What do I need to do?

[Ookami11]

My fiance and I have been together for about 2 1/2 years. We had sex within the 1st month of dating. I was a virgin and he had experience a long term relationship that ended badly. We have had our troubles regarding sex over the last years. He is relatively anxious during intimacy because he does not want to get me pregnant and often because other people are home when we are together due to the fact we both live with our parents during college. Over a vacation where my family was gone we tried having sex to see if the anxiety would go away or diminish. Instead of diminishing the anxiety he has told me that the sex means nothing to him. He remains adamant that he loves me he just has a very low libido. This creates a problem because I have a very active sex drive and that in itself has been the base of all the sexual problems up to this point. To take the pressure off of him to have sex with me I purchased a vibrator with him present in an effort to reduce my urges. After using the toy once he broke down and told me that he felt like I was cheating on him with the toy and that I would no longer need him. I love him with my whole heart and the only reason I decided to purchase the toy was so I wouldn't frustrate him any further. I don't know what to do because he has told me the sex doesn't do anything for him despite his orgasms which I find extremely satisfying and that he doesn't want me to pleasure myself. How should I handle this situation??????????

[Janice M Epp, PhD]

I'm so sorry that this happened to you. It sounds like there's a lot more happening here, and without hearing from your fiancee, it's impossible for anyone to know what's actually going on with him.

It sounds like he’s basically an anxious person. Be aware that anxiety is the enemy of good sex. If he’s feeling anxious, his desire for sex will be affected. And perhaps there are other reasons for his low desire: he may have conflicting feelings about being sexual, based on earlier issues in his life. Or he may actually feel desire, but suppress it, due to feeling conflicted. I would suspect that he’s avoiding sex for a very important reason—and he may not even know what it is.

The big warning sign here is his feeling threatened by you using a vibrator or pleasuring yourself. This is a control issue and can be very complex to deal with. And you can’t know WHY he’s threatened by this until he shares his true feelings with you.

It’s time to get help so you can both talk about what your issues are. A counselor can then guide you through the process of discussing these issues with each other in a safe environment. Definitely get this issue resolved before you considering marrying. Good luck to you. Dr. J

[Ookami11]

Thank you so much for your insight. We have discussed this topic and we have worked through some of it. The anxiety is an issue that has been present but we've worked with in the past. We decided to try having him use the vibrator on me in conjunction with performing oral sex while I pleasured him. It worked out really well and I'm glad now of the purchase because it takes some of the pressure off of him to keep up with my sex drive!! We don't plan on marrying for another 2 years so we have plenty of time to work through the rest. Thanks again!