Aa
sexless marriage to an alchoholic husband
im 23 years old. Ive been with my husband for 5 years since i was 18... he is 18 years my senior. Our age is not an issue in our relationship, i am an extremely mature and educated 23 year old, and have always been treated as an equal even with our mutual friends and family. The beginning of our relationship was hot and heavy as all relationships generally are.. by month 8 we decided to get our own place and move in with eachother, which is where the problems began. slowly as each month went on our sex life started to diminish... once a week, then twice a month, than once a month, then once every three month, and so on. this has always been the one and only problem in our relationship. he is a fantastic person, and we would have the 5 star relationship if it werent for just this one thing... which is quite frankly a deal breaker in all marriages. since being married 2 years ago, we did not consumate our marriage until 6 months into it, and that was the last time its happened. i know he has a problem with erectile dysfunction (although he refuses to fully admit to it), and he always tells me its just stress. i know 110% that my husband is not having an affair on me (definetely sleuthed into that one).
MEDICAL PROFESSIONAL
Dear MrsJane,
I know you want to save your marriage, but it’s an open question whether that will be possible. The answer boils down to whether your husband is willing to deal straight. Or capable of doing so. Your emails are notable for defending your husband, and then telling me that he is quite troubled and acts quite badly toward you.
He obviously needs to address the sexual issue, which is very probably treatable. Unclear what the drinking is about. In sum, we just don’t know how badly screwed up he is. He could from your description be anything from an immature guy with an erectile dysfunction problem who tends to drink too much in reaction, through a severe alcoholic with rage issues as well, all the way to a multiple axis serious personality/affective disorder with the above issues but also with a bi-polar disorder or other longstanding and difficult mental illnesses. I can’t call it.
The important question is whether he will seek help, because no matter the diagnoses, his behavior and demeanour are unacceptable. If he will understand he has problems, and not just pay lip service or otherwise sleaze out of responsibility to deal with them, all things are possible. If not, you’ll soon be well on the way to DESTROYING YOUR LIFE. And the idea of having a child under these circumstances, and at your age, strikes me as completely bananas. Would YOU want to be a child growing up in this situation, assuming things either don’t change or get worse (a real possibility from what you’ve told me so far)? Me neither!
You’re still young, and I doubt very much that you’ve permanently lost your attractiveness, looks, and vitality. You’ve obviously been under enormous stress, so no wonder it shows short-term. It’s also notable how “cowed” you are right now, bending to his will, and perhaps that of the parents. What is this mandate that you must have children right now, and that you can’t go get the help you obviously need from a local therapist or counselor? That kind of thing must stop, or you’ll go right down the drain. You sound more like a hostage than an independent woman or wife. You need help right now, and lots of it. It’s ok, we’ve all been there.
Note also the age imbalance. What’s with that? Was it, as a friend of mine says, “a daddy thing?” If so, you’ll need to understand it far better than you do now. It seems attractive at first, but as time goes on, as you’re seeing, it creates a host of problems. There’s the sex issue, but I wonder whether the most important thing isn’t the control he has over you, presumably by his money, power, experience. Makes me wonder: as an actress/model, are you what’s called a “trophy wife?” If so, remember that your kind of story is repeated weekly, in tabloids world-wide. It’s always the same scenario.
Also PLEASE call “time” on the baby creation. Is there someone you’re trying to please with the baby? You mention the pressure from both sides, presumably both sets of parents. I hear this, but you’ve got to resist it. Maybe let the “both sides” know you’re having problems. And if hubby says he’ll get mad if you let anyone know, tell him you’ll keep things private if he takes care of business on the various marital fronts.
A CHILD WON’T HELP, except as a distraction for you personally, and of course someone to love. Imagine your husband is like this and you have an infant. Like what you imagine? And there will be at least as much extra complication and stress for you individually, once the maternal hormones have diminished. Don’t believe this? Take a look at the GOOD-marriage mothers of 1-5 year olds. And also remember there’s a reasonably high probability that you’ll be the mother of a small child at the same time you’re looking for a relationship a few years down the road. That only complicates matters.
I’m NOT suggesting you give up on your marriage at this point. But I AM suggesting that you (in order) gather your team, make a plan, see it through, analyze the results coldly, and if things don’t change significantly, STRONGLY CONSIDER departing. First, you ABSOLUTELY need an experienced, tough, smart counselor/therapist. I don’t care if you have to get the money from begging at a subway entrance. DO IT. Also, build a support team of anyone close to you who is able and willing, e.g. family members, friends, etc. Then work toward not a screaming demand of your husband that he modify his behavior but a cool conversation to the effect that things have to be different, and that otherwise the marriage can’t be sustained. Offer to help in any way possible, but say, ultimately, that DENIAL is the only non-negotiable. Take it from there. Sometimes, when a woman has her ducks in a row this way, the man will realize that he has to deal straight or he’ll lose her. Though remember that many men only pretend to “get it.” Once victory is declared and change is assumed, he may simply go back to his old ways. Check out Eric Clapton’s autobiography for one such fascinating and sad story.
In the worst case, you’ll have to leave. You’ll be 24 or so, still beautiful after some rest, and fully able to move on. You talk about the dating cesspool, but it’s obvious that you’ll be fine if you choose wisely, and limit yourself to people who mirror the best in you. You’ll have to check this last item, because we all have blind spots that lead us to bad choices. For more on this see my wordy but still useful website at smartrelationshipdecisions.com.
You should have great love and great sex, and further, a great relationship with a man worthy of you. One way or another, it’s time to grow up and go for it.
Sincerely,
Dr. P.
P.S. Feel free to get back to me if it would be useful.
I know you want to save your marriage, but it’s an open question whether that will be possible. The answer boils down to whether your husband is willing to deal straight. Or capable of doing so. Your emails are notable for defending your husband, and then telling me that he is quite troubled and acts quite badly toward you.
He obviously needs to address the sexual issue, which is very probably treatable. Unclear what the drinking is about. In sum, we just don’t know how badly screwed up he is. He could from your description be anything from an immature guy with an erectile dysfunction problem who tends to drink too much in reaction, through a severe alcoholic with rage issues as well, all the way to a multiple axis serious personality/affective disorder with the above issues but also with a bi-polar disorder or other longstanding and difficult mental illnesses. I can’t call it.
The important question is whether he will seek help, because no matter the diagnoses, his behavior and demeanour are unacceptable. If he will understand he has problems, and not just pay lip service or otherwise sleaze out of responsibility to deal with them, all things are possible. If not, you’ll soon be well on the way to DESTROYING YOUR LIFE. And the idea of having a child under these circumstances, and at your age, strikes me as completely bananas. Would YOU want to be a child growing up in this situation, assuming things either don’t change or get worse (a real possibility from what you’ve told me so far)? Me neither!
You’re still young, and I doubt very much that you’ve permanently lost your attractiveness, looks, and vitality. You’ve obviously been under enormous stress, so no wonder it shows short-term. It’s also notable how “cowed” you are right now, bending to his will, and perhaps that of the parents. What is this mandate that you must have children right now, and that you can’t go get the help you obviously need from a local therapist or counselor? That kind of thing must stop, or you’ll go right down the drain. You sound more like a hostage than an independent woman or wife. You need help right now, and lots of it. It’s ok, we’ve all been there.
Note also the age imbalance. What’s with that? Was it, as a friend of mine says, “a daddy thing?” If so, you’ll need to understand it far better than you do now. It seems attractive at first, but as time goes on, as you’re seeing, it creates a host of problems. There’s the sex issue, but I wonder whether the most important thing isn’t the control he has over you, presumably by his money, power, experience. Makes me wonder: as an actress/model, are you what’s called a “trophy wife?” If so, remember that your kind of story is repeated weekly, in tabloids world-wide. It’s always the same scenario.
Also PLEASE call “time” on the baby creation. Is there someone you’re trying to please with the baby? You mention the pressure from both sides, presumably both sets of parents. I hear this, but you’ve got to resist it. Maybe let the “both sides” know you’re having problems. And if hubby says he’ll get mad if you let anyone know, tell him you’ll keep things private if he takes care of business on the various marital fronts.
A CHILD WON’T HELP, except as a distraction for you personally, and of course someone to love. Imagine your husband is like this and you have an infant. Like what you imagine? And there will be at least as much extra complication and stress for you individually, once the maternal hormones have diminished. Don’t believe this? Take a look at the GOOD-marriage mothers of 1-5 year olds. And also remember there’s a reasonably high probability that you’ll be the mother of a small child at the same time you’re looking for a relationship a few years down the road. That only complicates matters.
I’m NOT suggesting you give up on your marriage at this point. But I AM suggesting that you (in order) gather your team, make a plan, see it through, analyze the results coldly, and if things don’t change significantly, STRONGLY CONSIDER departing. First, you ABSOLUTELY need an experienced, tough, smart counselor/therapist. I don’t care if you have to get the money from begging at a subway entrance. DO IT. Also, build a support team of anyone close to you who is able and willing, e.g. family members, friends, etc. Then work toward not a screaming demand of your husband that he modify his behavior but a cool conversation to the effect that things have to be different, and that otherwise the marriage can’t be sustained. Offer to help in any way possible, but say, ultimately, that DENIAL is the only non-negotiable. Take it from there. Sometimes, when a woman has her ducks in a row this way, the man will realize that he has to deal straight or he’ll lose her. Though remember that many men only pretend to “get it.” Once victory is declared and change is assumed, he may simply go back to his old ways. Check out Eric Clapton’s autobiography for one such fascinating and sad story.
In the worst case, you’ll have to leave. You’ll be 24 or so, still beautiful after some rest, and fully able to move on. You talk about the dating cesspool, but it’s obvious that you’ll be fine if you choose wisely, and limit yourself to people who mirror the best in you. You’ll have to check this last item, because we all have blind spots that lead us to bad choices. For more on this see my wordy but still useful website at smartrelationshipdecisions.com.
You should have great love and great sex, and further, a great relationship with a man worthy of you. One way or another, it’s time to grow up and go for it.
Sincerely,
Dr. P.
P.S. Feel free to get back to me if it would be useful.
Dear MrsJane,
I’m delighted that you seem to have taken in what I wrote. I told it like it is, and it can’t have been easy to hear. Indeed it appears probable that the issues are serious, unless you grossly distorted or overstated the situation.
And I’m VERY happy that you’re calling “time” on the child creation for the moment. Best for the child, best for you.
As far as telling him that you're ending the fertility treatments is concerned, remind him that major discord between the two of you is no situation to bring a child into, and that it's a moral issue for you, and that you have no intention of having a lifetime of guilt about this, and possibly about creating emotional illnesses of various sorts in the child, if things don't work out. So the business between the two of you has to come NOW, not after the fact.
If he gets nuts or nasty when you tell him these things, and won't go to counseling with you to discuss the issues, well, I guess you'll have your answer. . .
Frankly, I'm also concerned that you might come from a background where this kind of behaviour was the norm, and so you might see it as business as usual between husband and wife. It isn't!
So the issue is how/whether you'll be implementing the kinds of things discussed in my long email. I’m afraid you’ll forget about them, let it all slide, and not move down the road, as mentioned.
Honestly, I think you need more help, support, strategic planning, etc. than can be accomplished in an occasional message. You need a real dialogue and ongoing support. So let me suggest a few alternatives.
1. Find a good professional psychologist or counselor of whatever stripe in your area. I don’t know where you are (England?) but wherever your home, there must be good people there at this point. To succumb to your husband’s mandate that you seek no outside personal counsel is the mark of a controller, and can be very destructive. Abusers often act this way (I’m not saying your husband necessarily is one in a frank sense). Note that such is how political prisoners are often treated.
2. Find someone else to talk with, and use for support and counsel, a non-pro. Trouble is, you said in an email that there was no such person in your life. But maybe on reflection you’ll see there really is someone.
3. Reach me via email from my website, smartrelationshipdecisions.com, and we’ll discuss the matter further.
There's always a way to get what you need.
The absolute WORST thing would be if you let go the reins on this. Please don’t! This horse could run away with your life!
Cordially,
Dr. P.
I’m delighted that you seem to have taken in what I wrote. I told it like it is, and it can’t have been easy to hear. Indeed it appears probable that the issues are serious, unless you grossly distorted or overstated the situation.
And I’m VERY happy that you’re calling “time” on the child creation for the moment. Best for the child, best for you.
As far as telling him that you're ending the fertility treatments is concerned, remind him that major discord between the two of you is no situation to bring a child into, and that it's a moral issue for you, and that you have no intention of having a lifetime of guilt about this, and possibly about creating emotional illnesses of various sorts in the child, if things don't work out. So the business between the two of you has to come NOW, not after the fact.
If he gets nuts or nasty when you tell him these things, and won't go to counseling with you to discuss the issues, well, I guess you'll have your answer. . .
Frankly, I'm also concerned that you might come from a background where this kind of behaviour was the norm, and so you might see it as business as usual between husband and wife. It isn't!
So the issue is how/whether you'll be implementing the kinds of things discussed in my long email. I’m afraid you’ll forget about them, let it all slide, and not move down the road, as mentioned.
Honestly, I think you need more help, support, strategic planning, etc. than can be accomplished in an occasional message. You need a real dialogue and ongoing support. So let me suggest a few alternatives.
1. Find a good professional psychologist or counselor of whatever stripe in your area. I don’t know where you are (England?) but wherever your home, there must be good people there at this point. To succumb to your husband’s mandate that you seek no outside personal counsel is the mark of a controller, and can be very destructive. Abusers often act this way (I’m not saying your husband necessarily is one in a frank sense). Note that such is how political prisoners are often treated.
2. Find someone else to talk with, and use for support and counsel, a non-pro. Trouble is, you said in an email that there was no such person in your life. But maybe on reflection you’ll see there really is someone.
3. Reach me via email from my website, smartrelationshipdecisions.com, and we’ll discuss the matter further.
There's always a way to get what you need.
The absolute WORST thing would be if you let go the reins on this. Please don’t! This horse could run away with your life!
Cordially,
Dr. P.
i thank you for your input Dr.P, and i will strongly consider what youve laid out there for me. i knew for the last few months that bringing a child into the world together is probably not the right thing... its going to be tough and quite frankly frightening to try to talk to him about this, starting with ending fertility treatments. would i be able to msg you in the future. i really dont have any for support here, nor do i have any family in my city.
Dr.P
This was definetly a lot to take in, because you really got the situation bang on. I personally dont feel like my situation is as bad as it is, but all on-lookers, and those who knew me pre-dating, all see a horrible problem. even his own parents, friends and family are telling me to leave him, which i dont fully understand. I had an ex co-worker male bestfriend over the past summer who made me realize there was a prob
This was definetly a lot to take in, because you really got the situation bang on. I personally dont feel like my situation is as bad as it is, but all on-lookers, and those who knew me pre-dating, all see a horrible problem. even his own parents, friends and family are telling me to leave him, which i dont fully understand. I had an ex co-worker male bestfriend over the past summer who made me realize there was a prob
this is supposed to be a happy time, and have thus far being unsuccessful. I think whats killing me inside is that instead of trying to have children naturally, i have to spend hundreds of thousands of dollars to have him jerk in a cup and someone put it in me because my husband refuses to sleep with me. this is the root of my self esteem problems. And even though i want a child more than youll ever know, i cant help but feel sick about how we are going about to make this child... i know that at only 23 years old, i cant live the rest of my life in a sexless marriage, and somedays i believe that im worth so much more than this, and deserve someone who genuinely wants to be with me, but i do not want to jump into the singles cesspool, because i always say there is always worse out there. I was a successful, on my way up, actress/model, i had the world at my finger tips, was borderline independantly wealthy at just 18, and i gave it all up for love... and if you saw me now...you wouldnt recongnize me from that young vivacious girl i once was.
i honestly have zero friends therefore i have no one to talk to about this, and i wouldnt dare go to a counsellor for fear that hed find out. i do love my husband fully, but this situation, as happy of a face i put on, is eating me up inside.
i desperately need someone to give me some answers of some steps to take. i refuse to give up on my marriage, but its on the road to disaster. please help
i honestly have zero friends therefore i have no one to talk to about this, and i wouldnt dare go to a counsellor for fear that hed find out. i do love my husband fully, but this situation, as happy of a face i put on, is eating me up inside.
i desperately need someone to give me some answers of some steps to take. i refuse to give up on my marriage, but its on the road to disaster. please help
Although heres where my other problem lies, he is an alchoholic. this last 8 months hes left me at home alone to run out to the local pub every single day, he is in real estate and it is true that all the agents and business men meet at this particular pub on a daily basis, but as many of them only have a cocktail or 2... my husband will have 20, and run up tabs so high ($200-$500) on a daily basis, that he makes a fool of himself and loses clients, business and reputation while im sitting at home begging for him to leave and spend time with me... he then continues the night by driving home fully hammered out of his gills. By the time he gets home which is usually after 11pm midnight sometimes later, he demands supper and keeps me up all night while hes throwing up in bed, on me, in the bathroom, whereever.I am an extremely strong woman, and you better believe that ive confronted him about his drinking and behaviour... which leads to an apocolyptic argument, where somehow the conversation always ends in tears with me being the horrible wife, there is absolutely no reasoning with him, and he has a horrible temper that does scare me at times. to make matters even that much more complicated... we have all the pressure from both sides to have children now (which is why we married so soon, as i have serious fertility issues), therefore ive been spending my money every month to get an IUI done, which includes a week of blood tests, ive changed my lifestyle completely around (i quit drinking/ smoking, healthy meals, exercise ect) to be as fertilie as possible, and somehow i expected him to follow suit.
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