Aa
It's A Battle I Don't Think I'm Meant To Win
I'm fighting a war for my health, to get my life back, but I don't know who the enemy is. And every day I keep switching sides. Is it mental? Is it physical? It is so hard having some doctors telling you that "This is all in your head. Push through it.", as I crawl on the floor of the ward back to my room with a nurse holding biscuits as an "incentive". And then have other doctors say that the tumour is suspiciously placed in the motor/speech area and the abnormal EEG would suggest a physical cause for any previous psychiatric symptoms.
So on any particular day you may find me adamant that I'm not crazy, and discussing the tumour, circulation and paralysis issues with my Dad; or defeated by the system, that maybe the mental faction must be right; to completely wanting to revolutionise the medical system and remove the redundancies that I see in the system and streamline it to increase the efficiency and save lives; then not wanting anyone to be anywhere near me in case I snap and yell at them or hold a knife in their general direction again; or the next day I am planning a future where I am studying an MBBS while learning karate and volunteering for the SES.
In terms of the medical system in Australia, I feel like I’m in one of those hedge mazes. I know what I would like to achieve by getting out; my dreams, my life back, to live again. But right now I’m in the middle of the maze, and there are all these other people (some that I don’t even know) that are controlling the hedges creating doorways or closing them, and right now all I see are dead-ends.
But it needs to benefit them to change the doorway, be worth their while, either that or they need to care, which is quite rare, but not extinct. But more than that, they need to know I exist and have the time to consider my case.
Right now though, I am my own worst enemy for the battle for my health, because if I believe that it is conversion disorder, then I am not going to fight. I will become a conscientious objector for the fight for my own well being and do what some doctors recommend: "wait and see" and do nothing.
It shouldn't be up to me to choose.
I'm just a little worried. What if I chose the wrong side?
So on any particular day you may find me adamant that I'm not crazy, and discussing the tumour, circulation and paralysis issues with my Dad; or defeated by the system, that maybe the mental faction must be right; to completely wanting to revolutionise the medical system and remove the redundancies that I see in the system and streamline it to increase the efficiency and save lives; then not wanting anyone to be anywhere near me in case I snap and yell at them or hold a knife in their general direction again; or the next day I am planning a future where I am studying an MBBS while learning karate and volunteering for the SES.
In terms of the medical system in Australia, I feel like I’m in one of those hedge mazes. I know what I would like to achieve by getting out; my dreams, my life back, to live again. But right now I’m in the middle of the maze, and there are all these other people (some that I don’t even know) that are controlling the hedges creating doorways or closing them, and right now all I see are dead-ends.
But it needs to benefit them to change the doorway, be worth their while, either that or they need to care, which is quite rare, but not extinct. But more than that, they need to know I exist and have the time to consider my case.
Right now though, I am my own worst enemy for the battle for my health, because if I believe that it is conversion disorder, then I am not going to fight. I will become a conscientious objector for the fight for my own well being and do what some doctors recommend: "wait and see" and do nothing.
It shouldn't be up to me to choose.
I'm just a little worried. What if I chose the wrong side?
I'm seeing a new locum psychiatrist in my local area so I don't have to travel 8 hours to Sydney. Travel really f**ks me up. Even though I have been seeing my psychiatrist in Sydney since 2005.
Unfortunately both arguments have merit. I can see that.
Having seen a psychiatrist for paranoia probably hasn't helped my case.
As for a psychological trauma, you could ask anyone on the street and you would be able to find something in their past to be able to pin a break down on. I've lived 28 years, and in those years I've had plenty of moments, both good and bad. If I didn't I would be bubblewrap. It's called life.
Admittedly though even the neurologist who is claiming a physical cause lately has no idea what the cause is and has made an appointment for 4 months and referred me on to the one and only tilt table in the whole of Australia apparently which has a four month waiting list.
The neurologist and psychiatrist seem to change their minds more frequently than I do. Yet no one actually wants to admit me into a hospital and treat me or get to the bottom of it.
I think that it is irresponsible and wasteful to continue my search for a physical cause for my symptoms, if it is indeed psychological. But trying to prove this is not psychological is like trying to prove that God does not exist.
Unfortunately both arguments have merit. I can see that.
Having seen a psychiatrist for paranoia probably hasn't helped my case.
As for a psychological trauma, you could ask anyone on the street and you would be able to find something in their past to be able to pin a break down on. I've lived 28 years, and in those years I've had plenty of moments, both good and bad. If I didn't I would be bubblewrap. It's called life.
Admittedly though even the neurologist who is claiming a physical cause lately has no idea what the cause is and has made an appointment for 4 months and referred me on to the one and only tilt table in the whole of Australia apparently which has a four month waiting list.
The neurologist and psychiatrist seem to change their minds more frequently than I do. Yet no one actually wants to admit me into a hospital and treat me or get to the bottom of it.
I think that it is irresponsible and wasteful to continue my search for a physical cause for my symptoms, if it is indeed psychological. But trying to prove this is not psychological is like trying to prove that God does not exist.
dear flutterby8244,
thank you for sharing some of your story with us. i wanted to point you in the direction of an excellent discussion of conversion disorder drafted by one of our moderators that will hopefully inspire you:
http://www.medhelp.org/health_pages/Multiple-Sclerosis/So-they-think-youve-got-conversion-disorder/show/1137?cid=36
be sure to read both parts.
blessings to you. we are all on this journey with you.
binx
thank you for sharing some of your story with us. i wanted to point you in the direction of an excellent discussion of conversion disorder drafted by one of our moderators that will hopefully inspire you:
http://www.medhelp.org/health_pages/Multiple-Sclerosis/So-they-think-youve-got-conversion-disorder/show/1137?cid=36
be sure to read both parts.
blessings to you. we are all on this journey with you.
binx
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