DEPRESSED :((

[StressHead]

I am currently staying in the lGI transition ward and have been there for ten days. The boys are breast feeding and bottle feeding but don't always finish their feeds and have started to loose weght since they took the tubes out and took them off of fortifier.
I have come home for the afternoon and feel guilty because the nurses made me feel that way. It's very hard looking after the twins on my own (Neil is working and can't get there for more than an hour a day) and each shift change brings with it a new opinion of what I should be doing. The boys are prolly loosing weight because I have to follow a different nurses feding routine every day :(
They told me three days ago I wouldn't still be there on my birthday (16 Dec) but today they are saying Christmas Eve.

I have just spent the last two hours crying because I don't want to go back and feel like **** person, I would like to say mother but I don't feel like they are my babies because so many ther people have a say in them.

They haven't been able to regulate their own body temperaturs for the last two night which has probably a lot to do with the fact that we are next to a really drafty window and the temp outside is lowering but the Doctors wouldn't see this when I argued.

I really can copes with this at all.....the next time I get on the net will be when the boys are home so hopefully this isn;t going to last but I feel really depressed at the moment and torn between wanting to be with Neil and wanting to be with the twins :(

Please pray that my twins put on weight in the next two days and can regulate their own temperature and maybe I will get home sooner before I end up with postnatal depression!!!

[LauraB78]

I am hoping for holiday miracles for you and your boys! I am alwasy thinking of you and praying for you!

Post an update when you can!

((huge HUGS!!))

[yelloweskimo]

I am so sorry that this is happening. I have been praying for you and will continue to do so. I am sure that christmas will turn things around for you and the boys.

[Gina209]

Girl, I've been trying to follow your updates! I'm still praying for your boys every single day! They are going to be fine! Their just going through a difficult time right now..but they have a very strong mommy and daddy and they will get through this! They'll both be your little Christmas Miracles :) I know it seems rough now but they will be home in your arms before you know it! Just stay positive and keep praying!
They look great in the pictures you have...their developing and getting stronger more and more everyday. Remember girl, all they need is love! Praying and praying over here. You know your super mom right now..hang in there! XOXO

[Helen72]

OMG, I am so very sorry this is happening to your boys!  I hope that Christmas will bring you some good news.

[StressHead]

Last night kalen stopped breathing and had prolonged apnea so they tok him back to HDU and monitored him. He had another episode so they did tests and screens and stopped his feed. I can't bear to sit with him becaus ehe has gone more than 24 hours without a feed and is writhing around distressed and screaming.
Then the same thing hppened to Jack four hours ago, he went limp in my arms like Kalen did and went blue and they had to give him oxygen. I have theories of why it has happened but the Doctors want to follow protocol and refused to check out Jack yesterday even when I suggested it may happened to him and I wasn't comfortable to wait for this.
I requested they send Jack to HDU for the night because I have lots all my confidence and daren;t even feed him in case I kill him. It is going to be very diifficult to kep you posted because I will have to go bac to tranny care til possibly New Year

Your prayers worked though, the boys had put on 90g or more each in two days...PLEASE PRAY FOR THEM NOW!!!

[terra_dawn]

Ahh, must be very hard for you. You sure have dealt with alot. You must be so tired and so overwhelmed!!  Don't worry, you will be home soon with your babies and everything will work out! You sound like a great mom!! Congratulations!!

[Cheesecake7]

I agree whole heartedly with what the other ladies have said. You are thier mom and you know better than any nurse what those babies need and how to take care of them.  You are doing an excellent job, don't let those nurses make you feel otherwise.  Stay strong, it won't be too long. You have a tremendous amount of strength and heart to go through what you have with your beautiful babies, be proud of yourself, we are all very proud of you!

[yelloweskimo]

I also agree. You are doing really well, and it is time for you to stand your ground and tell those nurses where to go. If you know they need a feed then feed them, that's exactly how it would be if you were at home with them.

This must be really hard for you, and you are extremely strong and are doing so well. It's only natural to feel this way.

I will keep the twins in my thoughts and pray they will put on weight. Everything will be ok soon. All our thoughts are with you.

[LauraB78]

I agree with Nikko and Tarbonic.

Hang in there! You are a fantastic Mommy and I think the depression you are feeling os totally normal..

And have you considered coming up w. a feeding schedule and telling them when YOU are feeding your boys, or is that not allowed? All the best.. You and the boys are in my thoughts..

My sister has twins and they were quite premature as well.. Rachael came home after 5 weeks,and Sarah had blood transfusions at birth and she was in  the NICU for 11 weeks.. I dont know first hand, but I saw whnat my sister went through. I know it is hard, but you can do it!!!

HUGS!!

[Tarobinc]

I think Nikko summed it up quite lovely.

You are the mommy and strong one at that.  You know what is best for your boys; try to see that through.

Keep up your strength, allow yourself to feel down; you have been through so much...its only normal, I think, to feel as you do right now.  

[nikko*ttc]

I am sure they will put on weight. They are doing so good and are well on their way to being home. You may just have to start following your instinct a bit more and tell them nurses where to shove it. If you think it is time to feed them, then feed them. They are your babies and you are the one who has a special connection to them. God will see you through. You are a mother in every sense of the word. I am so proud of the person you are. It is so very hard with preemies and you are such a strong person, but hang in there every milestone they reach will feel like a giant gap that you have jumped.