Husband infidelity

[vikinggirl]

My husband and I have been married for 10 years.   I recently found out he has been emailing and calling an old girlfriend, who just broke up with her second husband.  My husband and I have always had a good relationship, we work together, established a successful business, sex life is actually quite good, etc. Although he says that he loves me and values what we have together, that he also is 'in love' with this other woman, and has been since they last dated when they were 16.  I love him so much and do not want to lose him. He has refused marriage counseling, stating that everything is 'fine' and that there is nothing to be fixed between us.  Obviously something is wrong, or he wouldn't stray.  I vary from despair to anger, can't sleep or eat, and feel like I go around acting like a zombie. The hardest is putting on a good face during the day, since we work in the same office.  Now he has told me that he 'has to see her' and dissappears on weekends. Call me a doormat for tolerating this behavior, but I want to save our marriage. However, I feel like I am the only one working towards that goal.  Am I just deluding myself that things will work out?  That he'll get this other woman out of his system and come back to me?

[vikinggirl]

Thank you for your advice, I have also thought this was mid-life related. I just don't know if he will come to his senses or if I will lose mine entirely.  This is very tough but I appreciate this forum to vent.

[Janice M Epp, PhD]

Hi.

I'm so sorry that you're going through this. It does indeed sound like you're the only one concerned about your marriage. In fact, it sounds like you're in it alone.

I encourage you to Google "mid-life crisis," because it's possible that's what's happening to your husband. The potential problem with waiting for him to come to his senses (assuming that he does) is that when that happens, what will you be left with? Resentment and lots of anger. And let's not fool ourselves into thinking that you can just stuff all that hurt. It doesn't go away just because you want it to. So if you two stay together, you're looking at lots of complications.

What you need right now is support. Support from friends and family and support from a counselor. You need to vent, grieve, decide what's best for you and get on with your life. Best of luck to you. Dr. J

[vikinggirl]

Thank you for your sympathy. There are no children in either marriage. I have never minded working together since luckily we are in charge of different departments.  I know that my husband has been burned out lately at work, and encouraged him to take a vacation. This seemed to help somewhat, him taking a break, and things seemed better for a while.  I just never believed he would put our home, business and total of 12 years together in jeopardy.  I always thought that he was one of 'the good guys' and seemed steadfast and loyal.  THis has completely thrown me for a loop, and I guess what hurts the most is how quickly he seemed to discard everything we have together.  Thanks for listening, I am going to keep trying but I feel you are right in that 'I can't compete".  I am the ball and chain of work, household chores and daily drudgery, while she is freedom and being 16 again.

[Fuzzz]

I'm sorry you're going through this.  I don't really know what you can do, but he is only thinking about her and not you.  You're right; it's only you working on your marriage, and what she is offering is impossible to compete with.  The problem is not you - it's him, and it sounds like this is a temptation he has no desire to resist.  Best case scenario would be that she has enough baggage that the relationship becomes work, but it could go the other way, too.  Working together is something I've never had to do with my husband, but I would imagine it would be even harder to keep the relationship interesting when that much time is spent together.  If there are no kids from either marriage to complicate things and no other big complications, I'd suspect he's going to do whatever feels good, even if it's selfish and he knows it's wrong.  It's just my feeling from what you wrote, and I am sorry you are going through this.