My turn to vent a little

[SuzM]

I had lunch with a relative and mentioned that I had been looking at pics of a beautiful little baby girl that was born recently to someone in this forum in their mid forties and how sweet the pictures were and that she had conceived naturally. The response I got was a very sour face and the comment, "Wasn't that a little selfish? Look how old she'll be when her daughter is in college."  I tend not to be the sort of person that gets angry too easily but I've heard these comments before and I felt ... oh I can't even put it into words. I felt angry, and disappointed  that this person was so judgemental and negative when I didn't expect it from them and I felt very protective of the lady who had the little girl. To me it was like it was being suggested that she would be a bad Mom somehow and was only thinking of herself. And even though I've never met this Mom or talked to her, I've seen her comments here, her pictures and read her story on here and I KNOW in my heart she will be a wonderful Mom and her daughter is blessed to have a Mom who cares so very much and wanted her so badly. All babies should be so lucky!  One of the worst things it made me do was question myself and whether or not I was being "selfish" to be trying. I don't understand why people are so negative. If someone told me someone else just had a child, regardless of their situation I would only wish the best for them and their babies. And really what do these judgemental people think should happen? Do they believe that every man over 30 should have a vasectomy or every woman over 30 should have a hysterectomy? Or after whatever this supposedly acceptable cut off age is. I'm sorry, I'll quit ranting now and just say this... to all of you ladies who have just had your little ones or are pregnant right now, I wish you all the best in the world and I think if you love your little ones like I KNOW you do!!! then you will be a fantastic mom whether you are 25, 35, or 45 !

[SuzM]

You guys are wonderful! Thank you for sharing your stories and thoughts with me . Really, you all have put it back into perspective for me. And yes, this relative does know we are TTC, but that's ok. I'm back to focussing on the positive. I think Ruby's suggestion was right though and that I should be more careful about what I say to people about this subject, especially now when I'm in the situation I am and may take their negative comments more to heart than I would typically.
Thank-you!
Suz
XO

[Scotland2009]

I agree that women is ignorant.  I'm just now 40 and expecting a baby.  However, I have a girl that's 18 and one that's 12.  Some of the comments I get is.... why would you do that when you have a girl that's 18 now or... wow, they're really spread apart!  You know, if they didn't know I had an 18 year old, I bet they wouldn't say that.  As if it's any of their business, I am in a brand new marriage to a man that's never had any children.  He wanted this child as much as I did and we are both on top of the world and we hope to have another after this.  I feel like life is just beginning for us... I certainly don't feel my age and I'm sure I'll be around a good long time!

[smr08]

Boy have I been down this road! I have 3 children ages 22, 21 and 12. When I got pregnant with my 12yr old I heard so many rude comments I just wanted to scream!!! Why should it have mattered how old my other children were??? Well last year at age 40 I found out that I was pregnant and was so afraid to tell people because of what they would say to me, well when it finally came out so did all the ignorance. I had to listen to people asking why I would want another child at my age especially now that my children are grown. I just wanted people to be happy for me, a child is such a blessing. Well sadly I lost my son when I was just about 5 months along and still had to endure the rudeness of some people. Well now i'm 42 yrs young and TTC since Dec. and "WHEN" it happens this time I will be shouting from the rooftop!!!

                              Lori

[Fugitive06]

I'm another one on your side!

I had my 1st at 32 & number 2 is on the way & I will be 40!  In fact my mother was 37 when she had me & she was anything but selfish.  We are incredibly close & she is THRILLED with the new addition to the family.

Some woman feel that they are better equipped to have children later.  I am WAY more confident, educated, grounded, level-headed & calmer than I was in my 20s & even 30s.  I've been through a lot of **** & have come to terms with just as much.

Don't tell the young ones this, but I think that we make better Moms in some ways.  Besides, I got to be truly wild in my 20s with no one else to worry about & because of that I've learn amazing & difficult lessons & I have AWESOME stories to tell.

I wouldn't have it any other way!!!

Namaste!
Fugitive

[kristine625]

rubyinparadise,  I completely agree that sometimes you have to be careful with who you talk to about mc or pregnancies, etc.  Good point.

I have a friend who, every time she asks me how it's going (I've had 4 mc, I'm 39 y/o, no kids yet), I always give in and update her in the hopes that she won't go in detail about her opinions.  I am always wrong.

This last time completely confirmed it.  I could not believe the reaction she had when I told her I just had my fourth mc.  She went on and on and on about how horrible.  "How horrible!"  She said, following a huge gasp into the telephone.  Then she continued to go on again about how horrible that is.

Not supportive at all.  Yeah, I really want to sit here on the phone an listen to how horrible YOU think it is.  That's really enjoyable to me.  I practically had to hang up on her.

For some reason people feel it is more important to express how THEY feel.  I have always thought (even when I was 25, 30, 35, before I was even married) that pregnancy is one of those topics where you should see how the woman feels about it and respond accordingly to HER feelings.

[adgal]

I just ignore things like that.  I am having my first baby at 41 and absolutely plan for another.  Pamela is my inspiration!!  Age is a number and we all need to do what is best for us. I have a few friends with grandchildren and they all try to be supportive, but I do hear a lot of "I can't imagine doing this again at our age".  Well, for me this was the best time!  I quickly point out the benefits.....I am more stable emotionally and financially is the big one.  We have to become parents when its right for us, not right for others.  And it others don't like it, not my problem!!  

[rubyinparadise]

You know what they say about opinions... ;)

All we can do is shield ourselves from such people. In the case of relatives, we're kind of stuck with them so all we can do is just decide not to go to certain places conversationally where we know that person is going to be rude and insensitive. So now ya know.

Last week I had lunch with a very dear friend I hadn't seen in years. She asked me about baby names and for some reason I shared a few with her, despite the fact that I really want to keep our decision private until after the baby is born and named.

It was just confirmation: she started giving me 10 different reasons why one of the names on my short list is a bad idea-- including that she dated a guy by the same name 15 years ago and he was a bit of a schmuck! Sorry, but that has no bearing on *my* life or my family's!

She meant absolutely no harm, but I learned an important lesson about keeping this whole process to myself. I'm very careful about who I'll talk to about my past miscarriage, my pregnancy, or our plans for more kids. (I'll be 39 when this baby is born and we maaaay try for a second.)

[miraculous]

you know  some people just can't help themselves. small minded people like her who don't even stop and think before they open their mouth aren't worth worrying about. I always think that people like her must be missing something in their own lives to be be so negative and miserable towards other people. remember KARMA,  good or bad always comes back to people enough said.
Do not even give her the satisfaction of getting to you

I am one of those older mums and I can assure you nothing feels any different, I just thank god every day for my 2 little boys

[kristine625]

People really  have such nerve sometimes.  I hate to ask, but does this relative realize that you guys are trying to conceive? It makes it even more insensitive.  I don't think you over-reacted.  I would have felt exactly the same way.

I am 39.  I didn't get married until I was 36.  I just had my fourth miscarriage.  I don't plan on giving up.  And I really do not think that I am being unreasonable.  I don't consider myself an "older" person trying to have a baby.  I just didn't settle down until 36, I was chasing my career until then.

People who say things like that really have nothing better to do than spout out negativity.

I like to surround myself with positivity.

Now I am positively going to get a cupcake too :)

[SuzM]

Hi Wendy :)

You are absolutely right! LOL and now I have to run to the store because I'm in the mood for a cupcake! LOL See what you did!?  

Seriously though guys, thank you for putting this into perspective for me because I've heard lots of these comments before but I wasn't expecting it from this person and yes, I let it get to me. Thanks for your comments!

[TreeFrog7]

Hi Suz!

Such comments are based on nothing factual. As for the folks who spout such nonsense, I'm sure they spout lots of other nonsense as well. Some folks just spout nonsense, the way the rest of us spread good cheer, or do macrame.

Just try to steer clear of them.

Glad you ranted here - that's what we're here for! (aside from discussing ACTUAL FACTS)  :-)

Take it easy, have a cupcake,
~Wendy

[SuzM]

of course you shouldn't be exempt from having children ! You were obviously meant to have children. = ) Congratulations on your pregnancy!

[SuzM]

Yes. Exactly! You have your own opinions as to when you think it's ideal or not (whether your views are based on age, income, etc) as we all must do but yet ultimately what you want for them when the situation is less than ideal in your eyes is for it to work out the best for them that it can. You said you "pray for them " and try not to be judgemental. Of course we all pass judgement one way or another whether we are right or wrong but the bottom line is that you if you think if a situation isn't great in your eyes, you know that what is needed is support, not snide comments. That doesn't mean you are judgemental for having your opinions, Wanting, that means you considerate and caring in how you respond to your opinions. And i guess that's what got to me at the lunch. My relative had their views and instead of just wanting what was best and wishing them well, it was all just this negative pious attitude coming across. I should try not to be so over sensitive I think. LOL

[riley10]

My husband and I didnt get together until we were 37.  Got married at 38.  Neither of us have children.  We've been through one miscarriage together and are currently pregnant (9wks).  I will be 40 when the baby is born.  Why should we be exempt from having children?  We got a late start.  We should be able to have a family just like everyone else.  That lady who made that comment should be slapped.  Until you are in someone else's shoes, judgement should never be made.

[wanting4#1]

I couldn't agree more with you and I'm sorry that this person's insensitive and ignorant comments have caused you to question your decisions and goals.

I've thought a lot (now that I am pregnant) about my age, etc. in relation to not only this baby but the next one that we are hoping to have.  The reality is that none of us has a crystal ball to predict the future....a young mother (19) just died from the swine flu leaving her newborn to be raised by others.  Not everyone has one foot in the grave at 60, either, so there's no reason to think that one can't be an active, involved loving parent at that age...

I do think that there is some moral obligation to consider age when having a child, but I feel like it's the more extreme ages ....when the 60-something got pregnant with a child in another country, I was mortified about what implications it would have on her child (sure enough, she passed away this year, I believe)...but I also think that when a young person (13, 14 and such) is pregnant and keeping the child, it's not really fair to the baby either...

So for me, it's a case-by-case situation and even then, I pray for them and I have thoughts, but I try to remind myself that I don't walk in their shoes and I try (mostly fail, but I do try) to not  be judgmental.

Good luck in your path! :)

[SuzM]

AND... not only are you blessed to have this child, but this child is blessed to have YOU. Ok. I'm really done now. lol
xoxo to all
Suz