Aa
grrr husbands
I need to vent sorry ladies... my husband has been out of work now since before xmas and today got offered casual work doing production line in a steel factory which he had a hissy fit about and left in a rage now dont get me wrong its **** work for **** money but at the moment we have only my student income which is $200 a week and we have been borrowing off family to get by... I know I dont work and I have no right to say anything and I always try to be supportive and say if u dont want to u dont have to but honestly by now ive had enough we have nothing for bub yet my parents are out of money and my students payments are about to be cut because off leaving to have bub iam so stressed but I feel he should just go to get some income... is this wrong am I over reacting? Is it just that I've seen him all day everyday (minus his gym sessions) for 2 months straight.. I feel crazy and emotional :(
COMMUNITY LEADER
Well, it's an unfortunate situation, that is for sure. I don't really know what to tell you. A simple answer to a question of whether you should be upset or not, is yes.
I'm just going to say this--- not from my experience of one or two other people's experience but through the experience of many women is that that if you raise your standards, you usually have a partner that will rise to the occasion. If you allow things to be status quo or make excuses for someone, they often stay exactly how they are. And unless you are happy about that, then you must up your expectations of your partner,.
I believe in talking about it.
I'm very upfront in relationships including my relationship. We all have different things we look for in a partner and if your man working hard is important to you--- then speak it. Tell him that you have an expectation. And be firm. He may get upset---- but that is okay. Because what are your other options?
I'm just going to say this--- not from my experience of one or two other people's experience but through the experience of many women is that that if you raise your standards, you usually have a partner that will rise to the occasion. If you allow things to be status quo or make excuses for someone, they often stay exactly how they are. And unless you are happy about that, then you must up your expectations of your partner,.
I believe in talking about it.
I'm very upfront in relationships including my relationship. We all have different things we look for in a partner and if your man working hard is important to you--- then speak it. Tell him that you have an expectation. And be firm. He may get upset---- but that is okay. Because what are your other options?
I understand where you're coming from, but I still feeling like your wording could be offensive. I understand that men are supposed to support their wives and be there for them when they're pregnant, but sometimes the situation doesn't always present them to be "losers"
My husband for example. He was discharged from the Army, we moved into my mom's house, and he had a complete cultural shock because of being in a Filipino household where we barely spoke English. For a while it did upset me that he wasn't working, but he had his own internal issues he was facing. He was still trying to find himself after losing the one thing he knew to be: a solider.
Now I'm not trying to excuse that things like this make it okay for him to not have a job, but he's also human and he felt pressured with everything. And I completely understand people needing time and space to heal and accept things. If their husbands have cold feet, or are feeling pressured, maybe talking to them and explaining everything openly and fully would be better than just telling them to get a job. Have them open up.
It doesn't help to hear that your husband is a loser when you already feel at witts end trying everything possible to get them to financially help you.
My husband for example. He was discharged from the Army, we moved into my mom's house, and he had a complete cultural shock because of being in a Filipino household where we barely spoke English. For a while it did upset me that he wasn't working, but he had his own internal issues he was facing. He was still trying to find himself after losing the one thing he knew to be: a solider.
Now I'm not trying to excuse that things like this make it okay for him to not have a job, but he's also human and he felt pressured with everything. And I completely understand people needing time and space to heal and accept things. If their husbands have cold feet, or are feeling pressured, maybe talking to them and explaining everything openly and fully would be better than just telling them to get a job. Have them open up.
It doesn't help to hear that your husband is a loser when you already feel at witts end trying everything possible to get them to financially help you.
*Husband a loser*
You welcome we have to be happy for us no one else especially no one up hea and special mom is only saying that because they are like suppose to be advise givers on thos app and it seems all they do os talk like there better then everyone else calling somebodys hudband prefect or not is not help its sh*t talking no matter how you look at it yall meed to do you alls job and give support if not dont comment at all
COMMUNITY LEADER
Good post rockrose. I hear ya!
I realize what I said came off as terse, but I honestly meant it empathetically.
In generations past, men took great pride in being able to provide, and felt real shame if they had to rely on others for support. The truth is, sometimes they HAD to rely on others due to health issues or hard luck outside their control, but it was a hard thing to do and they'd have to swallow their pride hard and then they were eternally grateful for help.
Of course, there were some men in the generations past who didn't support their children, and they were shamed and not accepted socially.
At some point the pendulum will swing back and there will again be social pressure on men to take care of their kids and feel shame if they don't.
Feeling empathy for women who do all the work, make all the money, support the kids and their partners with no help at all. Which is not the way it's supposed to work. Parenting is a partnership.
In generations past, men took great pride in being able to provide, and felt real shame if they had to rely on others for support. The truth is, sometimes they HAD to rely on others due to health issues or hard luck outside their control, but it was a hard thing to do and they'd have to swallow their pride hard and then they were eternally grateful for help.
Of course, there were some men in the generations past who didn't support their children, and they were shamed and not accepted socially.
At some point the pendulum will swing back and there will again be social pressure on men to take care of their kids and feel shame if they don't.
Feeling empathy for women who do all the work, make all the money, support the kids and their partners with no help at all. Which is not the way it's supposed to work. Parenting is a partnership.
COMMUNITY LEADER
Please don't take offense to someone saying something that rolls through your mind once in a while. You want him to work too. it's hard to understand when someone doesn't work when they have a woman and soon to be child dependent on them. It doesn't mean he can't get it together and do better for you. And I'd NEVER lower that expectation.
But I just can't be all flowery about it or say exactly what you want to hear. He'll either step up to the plate or he will be a loser and not.
And by the way, my husband is a loser when he leaves the toilet set up. Nobody is perfect. Don't get mad at the wording but try to see the message. People are only trying to help here, I believe.
But I just can't be all flowery about it or say exactly what you want to hear. He'll either step up to the plate or he will be a loser and not.
And by the way, my husband is a loser when he leaves the toilet set up. Nobody is perfect. Don't get mad at the wording but try to see the message. People are only trying to help here, I believe.
COMMUNITY LEADER
I think what rockrose is saying is that these husbands are not ideal. I mean, loser is a word for that and I can't say I don't disagree. Husbands/partners with a child on the way who are preferring no job over having one or asking people for pot and some of these other stories would make me crazy! I believe in work ethic and living a good life for the sake of your family. And these values don't seem to be ones these guys have.
I would tell him to get over himself and take the job. Because it is ridiculous if he doesn't. What's his plan if he doesn't take this job? Go on welfare? Ugh. You want better for yourself and your child that is coming and I don't blame you.
Men who are about to be fathers need to step up to the plate and be MEN. Not little boys and little boys is how these guys are currently acting. I totally agree that you must have high standards and do not lower them just because they throw fits and pout (as children do).
I would never just not say anything when I see the finances going to pot because I don't want to 'stress my partner and have him get upset. What does supportive mean? That he is nice to you as long as you don't expect much?
I'm telling women all the time that they need to appreciate their hard working partners. However, when they aren't hard working---- that doesn't mean you should ever be okay with that. And if they are working but it is like they are spinning their wheels---- encouraging them to improve either their skillset or improve their position somehow is what a GOOD partner does. That's not pressure. That's being honest that the family does need income.
The number one reason for divorce? Money. keep that in mind. Financial issues break up couples.
I would encourage your husband that he needs to take that job until he finds something he likes better and if he resists--- you tell him to tell you HIS plan then. That you aren't asking your family for more money that you have to pay back (and what if they start saying no anyway).
The other thing I really recommend because I'm sure it is really hard and this makes you feel SO vulnerable is that you figure out how you can earn an income. You mention student money. Are you using that for classes or are you in school? (otherwise, be careful---- you'll have to pay that money back if they figure that out). I'd really get yourself in a situation so that regardless of whether he will man up, you can take care of supportive yourself and your child. If he doesn't work, you can then decide if you want a third kid (him) to support or if he has to move out because all adults need to contribute.
I'm pretty tough on this subject. And rockrose is right when she talks about the work ethic of men in the past. They knew they had to take care of their family and they did anything they could in order to do that. seems like more men today just don't have that attitude. it's disturbing, really.
You are right to be disturbed by it. I hope your partner steps up and does the RIGHT thing. peace
I would tell him to get over himself and take the job. Because it is ridiculous if he doesn't. What's his plan if he doesn't take this job? Go on welfare? Ugh. You want better for yourself and your child that is coming and I don't blame you.
Men who are about to be fathers need to step up to the plate and be MEN. Not little boys and little boys is how these guys are currently acting. I totally agree that you must have high standards and do not lower them just because they throw fits and pout (as children do).
I would never just not say anything when I see the finances going to pot because I don't want to 'stress my partner and have him get upset. What does supportive mean? That he is nice to you as long as you don't expect much?
I'm telling women all the time that they need to appreciate their hard working partners. However, when they aren't hard working---- that doesn't mean you should ever be okay with that. And if they are working but it is like they are spinning their wheels---- encouraging them to improve either their skillset or improve their position somehow is what a GOOD partner does. That's not pressure. That's being honest that the family does need income.
The number one reason for divorce? Money. keep that in mind. Financial issues break up couples.
I would encourage your husband that he needs to take that job until he finds something he likes better and if he resists--- you tell him to tell you HIS plan then. That you aren't asking your family for more money that you have to pay back (and what if they start saying no anyway).
The other thing I really recommend because I'm sure it is really hard and this makes you feel SO vulnerable is that you figure out how you can earn an income. You mention student money. Are you using that for classes or are you in school? (otherwise, be careful---- you'll have to pay that money back if they figure that out). I'd really get yourself in a situation so that regardless of whether he will man up, you can take care of supportive yourself and your child. If he doesn't work, you can then decide if you want a third kid (him) to support or if he has to move out because all adults need to contribute.
I'm pretty tough on this subject. And rockrose is right when she talks about the work ethic of men in the past. They knew they had to take care of their family and they did anything they could in order to do that. seems like more men today just don't have that attitude. it's disturbing, really.
You are right to be disturbed by it. I hope your partner steps up and does the RIGHT thing. peace
Yeah he is super supportive and I always try not to pressure him not matter how stressed about money I am I always say "we will get through" and he never pushes me to get a job he understands I wanna go to uni and supports me I just get frustrated sometimes thank you tho ... BTW he didnt end up taking the job :(
Hopefully he realizes that a crappy job right now is still money :/ my husband finally picked up a job and even though it's not as exciting as he'd like it to be, it helps with the baby and our bills. We're just lucky my mom is letting us live rent free. And I bet your husband is a wonderful guy, just going through a tough time as well. I couldn't imagine having the pressure of having to take on everything because his partner is pregnant. You know? So hopefully it's just him having cold feet a little, and he'll snap out of it! :)
To the other ladies thankyou so much for ur support sometimes I just feel like im crazy and its just me but to be honest im glad its not I hope ur men do the best they can to help you :)
Sorry I wasnt aware that this forum was for judgement and of course ur husband is the best guy out there great but to me my man is perfect FOR ME yeah he poos me off but thats life and we are happy and supportive of each other..
Yes it was rude idc what my husband does id be darned if i let some stranger belittle him in anyway she is asking for support, not for someone to talk crap about her husband , there in it for better or worse the best thing i can tell you is tell him how you feel in a calm way to avoid arguing let him know at this point it not anout what he wants but what's best for the baby. Its sometimes i think hard for men to lock it in there head its a whole nother life comming but pray and just talk to your husband
RockRose, that was kind of a rude comment.
My husband was the same way, and he felt really overwhelmed because he suddenly felt the pressure to support three mouths instead of just two. But at the same time, my husband and I found out that we were pregnant after we got separated from the Army. He didn't start working until after the New Year and I'm due in 2 weeks. He makes $350 every week, which isn't much, but it's enough for now. Anything is helpful. So hopefully your husbands open their eyes and try to find work soon. Good luck!
My husband was the same way, and he felt really overwhelmed because he suddenly felt the pressure to support three mouths instead of just two. But at the same time, my husband and I found out that we were pregnant after we got separated from the Army. He didn't start working until after the New Year and I'm due in 2 weeks. He makes $350 every week, which isn't much, but it's enough for now. Anything is helpful. So hopefully your husbands open their eyes and try to find work soon. Good luck!
I know how u feel. My husband works yes, but throughout the week I catch him asking people for fronts of marijuana so then we owe people like $30. He gets paid weekly but he works only about 18 hours a week minimum wage which is barely enough to get us by. Weve had to cut our gas because we can't afford it. I get monthly income assistance of about $230 which ALL of it goes to rent while he gets paid weekly and spends a dime here and there on things we need but usually it goes to weed and beer. I confront him all the time about it but his excuse is" I'm not worried about it" then he turns and ******* about his hours but never usually wants to go. That's why I have given up and told him once baby comes he can quit his job, stay home with our son, and I'll go work since I can pass the **** test. I definitely know how u feel.
No, you are not wrong at all!!! They need to work even if it is not what they want to do. I tell my SO all of the time, if your family neater to you at all, you will do whatever it takes to make sure we are taken care of, even if that means it's not what you want to do. It's called being an adult and taking care of your responsibilities. There's no excuse.
I'm sorry you two have married loser husbands.
Used to be, husbands took great pride in supporting their wives and children.
Used to be, husbands took great pride in supporting their wives and children.
Not wrong at all! I'm in the same boat with my husband also and every time I mention how he spends the only bit of money we have he turns it on me and blows up! I don't work, I haven't been able to from how sick I get but I literally don't spend a penny except for our bills (priority). While he spends our bill money on parts for his car like paint for rims ect ect. So unnecessary and so stressful!! I'm sorry you are going through this I'm sure something will change for the best soon enough.
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