Aa
Always planning!
I almost pulled it off on December 1 when I intentionally OD'd on every single med I could get my hands on. Ended up in ICU on a respirator, hands tied to the side of the bed. Eight days later, I was sent to a psychiatric hospital where I stayed another eight days. I am now planning my next attempt even though I'm in out patient therapy. Will I ever stop thinking about committing suicide?? I'm so depressed that I just can't take much more of it!!
I went to my psychologist yesterday. We started talking about the suicidal thoughts I always have. She asked me if I had a plan. I said sure. I mean for crying out loud, I'm not at idiot. I know what I would do! She asked me if I'd tell her. I just smiled and jokingly pointed my finger at her and said, "Uh uh,,you're not sending me to the hospital." Then we talked about promising not to do anything. I don't think I ever would. I love my boys too much to do that.
I know how you feel and you are not alone. Even in good times I have an exit strategy. I had similar attempt Sept 29 of (at this point) last year. After a couple of days in ICU and several weeks in the loony bin, I came to some serious conclusions. A) I am not a passive bystander of life. I am not completely at the mercy of my feelings. I have free will. I can choose to do the things it takes to feel "well" such as work with my doctors on medication, go to therapy, not isolate, etc. Or I can choose to do nothing and let my life crash into the rocks. B) It's not enough to know the coping skills available to us. You have to practice them as well...everyday. I know that sounds like pull yourself up by your bootstraps. It's not. Help is available but one has to choose to utilize it. The struggle does get easier, but it never quite goes away. I know for me, a good cocktail of medication, group therapy and individual therapy does wonders for my mood and offers me some hope. I might also suggest looking into Dialectical Behavior Therapy (DBT). There is a workbook on it and a good therapist should be able to help you with it. Hang in there, it CAN get better.
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