Aa
help.
I had been talking with a male "friend" of mine for a long time. He's a surgical resident and is married to a women he met in med school. At first our discussions were purely innocent, but they began to change. In the beginning I didn't know about his wife, since he never brought her up, and I had assumed that he was single. We would talk a lot at the hospital where I volunteered and he worked. Then he'd call me on the phone at night and we'd talk for a while. Or I'd even text message him when I was in class bored or when ever. But then the discussions got to be more sexual and I became uncomfortable. Then after I found out he was married, I flipped out and stopped talking to him for a while. But after finding a lump in my breast, I turned to him. He was the first person I wanted to talk to about it. He wants to go into oncology as his specialty, so I know he's knowledgeable in the subject. Then we began the conversations again and the text messaging. The other day he told me he loved me. I know it's not right to be going after someone who is married, but I keep making excuses for why it's okay. I've been trying to limit my contact with him so that I can pull away and end our connection, but still have feelings for him. I've told him I don't want to keep doing this, but he doesn't want to end it and keeps calling and texting me. How do I end this and move on?
That is good then. The simplest way to avoid his calls and/or text messages is by changing your phone number all together. Good luck and stay strong.
I'm sorry your husband did that. Once I found out he was married, I no longer wanted to do this. Trust me, I DON"T want to be the other woman. He rarely talks about his wife and if I bring her up, he avoids the topic. I've learned more about his wife through his colleagues and know she's a nice lady and I wouldn't want to hurt her. They don't have kids right now, but I know he really wants kids. I have never slept with him and don't intend to. This was more of a deeper emotional connection than anything sexual. I went to him because we had already been through a lot with medical problems before, so when I had this cancer scare, he was the first one I turned to. I am trying to end contact with him, even though he has called repeatedly in the last few days. I love him, but I want him to stay with his wife.
Let me tell you how this goes. I am the woman who was the one betrayed in my relationship. My fiance had a long term affair with the woman he was with. Of course I'm sure he told her all about how miserable he was with me, how much of a nag I was, how many times we fought or never had sex. Does this sound familiar? Not one man who is looking to cheat on his spouse/SO will ever say how happy he is with the person he was with. Maybe they aren't happy but they are together and you shouldn't make it easier for him to hurt her. You have all the knowledge here, all the opportunities to make a good decision. She's the one in the dark, the one who is being lied to. Imagine being in her shoes for just once. Do they have kids together? In my case I was pregnant and we have our son. So this woman knew this and still tried to take my son's father from him. Of course, it's his responsibility to his wife but you should never come between a relationship. This is how it wound up, my fiance when he was caught, dumped her for his family. Got that, she wasted 2 years of her life on a man who in the end never left me. She spent her weekends mostly alone, she never met his friends, never met his family. Had to wait for times when he was available, didn't know if he could stick with plans because he may not be able to get away from us, wasn't able to spend the night with him. All those benefits you get from a relationship, she was unable to get because he was never hers to enjoy. Yeah it was fun for both, exciting because they were sneaking around, when they would see each other it was all fun and games, no real life things, no kids to interfere with sex, or not having to find a babysitter to go out. That's a ton of fun, carefree, no nagging, no money issues, no nothing on a real life level. Who wouldn't enjoy that? So here is how it could turn out for you, he could use you for as long as it feels good for him but when it comes time for him to choose you may be left hurt and disappointed with his decision. The longer you are invested in this, the harder it will be if he decides to stay with his wife. If he does choose you, you still have to deal with the repercussions and the confrontations from his wife. Plus, if they have kids, she will forever be part of his life. You also will have to wonder if he could cheat on her, perhaps he could repeat the same thing with you. What would make you more special than her? When the novelty of your new relationship wears off, it may not be the same thing neither of you had imagined it would be? You have to deal with his family and friends perhaps hating you for coming between him and his wife. So really think clearly on this one. Good luck.
MEDICAL PROFESSIONAL
Dear Blondiegurl,
Briefly, for the moment:
Oh yes it's hard to end it! Someone loving us is itself difficult to ignore. Add to that his attractiveness, PLUS the unresolved cancer question, and I understand why it feels impossible.
Nevertheless, if you stick around, you will indeed become the other woman. And the longer you wait, the more difficult it will be to leave. As a practical matter, maybe you'll want to wait until the test results come back. However, if you turn out to actually be ill, it will be even MORE difficult to say goodbye.
So it comes down to your strength at present. If you've got enough, get your team together, and make the break. If not, wait till after the diagnosis, and hope you haven't become so committed in your heart that you've lost your willpower entirely. If that happens, you could be waiting for him indefinitely.
That would be a waste, and very sad.
Sincerely,
Dr. P.
P.S. I’m certain you are attractive and smart, and could rather easily get the love you crave and deserve, elsewhere!
Thank you so much for the advice. I know it's probably best to end it, but he makes it pretty hard to do. I was trying to stay away and was going to end it tonight, but then he tells me he loves me and I backed down. He went on and on about how happy he is when he's around me. I just couldn't do that tonight after he had said that. Though I don't want to be the other woman. I don't know if there will ever be a good time to end it, but I'm hoping for one or for a time that makes it easier. As much as I want to say that I don't have feelings for him, I really have strong feelings for the man. I knew him before my cancer scare, which I'm still waiting for the results, and he's always been there. I'm just extremely torn. I love him, but I can't be the other woman.
I appreciate your advises.
Nazli
Nazli
MEDICAL PROFESSIONAL
Dear Blondiegurl,
Welcome to Tortureland. It's just like Disneyland, except you feel ripped apart and terrible, continually. Would you like the One Week Pass? How about the Whole Season Pass?
You've definitely arrived at the sign up desk!
Some of us have been there, all right. And we can tell you it's not a pleasant experience. For some similar stories, check out the ones on my website, smartrelationshipdecisions.com.
This man may be pulling you right down the hole with him. I don't like the fact that he's been seducing you under false pretences, i.e. forgetting to mention that he's married. I also don't like it that he's allowing himself to fall in love with you via your dependence on him due to your breast lump. If one has cancer, or even thinks one does, the oncologist is automatically nearly god-like, at least for a while.
Nevertheless, I well understand that these things happen. Love, or at least the experience of falling in love, can't be denied. If we're in, we're in, at least for the initial stage. But then there's the second stage. That's apparently where you are now.
I have a hunch that underneath the attractive exterior on the man, he's pretty unhappy, and that if you went with him you'd wind up the same. Imagine the havoc if you broke up his marriage. How much fun would the next couple of years be, even if your specific relationship actually worked over time?
You need to ask if you want to get in deeper. There are cases like this where the two people divorce their spouses, go for it, and live happily ever after. But unfortunately, such scenarios are few and far between.
If you choose to end it, you've got to do so firmly, with resolve, dedication, and support. Cold turkey is likely the only way. You'll need the help of the people who care about you, because the separation will be nearly as painful, short-term, as staying and carrying out the romance (long-term, I suspect it will be well worth it). You're going to need to have places to go, and people on whose shoulders you can cry. You may need to drink a bit more wine than you usually do. You'll need to do what you need to do, short of behaviors dangerous to yourself or others.
Here some other sad, nasty specifics. Unfortunately, if you choose to end the relationship, it's far better to do it quickly:
No more contact. That includes meetings, touching, texting, snail-mail, sky-writing, or any other form of communication.
2. Get other people for medical consultation, if you still need same.
3. Don't make your ending the relationship dependent on your not having feelings for him. You may have feelings for him all your life.
4. If necessary, tell him you'll date him, all right, but ONLY after he's been divorced from his wife for at least a year.
5. Remember, you'll have a thousand excuses for continuing with him. If your cortex decides it doesn't make sense, you'll have to ignore them all.
6. Distract yourself with other people. Don't be afraid of taking “transitional” lovers. Let them know in front. Rebound relationships maybe only that, but sometimes they're necessary.
7. Again, friends, friends, friends.
I'm sorry to not be able to offer any kind of elegant solution. But Mother Nature doesn't consider the good sense of relationships. She only wants to make the match, and doesn't care a whit if you're forced to live . . . you know where.
Sincerely,
Dr. P.
P.S. Feel free to reach me if there's more to discuss.
Welcome to Tortureland. It's just like Disneyland, except you feel ripped apart and terrible, continually. Would you like the One Week Pass? How about the Whole Season Pass?
You've definitely arrived at the sign up desk!
Some of us have been there, all right. And we can tell you it's not a pleasant experience. For some similar stories, check out the ones on my website, smartrelationshipdecisions.com.
This man may be pulling you right down the hole with him. I don't like the fact that he's been seducing you under false pretences, i.e. forgetting to mention that he's married. I also don't like it that he's allowing himself to fall in love with you via your dependence on him due to your breast lump. If one has cancer, or even thinks one does, the oncologist is automatically nearly god-like, at least for a while.
Nevertheless, I well understand that these things happen. Love, or at least the experience of falling in love, can't be denied. If we're in, we're in, at least for the initial stage. But then there's the second stage. That's apparently where you are now.
I have a hunch that underneath the attractive exterior on the man, he's pretty unhappy, and that if you went with him you'd wind up the same. Imagine the havoc if you broke up his marriage. How much fun would the next couple of years be, even if your specific relationship actually worked over time?
You need to ask if you want to get in deeper. There are cases like this where the two people divorce their spouses, go for it, and live happily ever after. But unfortunately, such scenarios are few and far between.
If you choose to end it, you've got to do so firmly, with resolve, dedication, and support. Cold turkey is likely the only way. You'll need the help of the people who care about you, because the separation will be nearly as painful, short-term, as staying and carrying out the romance (long-term, I suspect it will be well worth it). You're going to need to have places to go, and people on whose shoulders you can cry. You may need to drink a bit more wine than you usually do. You'll need to do what you need to do, short of behaviors dangerous to yourself or others.
Here some other sad, nasty specifics. Unfortunately, if you choose to end the relationship, it's far better to do it quickly:
No more contact. That includes meetings, touching, texting, snail-mail, sky-writing, or any other form of communication.
2. Get other people for medical consultation, if you still need same.
3. Don't make your ending the relationship dependent on your not having feelings for him. You may have feelings for him all your life.
4. If necessary, tell him you'll date him, all right, but ONLY after he's been divorced from his wife for at least a year.
5. Remember, you'll have a thousand excuses for continuing with him. If your cortex decides it doesn't make sense, you'll have to ignore them all.
6. Distract yourself with other people. Don't be afraid of taking “transitional” lovers. Let them know in front. Rebound relationships maybe only that, but sometimes they're necessary.
7. Again, friends, friends, friends.
I'm sorry to not be able to offer any kind of elegant solution. But Mother Nature doesn't consider the good sense of relationships. She only wants to make the match, and doesn't care a whit if you're forced to live . . . you know where.
Sincerely,
Dr. P.
P.S. Feel free to reach me if there's more to discuss.
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