Aa
No climax?
I've been sexually active and... ambitious for about five years now. I've had a few serious relationships with men I had no problem communicating with and the sex was GREAT! To this day, though, I've only climaxed once and I'm not even sure it was a "complete" release. I've almost gotten there with my most recent boyfriend that I've been with for almost a year, but it never quite happens. I've learned to just enjoy sex without release but it's beginning to get frustrating. I'm very much in love with him and we've even tried a vibrator during sex and in foreplay.. Still, nothing. Through masturbation I can just almost get there.. But it becomes uncomfortable. I've tried focusing on telling myself that I will orgasm, or that it's okay to.. But it still never works.
Is there something wrong with me?
Is there something wrong with me?
MEDICAL PROFESSIONAL
Hi.
If you read many of the earlier posts from women, you’ll discover that many have asked me the same question, so realize you’re not alone. The clitoris’ nature and structure has been misunderstood for so long that it’s not surprising that there’s so much confusion.
A major difference between women and men is that generally, the clitoris needs constant direct or indirect stimulation, unlike the penis. The clitoris is our primary sex organ--not the vagina--and consists of the glans (or head), the hood which covers the glans, and the shaft. For most women, orgasm results from a constant circular motion around the shaft and on either side of the glans. Also important is that once a woman’s orgasm begins, if the stimulation is removed, the orgasm will end. In contrast, once men have that first orgasmic contraction, not even a neutron bomb will stop their orgasm! Orgasm is characterized by a series of pleasurable, involuntary contractions in and around the vulva (clitoris, vagina and inner/outer lips). Most women have between 5 and 8 contractions per orgasm.
While many women enjoy p-v sex, for at least 40-50% of them, it usually doesn’t result in orgasm. Why? Because most p-v sex doesn’t provide the steady pressure and reliable stimulation women need for orgasm. During p-v sex, most men use an “in-out” motion that feels great for them, instead of the circular grinding motion that will stimulate the clitoris. So how about trading off once in awhile? Him first; then you—or vice-versa?
Let's also remember that orgasm lasts, what? About 10 seconds? It's important to keep this in perspective. Sex can be about a lot more than just orgasm. It's about pleasure, and sharing, and intimacy, etc.
Of course, once you put pressure on yourself to orgasm, it can become a duty rather than a pleasure. Some people become so orgasm-focused that sex becomes downright predictable, especially in long-term relationships. However, if you and your partner are flexible and experimental, you’ll both have smiles on your faces as the years go by.
It’s important for women to learn about their own orgasmic response before sharing it with a partner, and this takes time and practice. The best way to find out what you like is to experiment when you’re alone. Check out the area around your clitoris first. Be sure to use some lubrication and gently touch around the top and sides to find out what feels good. You may need to do this many times before you get comfortable and used to the intensity. Find the sensitive spots that feel good. The best part of this learning experience is that it’s fun!
Once you understand your own body’s responses, then you can begin to share them with a partner—even more fun! If you'd like to experiment with some positions which can maximize clitoral stimulation, here are some to try:
• Woman on top, where you can control both the angle and depth
Woman sitting on top, where either you or your partner can stimulate your clitoris
• “Scissors”: Side-by-side facing each other, with one of his legs between yours
• Rear entry (man behind), where he can also manually stimulate your clitoris, or you can stimulate yourself.
For maximum clitoral stimulation, your partner should NOT go in and out, but rather should use a grinding motion or, if possible, just stay still, pressing firmly inside you while letting you do the moving around him.
One last important point: Lack of lubrication can irritate your delicate skin, so be sure you’re very aroused and wet before having p-v sex. If you don’t produce enough lubrication, there are lots of good lubes available, so check them out. You want one that has no alcohol or perfume (alcohol irritates those delicate membranes).
Be patient. It takes time to learn and to build up trust, but if you do this now, you’ll be setting yourself up for yummy sex for the rest of your life. I highly recommend the book, "For Yourself: The Fulfillment of Female Sexuality," by Lonnie Barbach. It's widely available in paperback, and is a step-by-step program for learning about your own sexual response. In addition, it contains lots of sharing by women about their own personal journeys of sexual self-discovery. I think it will help you immensely. Good luck! Dr. J
If you read many of the earlier posts from women, you’ll discover that many have asked me the same question, so realize you’re not alone. The clitoris’ nature and structure has been misunderstood for so long that it’s not surprising that there’s so much confusion.
A major difference between women and men is that generally, the clitoris needs constant direct or indirect stimulation, unlike the penis. The clitoris is our primary sex organ--not the vagina--and consists of the glans (or head), the hood which covers the glans, and the shaft. For most women, orgasm results from a constant circular motion around the shaft and on either side of the glans. Also important is that once a woman’s orgasm begins, if the stimulation is removed, the orgasm will end. In contrast, once men have that first orgasmic contraction, not even a neutron bomb will stop their orgasm! Orgasm is characterized by a series of pleasurable, involuntary contractions in and around the vulva (clitoris, vagina and inner/outer lips). Most women have between 5 and 8 contractions per orgasm.
While many women enjoy p-v sex, for at least 40-50% of them, it usually doesn’t result in orgasm. Why? Because most p-v sex doesn’t provide the steady pressure and reliable stimulation women need for orgasm. During p-v sex, most men use an “in-out” motion that feels great for them, instead of the circular grinding motion that will stimulate the clitoris. So how about trading off once in awhile? Him first; then you—or vice-versa?
Let's also remember that orgasm lasts, what? About 10 seconds? It's important to keep this in perspective. Sex can be about a lot more than just orgasm. It's about pleasure, and sharing, and intimacy, etc.
Of course, once you put pressure on yourself to orgasm, it can become a duty rather than a pleasure. Some people become so orgasm-focused that sex becomes downright predictable, especially in long-term relationships. However, if you and your partner are flexible and experimental, you’ll both have smiles on your faces as the years go by.
It’s important for women to learn about their own orgasmic response before sharing it with a partner, and this takes time and practice. The best way to find out what you like is to experiment when you’re alone. Check out the area around your clitoris first. Be sure to use some lubrication and gently touch around the top and sides to find out what feels good. You may need to do this many times before you get comfortable and used to the intensity. Find the sensitive spots that feel good. The best part of this learning experience is that it’s fun!
Once you understand your own body’s responses, then you can begin to share them with a partner—even more fun! If you'd like to experiment with some positions which can maximize clitoral stimulation, here are some to try:
• Woman on top, where you can control both the angle and depth
Woman sitting on top, where either you or your partner can stimulate your clitoris
• “Scissors”: Side-by-side facing each other, with one of his legs between yours
• Rear entry (man behind), where he can also manually stimulate your clitoris, or you can stimulate yourself.
For maximum clitoral stimulation, your partner should NOT go in and out, but rather should use a grinding motion or, if possible, just stay still, pressing firmly inside you while letting you do the moving around him.
One last important point: Lack of lubrication can irritate your delicate skin, so be sure you’re very aroused and wet before having p-v sex. If you don’t produce enough lubrication, there are lots of good lubes available, so check them out. You want one that has no alcohol or perfume (alcohol irritates those delicate membranes).
Be patient. It takes time to learn and to build up trust, but if you do this now, you’ll be setting yourself up for yummy sex for the rest of your life. I highly recommend the book, "For Yourself: The Fulfillment of Female Sexuality," by Lonnie Barbach. It's widely available in paperback, and is a step-by-step program for learning about your own sexual response. In addition, it contains lots of sharing by women about their own personal journeys of sexual self-discovery. I think it will help you immensely. Good luck! Dr. J
I used to feel the same way a few years ago but then i realized i was just to stressed before sex or foreplay even started. I would not let my brain give the correct signal to the areas i wanted to respond. I'm not a doctor you should probably see someone worst case. I would try to just relax get a massage watch some movie whatever and just get in to it don't overthink it. Read some sex books for better positions to try that may help climax better.
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