Dealing with pregnant friends and family

[Moonflower09]

First, I want to say thank you for everyone's advice and support. I can't express how much it has helped. These last several months have been some of the most trying, depressing times. I've tried hard to hold it together. I think I'm doing ok, getting better, but have noticed the enormous amount of fatigue I now have. I use to be so full of energy and life, and now it's a struggle to get through every day. I can't believe I once ran and trained for marathons, triathlons, and did intensive yoga. Where did that energy go? I know it must be depression, though the sadness has lifted. I can also tell that my fatigue is marked by certain events. May 16th was my due date. The entire month of May was a struggle. I have now returned back to my bikram yoga practice. I have missed it so much. I was not practicing "just in case" I got pregnant again. But after trying for over 6 months and my 40 birthday quickly approaching, I can't hold out much longer. Maybe it's selfish, but at some point, I have to start taking care of me again. It's taking me a LONG time to get to this point. And though I know I'm doing "better", I've been faced with another painful reminder and delima. The girls I've mentioned before are both pregnant. One month apart, with the first one, being due next month. She became pregnant just over a month from me. This first girl is the one that's been so insensitive. The second, I don't know nearly as well, and we've never had any conversations concerning my pregnancy or miscarriage, though I know she knows. Last week, unexpectedly, I received their duel baby shower invitation. No phone call, no message that it was coming, it just arrived in the mail. I felt as though someone had punched me in the stomach. Then a few days later, I received an email, that just said, "Hey, we just wanted to make sure you got the invitation to our baby shower." No, hi, how are you doing, have you been ok,.... Just, we want to make sure you got it.... I'm trying so hard to get through this, but I feel like she is SO insensitive. The thought of going to this shower brings tears to my eyes. How am I going to set through them BOTH opening all those adorable baby gifts and not break down in tears. I'm truly happy for them, but devastated for me and my husband. I have no ill will and I'm glad their pregnancies have been successful. But my pain is almost too much to bare. And it goes deeper than just the miscarriage. Approaching 40 I know I have very little time left and how much harder it is. I am at the end of my reproductive life. These girls are 29 and 28. So not only does the thought of sitting through a baby shower bring up the pain of my loss because of the miscarriage, but I know there's also a reality that I have to face that it may never happen. We've been trying, with no success and that just adds to my frustration and pain. I really don't want to attend this shower. I am thinking of just sending them a card with a gift card to their home and skipping the shower. Is this selfish of me and does it make me a horrible person? I've gotten mixed messages from friends I've talked to. Some say "be the bigger person" others say they couldn't image how painful it would be and agree going is just going to send me into another cycle of depression. I know I have to face it when the babies get here, I'm ok with that. At least then when I see them and their babies, it'll be a family events for other purposes and the "babies" won't be the focus. The thought of attending a shower all themed BABY and watching both of them celebrate when our due dates were so close feels unbearable. Any thoughts? What should I do? Should I speak to this girl directly and explain to her how I feel, or just forget about it? I only wish that she would have been more sensitive and caring about what I've gone through. A simple phone call from her would have made ALL the difference in the world.

[Little2Feet]

Forgive yourself first,  as my doctor  says,  nature  has a funny way of  explaining things  to us.

b/c  I am in the shamanism  practice, Ive done alot of soul searching  and  what my aunt had  told me to say to myself  and well  I havent forgiven myself for a very long time, I have felt how you have felt over  10 years  actually  my  fiurst m/c  then my  2nd  3 years ago  so its eating inside my thoughts.  when I had finally realized wait a minute  instead of  this way  and that way  this is how ill say it to myself

"I don't know what I did to create this against my Self,   (and bring your focus to whatever it is, for acknowledgement) but please forgive me , I am so sorry,
thank you and I love you."

ive said this over and over  1 time a  day  for a  few  weeks it almost  seems  like it was  timming, and  no sooner  then did i fall pregnant, however  we  m/c  that  baby.

but keep saying this  to yourself  for awhile  get your strength up mentally,  greive  for an hour  and then get busy doing things ,  ( this is what i do when i am  depressed,  i only allow  for a wee bit o greevance. )  even tho  yes  some of its  in the back of  brain thoughts.i dont allow it to win.
id  suggest to do what you plan to do with the baby shower  thing it does extremely  hurt i agree fully.  then  as a month goes by  support them and  have them over for coffee and  possibly  explain your  situation.

are they  friends  or  family? either way you need to have them  understand  as  even though they are  going to healthy pregnancies it can strike in any month and perhaps they  can be aware  but not over worry to much .

stay  smilling  and dont let  negative win.

take care  :)

[Chelsea74]

I'm so sorry you have had such a difficult time! I would definitely skip the baby shower. Your number one priority right now needs to be looking after yourself. While the potential impact on you of going to the shower is large, the potential impact on them of you not going is very little. I had a similar dilemma - I declined a baby shower invite for a friend who was due end April (my due date was April 3rd) who was not so sensitive to my situation. But I attended one more recently for a friend due next week who got in touch after the invites were sent out saying she completely understood if I would rather not attend and hoped I was doing ok. Don't force yourself into a situation that could cause you pain, there's just no reason to and if others don't understand then that's just a shame but not your problem.
Please look after yourself and stay in touch.
Hugs,
Chelsea