Is it enough that I care, but not interested to have sexual relations?

[Pola120]

I am confused, and need to be enlightened on what decision is right. My question is, if, out of the sense of wanting to be fair, just and dutiful, that I decide to go back to my first husband (who is still hoping we could get back together and still professes loving me, specially for the sake of our 15-year old daughter in his custody, but honestly could not see the slightest hint that I could have physical intimacy with him, will the relationship and togetherness ever work out for both of us? What I really do feel for him is admiration, complete trust, respect and care- that he is the one who deserves to be loved by me for being constantly committed and devoted, despite what pains I have caused him (I left him and my daughter and lived with another man, and bore a child with the second man)? Can we have a satisfying relationship as husband and wife without sex relations? I feel that I have all the good caring and tender feelings for him, but none of the physical desire for him. Once he made attempts to invite me to do it again with him (when I separated from the livein partner). That was when I knew, I could not do it at all with him. Not to even kiss him- the thought of it just repels me. I would have wanted to be responsive to his attempts, but am just being honest in saying, (even if I wanted to be otherwise) I do not have any sexual feelings for him AT ALL.

[Richard Pomerance, Ph.D]

Dear Pola,

I'm not sure if wanting to be with your ex out of a desire to be “fair, just, and dutiful” is enough. Are you considering this move in order to get closer to your daughter, or out of dependency, or guilt for leaving in the first place? Admiring him, trusting him, etc are good things for friendship, but unless you're quite elderly, or there is some other particular circumstance, it doesn't strike me as enough to make a marriage. People need to be touched, sexually or otherwise.

That said, many people have marriages without sex; it's not everything, especially as people get older. You can indeed have a good relationship with him without sex (though see caveats above) but only if he signs on to the deal. If you ABSOLUTELY AND NEVER want him to touch even touch you, because he's so physically repellant, you'd better tell him that in the beginning. Otherwise, he'll get back with you on the assumption that eventually the two of you will again be intimate. And your relationship will fall apart once more.

I'd also ask exactly WHY you don't want to be touched by him. If it's a physical thing, tell him about it. If it's something else, I'd strongly suggest you home in on what it is, and understand it far better than you apparently do right now.

Sincerely,

Dr. P.

[Pola120]

Hi Dr. P.,
I truly appreciate your response and for taking time to read and respond. I am so grateful that this technology makes it possible to have an expert's view, while the distance is a world apart.
As well, your response, particularly your questions have opened me to areas I may have been blind to, or too confused to admit. THANK YOU SO MUCH, the views you shared have been very helpful, specially in my plans and expectations in the immediate future.
God bless you fro sharing your time and self to people crying out fro help.