MAJOR problem

[smjmekg]

So I went to check my mail and found shortly after entering that I was in my husband's account (yahoo)...Noticed a title called the daily mag while I was in it (not snooping at all *wink*)...clicked on it and it was PORN!!! I've been in his account before when I was being my paranoid self, and this is DEFINITELY new and it's a daily subscription, free of course, for pictures of anything and everything you could think of. I clicked the unsubscribe, and remove me buttons and it said thank you for opting out. I'm about to see if I have the correct password to his yahoo and will be checking up on this....but what should I do about it??? Just tell him maybe that was the first thing in his inbox and say I thought it was my mail and ask him what the H#LL he's doing looking at it? We've had numerous discussions over it, he knows how I feel about it, and said he wouldn't look at it...ever unless he was deployed. I have a HUGE problem with porn, I don't believe people in a loving caring relationship should look at it so PLEASE no responses along the lines of "it's natural/get over it"...I made it clear to him I do not like it, didn't make a huge deal out of it while he was in Korea without me, but told him I didn't like it and he said "he wouldn't watch it" I knew he would while I wasn't here, but now that we've been back together (I live in Korea with him) for more than a year I expect him to come to me for anything sexual...NOT to look at porn...should I keep an eye on it and bring it up later if I see something again??? I know it would cause a fight, but I can/will NOT compete with porn.

[Sarah61086]

bossestina you have totally condraticted your point

"when your married you can look at anything"

if thats true then her husband should be able to look at porn - which you just disagreed with.

Im sorry but snooping through mail is much worse than looking at porn.

At the end of the day porn is exactly the same as what you do in your own bedroom - its just made public - fair enough some people find it offensive, but thats their issue.

You cant say you wouldnt take your husband watching porn bcos you find it offensive, but its ok for you to snoop through his mail - bcos im sure your husband would find that offensive.

Its a two way street.
Looking through your husbands mail shows no trust and is out of order.

Good luck having a marraige for life if you continue with that behavour

There is no way you would accept him browsing through your stuff, so why should it be ok this way round

[Michele, Katy, TX]

I did not read all of the responses but I didn't have to.  I agree with most everything you post.  You and I have a lot of the same opinions and values, etc.

If you don't feel comfortable with porn, you have that right!!!!  If a person wants to date a non smoker, they have that right.  If a person wants to date a non drinker, they have that right.  That is YOUR right!!!!

I don't want my husband looking at  that c r a p either!!  And if he feels the need to, he can find himself another wife :)

Good luck!!

[bossetina]

i no if my husbent would be watching porn i would not take it at all and i do not feel she is CONTROLING.becouse she look at his mail when your married your married you can look at anything i no i would....

[ammanda]

Hey there,
Just wanted to tell you my opinion, I do agree that if you guys have told each other how you feel about it, and came to an agreement then he should stick with what he said. I hate men who lie.  Theres no need for it.  And yea maybe he really enjoys porn and doesn't want to upset you, I don't know whats going on in his head.  You should defiantly talk to him about it, even if it does cause a fight, having a lil fight for a bit about it, is gonna make you feel better then worrying all the time and not having the answers you want.  I personally love porn and me and my Fiancee watch it together.  I'm not being negative just sharing with you.  I agree  I think those girls are nasty s l u t s!! but that's what makes it okay with me, cause I know they have nothing on me, and really my fiancee doesn't watch it for the girls, he has me, and he tells me how nasty those girls are, but we like to watch sex together, sorry if that's TMI.  Your his wife, and I can defiantly agree that if your uncomfortable with it then its something he should respect.  But in my opinion, I trust my Fiancee, and I would never get into his account and change the password, which I don't think you would either you were probably just really upset.  You should talk to him.  Let me know how things go, and good luck!!!  

[DoulaSummer]

I think you have trust issue (whether justified or not I do not know) and jealousy issues.  I know its not what you want to hear and that is ok.  You can blow up at me and go off on your tangent of how I "don't understand" but I do.  I am a wife and a lover, but I am respectful of my husband at the same time.

Have you asked your husband why he feels the need to look at porn?  I don't get the whole its same as cheating thing, though.  He isn't out taking time from you, spending money on someone else, etc.  He can "cheat" when you are not around, but the second you are around it must stop?  So you gave him permission to "cheat" sometimes. Do you not see how confusing that is?  Personally I think you are super controlling and insecure and feel the need to project your issues on to him to make yourself look and feel better.

If my husband felt the need to CONTROL my email, browsing, etc I would put him in his place and let him know I am an adult and have the right to make decisions as one.  I understand you want your husband to respect your every wish, but in doing that he would be losing himself.  You are going to push him away and you will not like it.  He isn't a child and you are not his mother.  For someone who says you make it possible for your husband to come to you any time - you are pretty narrow minded and inconsiderate of him.

[Sarah61086]

I understand how you feel. It makes you feel less attractive to them as a person if they need to look at porn.

However:
When i found out my other half was looking at porn, i didnt like it at all and was quite offended by it.I didnt know how to quite deal with it, so i confided in a male friend of mine.
He said to me " it's better that he looks at other people having sex, that going out there and doing it himself - him looking at porn is a good sign he will never cheat on you as he only looks and doesnt tocuh"

Also, many men like porn - men need visual aids when they masturbate, i think its just coded in their DNA.

I doenst appear that he is doing it deliberately to annoy you, it just appears he like something to look at while masturbating.

You have an issue here, as he likes to look at it and you dont like him to. He cant just do it your way, you need to compromise on the situation.

Granted he shouldnt lie, but the only reason he did lie is beacuse he didnt want to upset you.

Do not speak aboutt his with him - you snooping through his inbox will make him loose trust in you and just embarress him about the whole thing.
You cannot be mad at him for going behind your back regarding porn, when you have just gone behind his back looking through his email.

As far as i see it you have 3 choices:
accept he watches porn, and just let him get on with it if it makes him happy
ask him to give up to porn - to make you happy

or find mutual ground

Make your own porn videos, take pictures of yourselves together, cut out your heads from photos and stick them on to those in the magazines.

That way, he still gets his visual aids  - and gets to watch porn and you can feel more comfortable knowing he is masturbating watching you and him in action.

Good luck