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Something to think about
Fear of DS and other challenges come up in this forum fairly frequently. Higher then average odds, thicker then normal NF and other concerns. It can be terrifying to hear...I know, I have been there too. I wanted to share with everyone some things I have learned in my time at MH and as a member of this forum.
I didn't start trying to have children until 37. There were many reasons for that, but they aren't important in terms of this post. My husband and I knew our risk was higher and at that time in our lives had decided that we were not equipped to deal with a "situation" like that. I am now ashamed to say we had concluded that if that happened to us, we would probably terminate the pregnancy.
We got pregnant and lost the baby. This happened 4 more times before I got pregnant with my son. During that time I began to spend a whole lot of time here and met some pretty incredible women. Women that had children with a variety of special needs from DS to autism and everything else imaginable. I met incredibly strong women like RDH and Trisha whose much loved children became angel babies at 6 or 7 weeks old. I felt there pain. I desperatly continued to try to maintain and a pregnancy, and during that time my feelings began to change. I learned so much from these women. I learned that a special need is not the worst thing that can happen. These children still brought their parents so much joy and were no different then the babies born typical. Even women like RDH who knew in advance that there were problems chose to have their children and fight for them. By the time I was pregnant with Ryder I knew that there was no way I would terminate, even when I found out we had a much higher then average odds of him having DS. There was just no way.
DH was still not on board with my change of heart. When Pertykitty found out her daughter had DS, I began to follow her story very closely. She has since become one of my closest MH friends. She shared so much of her daughters story with us....from the end of her pregnancy to the birth and some of the challenges that have followed. And she has told me time and time again that she would not change a thing. I fell in love with that little girl. As we are trying to have another child, I shared her story with DH. I showed him her pictures and together we researched as best we could what it would mean to have a ds baby. I am happy to say he is no longer afraid either, and for us, termination is no longer an option.
We have come to realize that there are no guarantees in life. Anything can happen at any time. When I talk to other MH friends whose children had challenges that developed later...women like mum2beagain and another wonderful friend who doesn't really come on this forum, Specialmom, I realize that their children are perfect just the way they are. I am no longer afraid of anything that may arise with either my son or any future children we may have. They are all special and they are all perfect. They all have a purpose and a destiny.
I am still pro choice. I do not judge anyone for any decision they make and will always offer any support I can. I just wanted to post this because so many are afraid. I was once too. But having all these strong amazing women share their experiences has changed that for me. I urge you to educate yourself (as pertykitty always says) and not make a decision out of fear. You may find what I have...there really isn't anything to be afraid of. Just something to think about.
I didn't start trying to have children until 37. There were many reasons for that, but they aren't important in terms of this post. My husband and I knew our risk was higher and at that time in our lives had decided that we were not equipped to deal with a "situation" like that. I am now ashamed to say we had concluded that if that happened to us, we would probably terminate the pregnancy.
We got pregnant and lost the baby. This happened 4 more times before I got pregnant with my son. During that time I began to spend a whole lot of time here and met some pretty incredible women. Women that had children with a variety of special needs from DS to autism and everything else imaginable. I met incredibly strong women like RDH and Trisha whose much loved children became angel babies at 6 or 7 weeks old. I felt there pain. I desperatly continued to try to maintain and a pregnancy, and during that time my feelings began to change. I learned so much from these women. I learned that a special need is not the worst thing that can happen. These children still brought their parents so much joy and were no different then the babies born typical. Even women like RDH who knew in advance that there were problems chose to have their children and fight for them. By the time I was pregnant with Ryder I knew that there was no way I would terminate, even when I found out we had a much higher then average odds of him having DS. There was just no way.
DH was still not on board with my change of heart. When Pertykitty found out her daughter had DS, I began to follow her story very closely. She has since become one of my closest MH friends. She shared so much of her daughters story with us....from the end of her pregnancy to the birth and some of the challenges that have followed. And she has told me time and time again that she would not change a thing. I fell in love with that little girl. As we are trying to have another child, I shared her story with DH. I showed him her pictures and together we researched as best we could what it would mean to have a ds baby. I am happy to say he is no longer afraid either, and for us, termination is no longer an option.
We have come to realize that there are no guarantees in life. Anything can happen at any time. When I talk to other MH friends whose children had challenges that developed later...women like mum2beagain and another wonderful friend who doesn't really come on this forum, Specialmom, I realize that their children are perfect just the way they are. I am no longer afraid of anything that may arise with either my son or any future children we may have. They are all special and they are all perfect. They all have a purpose and a destiny.
I am still pro choice. I do not judge anyone for any decision they make and will always offer any support I can. I just wanted to post this because so many are afraid. I was once too. But having all these strong amazing women share their experiences has changed that for me. I urge you to educate yourself (as pertykitty always says) and not make a decision out of fear. You may find what I have...there really isn't anything to be afraid of. Just something to think about.
I am sorry to say it but when you have had an abortion and you mention it on Medhelp, there are always people to judge you loudly. Women who have had to terminate their pregnancies do not stay on this forum. This is the last place to turn to for comfort.
I very certainly would have terminated my pregnancy if I had been told my baby had DS for sure. And yes I consider myself informed enough to make this type of hypothetical decision. It's great that some people are strong enough to chose to raise children with disabilities (knowing about them at an early stage in the pregnancy), but personally I would not have made this choice. Now of course if my son were to have a serious disability in the future, I would deal with it and I would keep loving him no matter what. He is here now.
I know my opinion puts me in the minority here - oh well.
I very certainly would have terminated my pregnancy if I had been told my baby had DS for sure. And yes I consider myself informed enough to make this type of hypothetical decision. It's great that some people are strong enough to chose to raise children with disabilities (knowing about them at an early stage in the pregnancy), but personally I would not have made this choice. Now of course if my son were to have a serious disability in the future, I would deal with it and I would keep loving him no matter what. He is here now.
I know my opinion puts me in the minority here - oh well.
But that is exactly the point. Those that choose to terminate have their reasons. There was a time I felt the same way. I just worry about the women that are terror stricken without having all the information.
I think it's getting better in terms of those that make that choice feeling welcome. I know that I always defend them, and others do too.
The point of this post was not to influence decisions one way or the other. It was to encourage women who are scared to get the facts, then make their decision. I will always support those that make that choice and I will also defend them. I know many others who feel the way I do.
You making the decision you would is your decision and no one else has the right to tell you what you should do. Your life, your body, your family and your right. But I cannot tell you how many posts and pm's I have answered from women who are working on pure fear...and much of their info is misguided. Look how many women come on and havent even had a screen yet, terrified because some one has told them their baby will have all kinds of problems due to their age.
When these posts come up, they used to get very very ugly and heated. Not so much anymore. Everyone has a right to their opinion, but I have found that it is said in a much more respectful manner now. I truly hope that continues to be the case. How this is handled is the right of the women having the child and who will be raising it. I respect that. I just want to make sure everyone has the correct info.
I think it's getting better in terms of those that make that choice feeling welcome. I know that I always defend them, and others do too.
The point of this post was not to influence decisions one way or the other. It was to encourage women who are scared to get the facts, then make their decision. I will always support those that make that choice and I will also defend them. I know many others who feel the way I do.
You making the decision you would is your decision and no one else has the right to tell you what you should do. Your life, your body, your family and your right. But I cannot tell you how many posts and pm's I have answered from women who are working on pure fear...and much of their info is misguided. Look how many women come on and havent even had a screen yet, terrified because some one has told them their baby will have all kinds of problems due to their age.
When these posts come up, they used to get very very ugly and heated. Not so much anymore. Everyone has a right to their opinion, but I have found that it is said in a much more respectful manner now. I truly hope that continues to be the case. How this is handled is the right of the women having the child and who will be raising it. I respect that. I just want to make sure everyone has the correct info.
you know i want to add something for anyone that reads this that is dealing with the possibility of ds. i know i have just gone on and on about macy and how much i love her and accept her as she is. there are a few things though no matter how much you are able to accept a child that is going to be born with some genetic or health concern is you do have feelings you go through that you might be ashamed of.
when i was pg with macy i was having testing done. i knew terminating would never be for me but finding out was important. when i recieved the call that she did in fact have down syndrome i felt like my world went crazy. i had grief over the child she would never be. before my amnio i thought "maybe if i have it i will miscarry and not have to deal with it". after much research and talking to many moms it is a very normal reaction and im not ashamed of how i felt.
i picked myself up after a day or so of pity party time and learned as much as i could. talked to people from the local down syndrome group. learned my emotions were normal and people with ds can do so much. heck a friend of mine from the ds society has dd with ds that just got her drivers license!!
i guess what i am trying to add here is i dont want to paint a picture that it was never hard for me to accept. i went through the emotions and realized that it isnt the "what she wont be able to do" but the "she can do this!" that made me realize that if i had lost that precious angel i would never have experienced a love that is beyond what i could imagine. sure it has been rough with feeding tubes in the begining and open heart surgery but its all been worth every minute of my time. :)
when i was pg with macy i was having testing done. i knew terminating would never be for me but finding out was important. when i recieved the call that she did in fact have down syndrome i felt like my world went crazy. i had grief over the child she would never be. before my amnio i thought "maybe if i have it i will miscarry and not have to deal with it". after much research and talking to many moms it is a very normal reaction and im not ashamed of how i felt.
i picked myself up after a day or so of pity party time and learned as much as i could. talked to people from the local down syndrome group. learned my emotions were normal and people with ds can do so much. heck a friend of mine from the ds society has dd with ds that just got her drivers license!!
i guess what i am trying to add here is i dont want to paint a picture that it was never hard for me to accept. i went through the emotions and realized that it isnt the "what she wont be able to do" but the "she can do this!" that made me realize that if i had lost that precious angel i would never have experienced a love that is beyond what i could imagine. sure it has been rough with feeding tubes in the begining and open heart surgery but its all been worth every minute of my time. :)
I Have adopted 5 specials needs children and am thankful everyday that their Mom's chose to give them up for adoption instead of abort. I can not even think about a life without these wondeful children in it!!! It is very hard at times but always worth it! I know it may not be the choice everyone can make,but again thank God that these women did,
What a beautiful post Amanda!! It brought me to tears!! Thta happens alot lately, lol!!
While I would never abort because of DS or any reason we had that scare with our Taylor. I was so proud and happy with DH for not wanting to go through with the amnio because to him it didnt matter:) She was already loved more than any child could ever be:) I totally understand how these great woman at MH can change our point of views on somethings. So many great mamas here!!
While I would never abort because of DS or any reason we had that scare with our Taylor. I was so proud and happy with DH for not wanting to go through with the amnio because to him it didnt matter:) She was already loved more than any child could ever be:) I totally understand how these great woman at MH can change our point of views on somethings. So many great mamas here!!
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