Help!!! Am I over-reacting????

[bellystars]

So am I over-reacting or not?  My DH and I have a pretty good relationship but there were issues a few years ago before we got married.  He was never unfaithful but he did up and leave one day (for 6wks) and I was totally caught off guard and crushed...not to mention my kids (previous marriage).  Since then we have worked things out and are now married and expecting a child of our own.  I wouldn't say I don't trust him...even though he thinks that but i would say I am more aware now.  I have also had bad experiences from past relationships!  So last night I went to use his phone and for some reason I had a strong urge to check his voicemail  Well, sure enough there was a msg from a woman saying "just calling to see if you have time to talk?".  I thought it was odd and when I looked up the name on caller id it was just under a last name which he does for his guy friends.  Then I noticed there were a few missed calls from her as well and he had called her.  Of course I was curious, devastated, paranoid....whatever you want to call it!....and so when I went back upstairs for a bath i asked him who she was?  He seemed a little shocked and just said an old college friend.  When i asked if they dated he said yes then it dawned on me who it was.  An ex that he was madly in love with but her parents didn't think he was good enough for her and forced the break up.  He started to get defensive and just said he was going thru old email and ran across one of hers and called her.  Needless to say I slept on the couch and I'm just so upset!  I feel like that is that last thing he should be doing when I'm pregnant and I feel like he hid it.  He said he was just going to tell her about me and being pregnant but I don't understand why he didn't take her call while we were walking out the door last night if that were the case?  Am I over-reacting or do you feel like you would be upset too?  Help!  Today I have been a mess!

[melimeli]

ds mommy are you reading??

[tahariel]

Thank you for your post. The real question is have you sat down and told your wife all of this because she is the one who really needs to hear it. And, yes, no matter which angle you look at this, you did mess up be having an ex girl friend's cell phone number programmed into your cell phone but not tell your wife that you had been speaking with her again. I'd say it's time for a heartfelt apology and discussion, along with all the extras your wife deserves . . . roses, foot rubs, a cozy romantic evening out to dinner, taking on more chores around the house . . . and never giving her another reason not to trust you.

[Tennesseegirl]

wow... missed alot today!
First of all... easy to check cell phone calls online!!
go and check out to see if there were any other conversations. and if so? there is your answer. and if not. GREAT tell him you over reacted just alittle. and your sorry.smile
when he came up front and tell you, us! he is being honest.  there souldnt be any other conversations. right? internet is a wonderful thing, you can see time, date, how long they talked... etc. you can also go to a cheaters site and they will give you a list to look for signs, etc... check back two months... its easy...
My best friend just went thru that two years ago!!! very nasty situation...  She is still going thru it because things in life happen and reminds her of it often.  yes.. she is still with him. none of us can give you advice on such a hardship. only you can make that discision.
I fill for anyone who was cheated on... theres just no excuse!!
I can tell you what I would do but thats just me. I know they say once a cheater always a cheater. not to mention its a SIN!! but I just can not understand why someone would do such a thing!  
DSMommy, you need to find out the facts first...
DSdaddy, she has reason now... dont get mad at her for looking, looking, and keep looking.

good luck to the both of you.... I wish you best!!!
NO AFENCE to anyone...

[pcarsey]

I believe that you love your wife and after hearing your side, I still stick to what I said in my posts. I'm not so sure the other posters agreed with me but like I said in them.. Just my opinion! I think it is important to TALK about things going on. The relationship, the pregnancy, your work, your life with the family, your past relationships, Everything! I have also been cheated on and that's why I was also single for 10 years before marrying again. There was lots of things I had to think about, sort out, work out and deal with myself before I was to even think about having another relationship with another man. And to add.. I also had two children to consider in everything I did. During the time I was single I wouldn't even suggest the guy meeting my children until I knew the relationship was going to last more then 2 months. I don't want this to be about me but I wanted to give you some idea as to how I prepared myself for future relationships after I had been cheated on, divorced and a single mom for so many years. Just talk to your wife and let her know that you love her, your step children and your soon to be lil ones!! I personally don't think your wife has to hear everything you talk to your ex about or be present, as long as you are completely upfront of your intentions and expectations about the conversation with the ex. It is possible to remain friends with your exes as long as you are honest with your current spouses!

Just my opinion!
Patty

[melimeli]

wow pretty compelling... I'd believe ya... I just hope you will always be honest with her and not hide anything... because hiding creates mistrust... what our cheating exes did was make us second guess our right feelings... We thought they were cheating and they made us second guess ourselves when they really were... so really they made us mistrust ourselves and our instincts... it is hard...  Really hard to trust completely again.  and maybe we never do we just bite our tongues because we know it is not fair to act this way towards someone who has done nothing.  But we may never really truly completely trust again.  It sucks just as bad for us as it does for you... but as we accept your balding heads as part of you... so you must accept our hurt heart.  We try to overcome it and it is always a huge sacrifice for us... everytime we don't say something it is huge.. we are keeping it in because we know we should trust you and we have to force ourselves to follow that because it no longer comes natural.  We try our best... it doesn't always work.  Just be honest and don't keep in contact with people you have been intimate with unless you and your wife are both present.. that is my opinion and i'm sticken to it haha....  DSDAD thanks for being brave

[1nana]

I'm confused? So, dsmommy and bellystars are one in the same?

[DHDSDad]

So, for those of you that don't know me, I am the DH of DSMommy.  I appreciate everyone's comments about our situation, regardless of the idea that I feel like her perception of the situation was not 100% the way I saw it.  The point is I made a mistake and I am not afraid to admit that.  I work at a tech company that puts limits on our email boxes (and while the limit is VERY large I somehow managed to hit it the other day).  So, I was going back through old emails and deleting stuff to create space.  I have been here for 6 1/2 years, so you can imagine I had a lot of emails.  My first mistake in this whole ordeal was actually reading through the emails.  I should have just hit delete and moved on.  Kinda like cleaning the closet...if you toss your significant other's stuff that they don't wear (or shouldn't wear in some cases) while he/she isn't home, then chances are they won't miss it.  Anyhow, I did come across an email from my ex from a year ago when she moved to Chicago for additional schooling.  I have always been open with my wife about her and that yes there was a time 10 years ago when I was in college that I loved this girl.  Her family was very well off and I wasn't an acceptable match for their daughter and they let me know it.  Because of pressure from them, she broke it off from me and that was that.  She lived in Dallas and after a few years I was there visiting some friends and she met us all out for dinner.  They happened to be mutual friends so it wasn't anything other than a group of us meeting up.  Because of the way the relationship ended, I harbored anger for awhile but at some point realized that it was very obvious she wasn't the person I ever wanted to spend my life with.  So needless to say, we did become friends again from then on, but rarely talk (maybe once or twice a year if that).  Now back to the reason I am telling you all this.  I guess for whatever reason I have always felt this desire to show her that I didn't need her and that I would make something of myself.  Call it male ego, call it anger, call it what you want, but when we did talk I always made a point to let her know what was going on in my life just to show her how superficial her family was.  Anyhow skip forward to this week's incident.  I ran across that email and sent her a line.  DSMommy and I got married last year and of course she is now pregnant with our twins.  I would try to write my excitement about expecting the babies, but I am not 100% sure I have all the words.  All I know is that I couldn't be happier and it could not have happened with a better woman.  I was simply going to say hello to her and let her know what was going on.  There are ZERO romantic feelings for my ex and haven't been any since the break up 10 years ago...  My wife also failed to mention that we live 10 miles out in the country and I explained this to her last night, but the ex called literally at the time we were leaving to head to town to take our son to his basketball game.  None of our cell phones work until we get to town, so it wasn't like i was avoiding the call.  I had actually talked to the ex earlier that day, but she was busy at the moment and said she would call back at that time.  I had forgotten about D's basketball game, otherwise I would have had her call later.  Anyhow, when DS did ask me about it later that night, I was not trying to be defensive at all, I was simply trying to answer her questions honestly, but she only took them as excuses.  It did not matter what I said it was all excuses to her and therefore percieved as defensive...I of course do realize that her perception is important though and that while I had no intentions whatsoever I should respect how she feels.  I hate that I put her in this emotional place, and realize that I made a mistake and am admitting to it.  I have already sent the ex an email and told her that unfortunately it was in our best interest that we no longer speak and wished her well.  Her number was also deleted from my phone.  Also, as far as the couch thing goes, I agree 100% with you all about me sleeping on the couch instead of her, but I challenge anyone one of you to try to convince her otherwise (especially with her pregnant emotions) that what she wants to do at that very moment is not what she is going to do.  Because heaven knows that I have tried to talk her out of it, and she was having none of it.  Anyhow, I now pose a question to you all because this has been the hardest part of me understanding our relationship.  My wife was cheated on, more than once.  She has all the reason to be hurt from her past and it will always affect her.  I have never cheated on her and never will, but I have a hard time feeling like there are trust issues there.  I feel like I shouldn't be judged by the mistakes of others.  Heck, we still have to live with dealing with her ex's because of our children, even though they are all POOR excuses for a parent.  What I do understand is that I need to be cognicent of her past and respect it.  Especially for those of you that have been cheated on by a previous, what can I do to erase the mistake that those guys made and prove that I am not those guys.  I shouldn't be compared to them...  

So in closing, I am here to tell you all that I love my wife, our children, and our soon to be little ones more that life itself and had zero intention of causing this heartache to her.  I made the mistake in not saying something a couple of days ago, as that can be just as bad as having intentions and hiding it intentionally.  For that, I am truly sorry.  I again thank you all for being an outlet for my wife and I know that she gets a lot of security and knowledge from others that have and are experiencing the same things in your pregnancies.  

DSDad

[tahariel]

You are not over-reacting. Your husband hid something from you and also became defensive when you brought it to attention. I hope he comes to his senses today and does some major kissing up to you and apologizing. By the way, you should not be the one on the couch, but I hope he feels extra bad that his pregnant wife slept on the couch because of his poor choices. Sometimes guys just need to be told that something isn't acceptable because, for whatever reason, sometimes they can't figure that out for themselves. Best wishes that everything works out fine!!!

[pcarsey]

I would like to add, I too was cheated on hense the kids with a previous husband. But had I been more secure in myself it wouldn't have gone a far as it did. I should have paid more attention to things..like.. He wasn't excited about me being pregnant and he wouldn't hardly talk to me and when my water broke at home and he was at a softball game and wasn't in no hurry to get home. Then when he took me to the hospital he turned right around and went home to take a shower because he didn't have time. Yeah I know what it's like to have a cheating husband, but.. you have to feel secure in your relationship and be very communicative or things just aren't going to work when they go wrong. In my last relationship I was the one that ended up telling him to leave because I knew about his affair and I nor my kids needed that. It took guts but I had to do it or I would have lived in total hell for the rest of my life not knowing and always wondering when he was going to cheat again or just up and leave me.

So.. Yes I know where you are coming from, No I don't think you are over reacting but I would have to say that I would TALK to him. Don't leave it up to him to do the talking because you haven't done anything wrong, because trust me it gets you no where but more hurt. When I met my current husband we talked about all this upfront and he knew where I stood on the whole thing. I am more secure now because I understand that there is responsibility that I have too. Like... when I feel something isn't right or I *suspect* something is going on I ask questions. If I end up looking like a complete idiot then so be it, but at least I found the courage inside myself to take charge when I wasn't feeling up to par in our relationship.

I have many guy friends and if my husband ever thought something was up then I'm sure he would talk to me about it. But let me tell you, I still talk to two of my ex boyfriends and there is no way someone is going to tell me I can't talk to them anymore just because I'm married to someone else or pregnant with someone else's baby! I have enough trust in myself that if ever any one tried to tempted me I would never do anything to hurt my husband.

Just my opinion!  

[bellystars]

I'm pretty understanding for the most part and he does have mutual friends of ours that are girls that he will call occasionally and I could care less.  The part I'm having a hard time with is that this is someone he was in love with and that I do feel like it was being hid from me.  Like I told him today...i feel like it comes down to respect.  I respect him enough not to do that and even when I get a call from a guy I tell him about it.  Yesterday was a perfect example.  We left a Dr appt and I had a missed call from my old boss who is male and happens to be gay but DH has never met him so I mentioned he had called on the way home.  I also cut off all ties w/ a dear, dear guy friend of mine b/c I felt like it was the right thing to do.  Probably my very best friend and although we had never had a relationship like that he did have feelings for me at one time.  He was married and although it really was just a friendship for me I felt it was best to cut ties out of respect for my husband and his wife.  We had been friends for over 10yrs.  My husband says I shouldn't hold things that happened in past relationships against him.  I don't try to and I do trust him for the most part but I also believe that there is always temptation and its how you handle it that matters.  If you allow yourself to be put in that situation then it says something is missing or lacking in your relationship.  I support his weekend and overnights w/ his guy friends to play poker etc and never say a word.  I know he loves me but its just very suspicious to me especially given the fact that he hasn't been very affectionate toward me since I've been pregnant and sex seems to be a thing in the past for him...he just says he doesn't want to hurt me or the baby but I still need that closeness from him.

[Van73]

Nope, not over reacting.  The only thing is, I wouldn't have been the one sleeping on the couch and I would've called the ex to let her know that YOUR husband is sleeping on the couch because HIS PREGNANT wife just found this number in his phone.  I am sure she probably doesnt want the drama either!

[melimeli]

I'm with you although I am trying to be more secure.. haha... it is hard after you have been cheated on... I think it is ok as long as you are all friends...

[Brown Eyed Gurl]

nope no over reacting men shouldn't have friends they of the oposite sex that they don't feel totally comfortable talking to them on speaker phone every time.....heck in my opinion they shouldn't have female friends at all....

[saj39]

I agree with melimeli, you are not over-reacting. My husband and I have been married for over 12 yrs and there has been indiscretion on both parts, I hope you will not think bad of me but I want to share my story b/c it did have a happy ending and I too was pregnant when the exact thing happened to me. I had a feeling something wasn't right and when I had the chance I looked at his phone and found 2 numbers. I did some investigating and within a day or so had her name. Then I confronted him and he confessed. I was about 5 months pregnant at the time. He said he would end it and to make a long story short he left me in November (8 Months pregnant). I was a mess. He had his own place but b/c of the girls and my pregnancy he stay over alot. He was gone for 9 months and came to reI stopped eating and realize that what we had was worth fighting for. Now your situation could be totally different so please know that. Remember you are not alone!! I have been on both sides of the fence I can tell you that your main priority should be you!!  Take care of yourself and If you want to email me I am here for you! I will tell you that 3 years later we are expecting our 4th little girl and we have never been happier. Your not alone know that!! Sheri

[pcarsey]

I'm sorry that you are going through all this while your hormones are in a rage to begin with! ........ but... Can't say that you are over reacting but I myself wouldn't worry about it. Is he excited about the baby? Do you and him talk, and how would you rate the relationship now?.. given that you didn't know he has been in contact with her? My husband talks to his ex girlfriends all the time and has even gone out to dinner with them. I haven't been the least bit concerned because he has always been upfront with me. It's always been to see where each other are in their lives now and what changes they have gone through. Not that they are interested in the other now. I figure if my husband wanted someone else he wouldn't still be married to me. I have children from a previous marriage so he knows I can raise children on my own. And if I can't trust himself then what is that saying about me? I'm too insecure? That would be my problem and not his.
I guess in your case, it could be different..  maybe you should ask him why he hasn't mentioned this to you. It could be that he didn't know how you would handle it all given that he hasn't always been upfront with you (or he would have told you he was leaving when he did the first time). I would just talk to him. If he refuses to talk, give him a little time and then if he still doesn't then maybe you should seek some professional help.

Oh gosh, I hope I just didn't sound harsh..

[melimeli]

your not over reacting... don't want to fuel the fire but he has already programed her name into his phone and did it under cover..  It is so hard.. I know I was cheated on with my ex husband.  Good luck...