Something to think about

[adgal]

Fear of DS and other challenges come up in this forum fairly frequently.  Higher then average odds, thicker then normal NF and other concerns.  It can be terrifying to hear...I know, I have been there too.  I wanted to share with everyone some things I have learned in my time at MH and as a member of this forum.

I didn't start trying to have children until 37.  There were many reasons for that, but they aren't important in terms of this post.  My husband and I knew our risk was higher and at that time in our lives had decided that we were not equipped to deal with a "situation" like that.  I am now ashamed to say we had concluded that if that happened to us, we would probably terminate the pregnancy.  

We got pregnant and lost the baby.  This happened 4 more times before I got pregnant with my son.  During that time I began to spend a whole lot of time here and met some pretty incredible women.  Women that had children with a variety of special needs from DS to autism and everything else imaginable.  I met incredibly strong women like RDH and Trisha whose much loved children became angel babies at 6 or 7 weeks old.  I felt there pain.  I desperatly continued to try to maintain and a pregnancy, and during that time my feelings began to change.  I learned so much from these women.  I learned that a special need is not the worst thing that can happen.  These children still brought their parents so much joy and were no different then the babies born typical.  Even women like RDH who knew in advance that there were problems chose to have their children and fight for them.  By the time I was pregnant with Ryder I knew that there was no way I would terminate, even when I found out we had a much higher then average odds of him having DS.  There was just no way.

DH was still not on board with my change of heart.  When Pertykitty found out her daughter had DS, I began to follow her story very closely.  She has since become one of my closest MH friends.  She shared so much of her daughters story with us....from the end of her pregnancy to the birth and some of the challenges that have followed.  And she has told me time and time again that she would not change a thing.  I fell in love with that little girl.  As we are trying to have another child, I shared her story with DH.  I showed him her pictures and together we researched as best we could what it would mean to have a ds baby.  I am happy to say he is no longer afraid either, and for us, termination is no longer an option.  

We have come to realize that there are no guarantees in life.  Anything can happen at any time.  When I talk to other MH friends whose children had challenges that developed later...women like mum2beagain and another wonderful friend who doesn't really come on this forum, Specialmom, I realize that their children are perfect just the way they are.  I am no longer afraid of anything that may arise with either my son or any future children we may have.  They are all special and they are all perfect.  They all have a purpose and a destiny.  

I am still pro choice.  I do not judge anyone for any decision they make and will always offer any support I can.  I just wanted to post this because so many are afraid.  I was once too.   But having all these strong amazing women share their experiences has changed that for me.  I urge you to educate yourself (as pertykitty always says) and not make a decision out of fear.  You may find what I have...there really isn't anything to be afraid of.  Just something to think about.

[pertykitty]

you are far from selfish, you are so unselfish it is wonderful!  

as far as testing goes, im very glad i had the testing i did and this is why :  i was able to greive and educate myself so that when the day came for macy to enter this world her birth was a joyous and wonderful experience.  we also knew about certain health issues before so the dr's could have all the info ready to take the best possible care of her.  im not knocking those that dont test, im just saying for my family it was worked best :)

[pertykitty]

you know having down syndrome doesnt make a person necessarily automatic in the world of surgery, pain, discomfort.  this statement couldnt be more false.  that is why i say to educate yourselves.

people with ds can do most things anyone else can.  they can learn, go to school (many are in regular classes), dance, swim and do sports, some even marry and have children.  my daughter did have open heart surgery.  it was harder on us than it was on her.  sure she endured a major surgery, but still having her here is worth more than you can imagine.  

having a child with down syndrome isnt a life sentance.  sure they require more dr appts, physical therapy, maybe occupational ther. or speech, but they are no different than you or me.  that is the sad stigma that people dont understand.  sure there are levels of wht they can do or not do, i wont know about macy till she is a bit older but she is a happy and normal baby.  she laughs, cries, eats, poops and loves to play with us.  

i dont have much knowledge on testing prenatally but i have much info on after they are born.  besides the things i said before, they are just babies.  all the info and numbers, blah blah blah dont mean a thing when it comes down to this: all babies have needs and require love.  some people may not be able to handle the extra work in their minds, but you would be suprised what you are capable of!  

there are so many people that want to adopt a child with down syndrome or other needs, i myself would in a heartbeat if i had the space and time and money.  

there is just one thing that bugs me and that is the theory that they cant do this or that.  

if anyone reads this and is unsure msg me privatly (my comp is going crazy and not letting me type some letters!) and without judgement i will answer your questions and help you to find out the facts so you can make a decision with the real answers.  i hope everyone can realize that you can have an opinion and its ok, just lets keep the anger down and talk about it like adults.  

[adgal]

Well, as much as it doesn't frighten me to have one now (after all, I have no idea what the future holds with Ryder or any other children I may have, so no point in being afraid) I cannot say that I would seek one out.  Maybe that makes me selfish, I don't know.  But I am not certain I would intentionally go out and adopt a special needs child.  I admire people that do a great deal, but I am not sure if we would.  Just being honest.

[worried2451]

Wow Adgal your lack of fear regarding special needs children is admirable to say the least. I wonder if you have looked into adopting a special needs baby, I'm sure there must be soo many that need good homes and big brothers :)

[adgal]

I think much depends on when you believe life begins.  Obviously no one can know for certain if there is any pain involved or not.  Some believe in life at conception, others (this is my personal belief) when there is a heartbeat, and modern medicine as well as the law when the fetus is viable outside the womb.  There are even those that believe birth control is wrong as life is in the egg and sperm prior to them meeting.  We all have our own belief system which is why the issue of abortion in general will never truly be settled.  You cannot argue with what someone believes.  We just have to make the choice that is best for us.

[melimeli]

While I understand your point you also do not know what they are enduring during the abortion.  They are in utero so we cannot see their pain.  But an abortion for DS occurs at what 3-4 months?  Do you know if they feel the pain of being aborted and having their life ended?