what can i do

[cintar]

i have been with the same woman for 18 months. she confided in me that she was molested as a young child by a family member, age 10. her family told her it never happened and to never bring it up again. at 13 she was raped by a friend who she thought she could trust, again, her family said she should not have put herself in this position. she turned to drugs and alcohol at 16 and ran with whoever would give her attention, in and out of mostly abusive relationships. thankfully she has been clean and sober for 4 years now, and is trying to do the next right thing. she tells me i am the best relationship she has ever been in, but, the problem we are having is there is absolutely no sexual contact between us. at the beginning of the relationship we did have intercourse maybe 3 or 4 times, mostly rushed to the point of her saying, "lets get this over with". the last time we were intimate was 9 months ago. we have talked about her fear of intimacy and not wanting to do so unless i backed her into a corner, which i have told her i will not do. i love and respect her too much to hurt her for my own selfish needs.  she started counseling 2 months ago, but she has canceled more appointments than she has attended. she cried the other night and told me she didnt want to go through this, but knew she needed to, and didnt want to loose me. lately all she is doing is working 7 days a week, and some nights also. when we see each other it may be for maybe 2 or 3 hours. we will cook dinner together at her apartment and she will usually go to bed after that. i love this woman very much and i am committed to her well being, but i dont know if i can continue to ignore my own needs if she continues to fill her time with work and not truly deal with this problem.  do i just need to let her continue what she is doing in the hopes that she will go to therapy and put a true effort into her recovery, and this relationship.

[SeriousSam]

Leave...  THat's my advice, but you probably won't because as men we all too often try to acquire people who are damaged and can't be fixed.  Honestly just the fact hat this aldy is attracted to you is a danger sign, for you and her.


For you it's a bad sign that a woman who repeatedly goes after abusive relaationships sees that potential in you.  For you that you are attracted to someone who is this damaged.  

That said, she deserves good things but she needs to pull herself out of the gene pool for a while and get therapy

[Janice M Epp, PhD]

I'm so sorry you're in this situation. Sadly, there's little you can do. She has to be motivated to do something for herself. No one can do it for her. Right now, it sounds like it's just too threatening for her. This is quite common. It's a huge thing for us to confront the past, with all its fears and traumas. One has to be quite strong to do it, and sometimes it takes many years to get there.

You cannot will this or enable it. And just sitting around and hoping it will happen some day isn't going to work either. It's sad, but often, very damaged people are only able to work out relationships with other very damaged people. Unless you want to become one of those, you might want to explore other alternatives. If you get hooked into taking care of her instead of yourself...Well, I don't have to tell you what will happen.

If you want to give it one last chance, you might consider saying the following: "You know I love and support you; however, I can't sit by and watch you avoid dealing with your issues because we don't really have a relationship. All we have is a friendship. I need to know if you can commit to going into therapy, and sticking with it. If you do, I'll be there for you. But if it's not something you can do right now, I really can't be with you. It's not helping either of us."

You can edit the above, but you get the idea. My very best wishes. Dr. J