eating manners.  And completely forget forcing him to eat food he disdains.

Besides poor table manners,  and not eating what you want him to eat,  are there behaviors that matter that he is doing that need to be corrected?

*feels blood pressure rising*