feeling worthless

[Cloudwindgate]

Lately I've felt worthless and feel like my life is worth nothing. I'm not sucidal. In fact im quite the oppisite i fear death.

But I have un dianosed bipolar depression. most people both on here and in life tell me im bipolar but in a strange way. I have a very rare high but i guess there this new bipolar in which you have lows and norms but no high.


but back to the point i turn 19 and my life isnt what i thought it would be by this time all this mental issuse i thought i had conquared are coming back my OCD which im dianosed with and my Phobias have teamed up with my anti-social behavior. It all started one day at work there was a gang member there checking the store out while his budies smoked in the car but this fear came over me and i began to have an aniexty attack.  

After that day i was scared people were going to hurt me and i know its stupid but i started to feel weak and helpless. The fear was already starting to rise but now it came in like the tide covering me in fear and anexity. I fear work i fear going outside. People do it to me but even more so those who dress like gangsters. This is effecting my life i wont go certain places because of the people who hang out there.

It's stupid i know but i cant help its for ever time they come around i go into this defense and get ready.

A few months ago i had a meltdown from all of this. I dont know how to deal with stress i just hold everything in and then boom. But this was bad i woke up for three days in a row with the same felling and thought. i wouldnt kill myself but the thought was "it wounldnt be so bad if i just never got up again maybe ill just lay here till i die"

i recovered from this kinda. But now when i see those people with there baggy pants and there i dont give a **** attuide i get so mad. IU dont think of me dieing anymore no i get this rage aqnd i think ill kill them before they kill me. Im getting a little scared of what I may do now.

Then when i do nothing i feel weak. like it dont have the balls to do it. I'm losing my job because of absentense. So now i feel even lower. In my life ive never been the best at anything always steps behind others. I feel like pink floyd ever little thing these last few years have just been bricks in the walls.

Dont get me wrong there are good days were i lose my self in games or in the moment of happy things. When im drawing all my stress's go away (but only if what im drawing is coming out how i want it to or i just feel i will never have skills)

I feel god has abandened me.

I cant afford help right now so that is why i reach out to all of you.

I just need a way to vent i guess that all this is.

I say my darknewss lives in me by that i mean i never get relief from these things i just turn my back from it for a little while


I know my life isnt the worse or as bad as it could be im alive i have food in my belly and a roof over my head but......


those ideas dont help.

I wish i had unwavering faith then i could just say it in gods plain or what not but was it god who took my dog, or was it god or made me live in a car for a week or without power for two months. Why did god kill my grandmother. Where is love when someone is shot every day on the news. Oakland richmand what a disgras i wish it would just be taken off the map. The god and the devil are the same in my mind

God made....was it abraham

well just to pove unwathering faith to the devil he tortured plagued and kill one mans family to be perfect something must be equaly good and bad, dark and light thats the only way it can be logical.

I'm sorry this goes on forever im just venting i dont really have anyone to vent to anymore.    

[innerchild09]

Well ok vent when you need to. I know it ain't always easy to vent. Different reasons and stuff. Either shy or afraid or something. Seems like my fingers do most of the venting. My brain doesn't seem to do much. Sorry humor. Trying to lighten myself. My day wasn't so great. Well anyway talk when you can.

[Cloudwindgate]

I thank -you for that but its hard for me i can only vent at certian times it just wont come other wise unless pervoked and thats why i need help

[innerchild09]

No problem. If you want to vent more you can. We're here.

[Cloudwindgate]

thank-you

[innerchild09]

I think you should try some of the things Jaquta said. I wasn't on here until now. Anyway try to find a program that will help you. Anyway sounds like you have a lot going on so yes feel free to vent. We need to at times. Maybe you are bipolar but you would have to see a doc. So try to find some place to help you. And I know how tough it is to deal with anxiety and stuff. Maybe you felt threatened so it happened. All I know is it's not good to live in fear all the time. I hope you can find a program to help you.

[Cloudwindgate]

thank you for your comment


I dont believe that anything is fated to happen life just happens. Event other do or dont do effect us and the events we do or dont do effect everyone else. I said i cant fallow faith it all falls apart to me.

thank-you for listening

[Jaquta]

Life can sometimes feel like that.  I think it is our responsibility to keep ourselves safe, or ask others to do it for us if we can't, because with life there is always the possibility of it improving.
I've been through periods where I have been extremely fearful of death.  At times I would become anxious about going to sleep because I felt I might die during the night.  I think my issues were triggered by a number of deaths around me.

If you feel you may have bipolar then you should speak to a psychiatrist who can properly evaluate you.

Your reaction was normal.  Who in their right mind wouldn't feel frightened or afraid or intimidated?

It sounds like a passive suicide wish where you want to be dead (or don't want to have to deal with your issues) but you don't want to hurt yourself.
The irony is in that you are afraid of death (afraid of what gang members might do) but then want it.  As long as you have control of the situation.

Safety issues generally always concern anger.  Suicide is self-hatred, etc.  Anger directed at yourself.  Homicide is about other people.

Walls and defenses can be broken down.

My belief is that everything happens for a reason.  We may not understand now but later we seem better able at putting things in perspective.  Often we need to go through adversity.  It makes us stronger people.

Didn't God make everyone?  God created Adam and Eve.

Vent away.  That sounds like a lot of stress to be under.
I have heard that there are low or zero fee clinics that people can attend.  Have you tried accessing one of those?

Maybe you have ptsd??  Just a thought.

You could try asking the doctor on the mental health expert forum about accessing help, etc.  He may give you some idea about what you are currently experiencing.

I would definitely try and access one of those clinics and also see if they provide psychotherapy.  That would help heaps with the anxiety.

I think this might be about death and about feeling vulnerable and powerless.  Ask the doctor, he is good to talk too.  He also posts on the emotional eating expert forum.

I hope talking has helped you feel more connected to people and less alone.
Feel free to vent some more.  We all do it here.

[Cloudwindgate]

o and i forgot to say im losing my home soon the owner want to sell it