Mental Problems/Guess I lost it

[innerchild09]

As some of you know I have not been doing good at all. I know I wrote a lot about the things going on and how stressed out and depressed I have been feeling. Things were falling apart and everything was lousy. Well everything just seemed to pile up on me and I lost it. I know maybe you were expecting a ton of details why I have been absent and what happened while I was gone and all this. Sorry to disapoint you but I dont know. My memory well it was always bad but it got really bad. Im not even sure why I left. I guess I got lost in my own world maybe. I dont know. I wish I had the answers. Im not even sure how I made it through all that. I guess I did or well then I wouldnt be here at all. Im still not well. I space out a lot. Feel like Im in and out of it. Feels like Im not all here. I know this sounds crazy. It really does. This is another really hard thing for me to talk about. I guess this really makes me feel I am crazy. Like how could I forget what I did and stuff. Did I just lose it? I dont know. Stuff like this happened before but I think this was like the worst. I call it zoning out. I dont know. So I dont have an answer. I dont know what I was doing for most of it. I remember some of it breifly but just not much of it. Like I said I was out of it. I have no explimation. Oh and I know the 1st thing people are going to say, see a shrink. Yeah I know I need one. I needed one then too. I dont have one. I dont have insurance. I cant afford to see another doctor. Its to expencive. Aughhhh. When it rains it pours and thunders and lightnings. Still I am doing better then i was or I probably still wouldnt be able to be here. But I am here right now. I wanted to be then too but I couldnt. Wasnt functioning. Maybe I forgot how to come here too. Not sure. Like I said wasnt myself. So really I just wrote this to update everyone and hoping for a bit of support. Im still stuck in a situation where Im in the house all the time. And I dont go out. Maybe it didnt matter. Id probably forget most of it anyway. Seems like I forgot it all anyway. My memory is awful. My mental health is awful. Everything really ***** right now. Things got to hard. to bad. to much, So I guess I just lost it. Thanks for listening.

[innerchild09]

Thats hard when you feel like you are unsure if your friends are true friends or not. Its like you might be afraid they are not because then you wont have them. So to keep friends if they arent true friends just to have people but not get what you need or to drop them but then lose those chances to get out of the house. I guess its a really tough choice. I wouldnt know personally but I think that if someone doesnt like me for me then its not really worth it. I mean theres enough people I have to wear a mask around. I wouldnt want it to be that with friends too. That is if I had real life friends. Anyway the point is thats just a choice you have to make. I would want to be accepted as me. I guess sometimes being me isnt always good to be. Seems like it would be easier to act like what people want. Still thats hard and hiding the things that bug people is harder then it looks. I tried that before with someone that my mom is friends with. It didnt actually go as I planned. Plus I felt uncomfortable and it just was not me. I dont want to live that type of life. I would rather just be me. I know sometimes when I am me I dont just blurt out what I feel and think and stuff. Just act like myself I guess I mean. Sometimes I still get scared. Still sometimes I dont know. Well I dont really know what it would be like to run around all the time anyway.

Oh thats probably good you are staying home so you can do things you need to or maybe if you have hobbies or soemthing you can do too. I hope that you will feel happy being by yourself. I hope you dont feel down and stuff. That just wouldnt be good if you do. So I am hoping that you will be ok and that youll have a good day at home.

For me I better write this now before it changes. I am in a great mood. I really am. I havent been in awhile. So I am really glad I am right now. So just wanted to say that. Anyway talk to you all later. Take care all.

[amylove21]

Yeah it really is hard. Still I don't think even if they are not the best friends that I could just walk away. Maybe it's stupid of me to stay with people who only accept part of me. Am I that desperate? Maybe. Could be I am afraid of change or maybe I feel I need these people to make me happy. I'm not sure. I wish I could get them to understand how I feel. I don't think they will. I don't even know if they care. Maybe they just don';t understand mental illness. It could be that.

Well so far I have managed to stay home all day. I guess I could be feeling worse. I have to admit I am a bit bummed out. Not really used to not doing stuff to not think about all the stuff that goes on. When I am here and not out and about those thoughts creep back in. I am glad for this place. I'm glad for being able to talk here and to people who get it. Someone who doesn't judge me for what I do or how I feel or what I am thinking. Like you could just think I am some desperate party girl. Or just someone who goes out and parties and can't stay home with no care in the world. Yet you don't. Maybe it makes it hard for you to hear how I am not home not home. And you are home all the time. I'm sure its extreamly hard to be in that situation. I would'nt have made it through had it been me. I mean look how much I need to be out and about. I always do. There's the upside because I get to have a lot of people around me and hang out and meet new people. Still I would like to have people around me who also can deal with talking to me if I am really depressed or I'm really angry and just need to vent. So far I got a few. Most of it is just hear because they are busy or they don't want to listen all the time. Like sometimes they can be supportive and other times it's like just leave me alone. I don't care. So I am getting mixed signals when it comes to those people. So far I haven't experianced it here. I guess sometimes I think someone maybe you or some other person will just get tired of me talking about my crazy life I am living and all the stuff I do talk about a lot. Part of me expects it to happen no matter what. I guess it most likely won't here but still part of me worries that someday everyone here will be tired of it too. I don't know. It's crazy I guess.

I am just so happy that you are having a great day. I really hope that it continues to be great. You deserve to have some good days too. So I am really glad right now that you are doing well. I hope it lasts. I might come back online later and update agian. I don't know if you will check back today or not. If not I might go ahead and update. Hope your day stays great. Talk soon.

[TheLightSeeker]

     Hi everyone.
     I was always known to be the pick-me-upper, shot in the arm, type of person.
         So don't mind me when I come in and visit here, and throw at you guys
      scientific studies, holistic medicine, spirituality or whatever my energy brings about!
    
                          DIALOGUE WITH ILLNESS*
     You can work with a friend for this exercise, if you want.
       To start, pick a symptom. Just one and don't think or analyse too much,
       one that you have a need to understand , and by understanding, heal.
        Like a fear of heights, or migraines or whatever comes to mind, spontaneously.
        Now get in touch with that symptom, feel it, and then make it worse.
        Notice how you do this and next, Switch Places with the symptom!
        You become the symptom and the symptom becomes you.
         This way you are fully aware of the symptom! And it knows where it is located
          and how it affects the mind and the body.
         Next have the you, that's outside the symptom, ask the symptom these questions:
    
         * How have you affected my life?
         * What are you going to do with my mind/body now that you are in it?
         * How have you affected my relationships?
         * Do you help convey something I can't convey without you,
           some message or some information?
         * Do you protect me from anyone or anything?

       Post your answers, if you want, and we can have a little discussion, on this.
           It's entertaining and therapeutic at the same time.
    
        
        Adopted from a workshop with my teacher and friend Dr. Brian Weiss  
           (Many Lives, Many Masters)
     Blessings to all
Nikodicreta

[innerchild09]

Amylove sorry that you are bummed out being home. I hope that it wasnt to depressing. Sounds like you are not used to having to be at home. I think sometimes it still gets hard for me. Of course Im home all the time. I guess that makes a difference. Maybe I should be used to it, but Im not. I dont know. I hope that they those who support you will give you more time so you can get support from then too. Glad that you have here as well because sometimes coming here helps.

Nikodicreta, you double posted. Well technically you posted this then a new thred I guess. Well its ok you needed to put a new one. So anyway I responded to it there so I dont have anymore to say other then that.

Hope to hear from both of you soon. And if other people want to come and join in and talk too or need to start a post as well if they need support if they dont want to post on this one or something. Its fine either way.

[amylove21]

I guess it wasn't to bad. it started off kind lousy but I don't think it ended bad. It was different for sure. Plus I did think about some of my sadness and stuff. I might be getting ready to hit another low. I don't know.

Today I was out and stuff but I was feeling down anyway. So this time I didn't feel better going out. Plus I think she was a bit annoyed with my mood. She seemed to want me to snap out of it. I wanted to as well. I mean my friend I was with. I don't know is it worth it anymore. Maybe I'm more aware I have a problem. Then agian I could just be hitting a wave of sadness. I guess I will just have to see if my mood stays down and stuff. Hope it doesn't. I hope I am feeling good agian.

So not sure how you are doing now. Hope you are still doing good. This post wasn't as long as my others ones I have been leaving.

[innerchild09]

Well Im glad it wasnt to bad. Sorry that it was still hard though. I hope your not going to hit a low. Its hard being low. Up until the last few days I have been low low and low.

Sorry that your friend wasnt understanding that you arent doing good. That isnt right of her to get mad if you are just down. Theres no excuse for it. I hope that you are feeling good too agian.

For me Im in a great mood. I went out. Woohoo!!!! I needed to get out of the house. I went out to a store with mom and then I went out to eat too. So I finally got out of the house. Im really excited that I got to. So Im doing great right now. Hope that it continues. Hope if I go lousy agian I can at least remember the good few days I have been having. I still hope that it stays though.