Always a cheater?

[unknownorlando]

I recently moved from PA to Florida to go to college, one of the hardest decisions of my life as I left my family, friends and a loving girlfriend of five years who I intended to marry. We have always had what seemed to be the perfect relationship. We were very close with each other's families, we never fight or bicker, we were absolute best friends and could do anything together but could still have our individual time to hang out with our friends with no jealousy or any other drama. We had our entire life together planned and although we new it would be tough we were completely ready and comfortable with our relationship to make it work long distance for the two years we would be apart. Continuing my education is what I needed to do to be able to provide for her in the future, while she finished her schooling at a community college in our home town.  After all we wouldn't be apart for more than a month or two at a time. Her first trip down to FL to visit didnt go as smooth as we wanted, after she found some less than classy links and websites in my computers history. This really bothered her because she knew I was never the type look at porn and took it very personally thinking this was the type of woman I wanted to be with. I agreed it was very disrespectful to her, and tried to get her to realize the stresses of being away from someone I used to be with everyday and assured her I would never even consider being with someone else. On top of that ****** timing would have it that my buddy from home randomly texted a photo of his naked girlfriend while I was down at the gym working out and as luck would have it my girlfriend was the one recieve the text on my phone. Now mind you I was still in the process of digging myself out of my other hole, so this made all matters worse. Over the next week of her stay we made of for the most part, and everything seemed to be fine. This is where it gets sketchy..... continued on next post...  

[Richard Pomerance, Ph.D]

Dear Unk,

Well yes, you  really got “”clotheslined” here. Or 1-2 punched. It must be very confusing and painful. I'm sorry.

I think this is a multi-level, complex situation. So I'd like to address the various issues.

You seem to be relatively unaware of how volatile relationships can be. Your assumption seems to be that if you do all the right things, there will be peace. Unfortunately, "it ‘jes don’t work that way!" People are filled with all sorts  of needs and quirks, romantic, sexual, etc, and all sorts of needs to experiment with the world, early on, in their 20’s. I don't know how old you and the woman are, but I'd guess early to mid 20’s. That’s the time for all that.

I see from your personal medhelp page (abcess) that you were her first partner, and that for four years. If so, it's a virtual prescription for the kind of behavior you've experienced with her, her “cheating.” unfortunately, it comes with the territory. It's the norm. Most people, whatever they say, don't just accept the initial partner, given alternatives.

This brings up religion. Sorry about this, but religious training doesn't change our sexual and romantic and experience needs; it may modulate them, but in general all it does is to suppress them. You'll see the same behavior in young people and animals, virtually everywhere, and way back in history and pre-history. It's very probably hard-wired.

And by the way, no matter what the circumstances of the porn being on your computer, you might as well own the fact that you like porn just as much as the rest of the human race, male division. Like it or not, it's definitely hard-wired into the pleasure centers of our brains. Not a thing we can do about it!

Now, to the personal. Beyond these primate-centered generalizations (which I hope  will simply help you to see that you can't but struggle with all the developmental things we all do) there are the questions of underlying character and personality. For you both. Frankly, I don't think any of us can know the answers at this point. if I'm right about your ages, it will take  some experience and maturation on both your parts before these personal elements becomes clear. They're the psychological parts, and only tangentially related to the morality/ethics issues. And it looks like the two of you are at the beginning of understanding how you're really put together.

It may be that she just disappears on you. Or it may be that she experiments with other guys and returns to you. Or YOU may decide to get some more experience with other women (was she your first?) and see what happens. The two of you may wind up with each other at the end of the day, or leading entirely separate lives. It's a really open question.

So the issue of “cheating” is minor, or even moot. She may be totally irresponsible long term. But she could just as easily be a young woman trying to get a feel for the grownup world.

Bear in mind that no one can control the behavior, not to mention the true feelings, of anyone else, short of putting them under guard.

How to proceed: if it were me, I'd drop back in my trust, of course, but really open the process up, given the above. Let's see what she wants to do, and with whom, and for how long. And you too. Don't trust, and don't need to. Perhaps each of you need to take some time off and date other people. See what happens, and if relevant, TEST, over time.

And by the way, having her come back to you out of guilt over her “affair” is the WORST thing over time. If she's not ready, she’s not ready, and will constantly be primed for another lover.
And perhaps you will be, too.

If I'm right about your situation, the two of you are at the point of seeing the drastically expanded possibilities of life. Maybe you'll be there for each other long-term, maybe not. But you can't go back to the Garden.

Sincerely,

Dr. P.

[unknownorlando]

After the second month of being down here I got a call for her phone and it was some guy that she  worked with saying that he found my number on her phone and that she had been playing us both for the last couple weeks. I was shocked and absolutely mortified. Mortified that she was capable of keeping this hidden from me and didnt have the respect to break it off with me before persuing a relationship with some one new. While talking with her about this she was a wreck, she said she has never felt so unlike her self and could have never imagined hurting me so much.  Within the week she cought the soonest flight so we could try and figure things out. We are both very religious and I have never in my life met a more honest and genuine girl so this was very uncharacteristic and her regret was sincere. She said she had realized how big of a mistake she had made and she will spend her life making it up to me and gaining my trust back.  To make a long story just a little bit longer i excepted her apology and decided to give her another shot. Now that everything seems to be close to back to normal I feel almost worse about the situation.  I want to be able to trust her like I did but I find it hard and do not want to ever be a jealous boyfriend, but if the guy she was seeing would have never called me I would have never known that she was being unfaithful.  Is the saying once a cheater always a cheater pretty accurate?