Well, i basically suffer form emotional Shutdowns, i grew up in a real hectic setting. By the time i was 14 i had already lived with 10 different families been in 5 different schools, had been taken away from my parents in between each family. Everyone i talk to about this simply says i need to realize it wasn't my fault, and accept it. I knew from the start it wasn't my fault, when i was a kid i would find all the beer and drugs in the house and throw ti all away, i dont think thats my problem, i've come to accept most of what happened in my life, and taken as much as i can from it and learned a lot. Being 21, most ppl take me for being30 years old in maturity. What i can't do is open myself up to people, it scares the crap outta me, all i knew as a kid was that who ever i spoke to 1 day most likely wont be there the next, so getting attached was just a trap. Now i can't get close to anyone, friends, family, potential lovers, i just completely shutdown, no thought, no feeling, i become blank. The real me is locked in a cage, i have absolutely no thought when asked a question i don't think i just blurt w/e they want to hear, so they no longer talk to me. I have gotten better over the years, i can joke around and be myself around ppl i really don't care about, but when it comes to ppl that i do, like my family, or potential friends/lovers, not even a thought can come to mind. But when im by my self, or with ppl i dont care about i feel like i come out, and im screaming 'hey, im a good guy inside and i am willing to bet that we could get along GREAT' I think of everything that we could do together, how much fun we could have, how much i admire certain ppl for certain things.
I think its just a Fear of Abandonment, or fear of being hurt again. I just want to get rid of this Purgatory i sit in day in and day out around ppl that i want nothing more than to be myself around, Is there anyway to overcome this self defense mechanism?