I have been treated for depression for the last 20 years, although in my view what I have is dysthemia which on occasion lapses into deep depression from which I will emerge after not too long. It is during these short spells that I have in the past wanted not so much to kill myself but simply to die.
However, I have been going through a period of my life which has been so consistently humiliating and dispiriting with no relief, even momenetary, I am down but not terribly depressed. What is new is that the thoughts of dying or of killing myself have begun to feel to me like a rational even honorable way to deal with what has been happening to me. I don't have the urge to die this minute. What I am getting is the feeling that on any given day in the future, without a lot of personal fanfare or pre-thought that I will decide to end it one day and be dead within the hour.
I have no cries for help I wish to make. It's just that help is not in the cards for me, not help that can possibly make me see the difficulties and crises which just keep falling on me. Fate, luck or whatever has been consistently terrible for me since I was 25 years old, long enough to no longer believe that my luck will turn, things will get better, I will get healthier, my wife will act and say she loves me, my sons will tell me I'm a great dad. None of this is going to happen for me. As I said, it's not in the cards.
I'm a laughingstock to myself only because nobody really bothers to consider me long enough to even reach that conclusion.