Abusive Father

[CYMER]

My father passed away over 10 years ago...and I'm still having a hard time putting his metal and physical abuse behind me especially around this time of year. His speciality besides the physical abuse was mental.. which was not to talk to you..for months at a time..even during christmas he would not say a word. This Christmas silent treatment accured more than once.. I've tried to put it behind me but I just get so worked up. I cannot even look at photo's of me when I was kid. How do I put this in the past once and for all?
I'm in my 50's now with 5 kids of my own. I could never do to them what my Dad did to me. But they ask about him...

Cymer

[gracejoyce]

As an overcomer of abuse, I have found that the only way to "get over" is to forgive. I KNOW it sounds so unjust, so unreasonable and anyone who has been through abuse will react with extreme anger immediately.

But. This is what it takes.

Here's a few possible practical ways to deal with it:

Write a letter to him, be angry, say all that you want to say to him. Write a letter or speak to a recorder - then burn the tape/letter.

Then maybe after a few weeks write a forgiveness letter. A test to see if you can forgive him is to see if you can honestly bless him. Tell him about the pain he has caused you. The rejection and the hurt. Yell at his grave if you must but face this.

You must be realizing the anger that is coming out stronger in other areas of your life that's been built up by this that you are wanting to get rid of it. I commend you for it and it takes a courageous man to recognize that need. Now I recommend that you be even more courageous and contemplate forgiveness.

Know that forgiveness is a decision and a commitment. You make the decision and the emotions will follow.

Someone once told me that forgiveness is like a handcuff. One's on you and one's on the offender. When you forgive, you unleash your side of the cuff, and the rest is up to him and God.

I also would suggest that you possibly (if you can) tap into his childhood history. I've found that my past offender has actually gone through a lot of abuse himself and had a very hard life. It doesn't justify what he did but in some ways, I see an imperfect person who made horribly painful mistakes with grave consequences as oppose to a devil planning his evil on me if that makes sense.

I hope this help and I sincerely pray that you can forgive. Such beauty and freedom lies beyond hatred.

[margypops]

I am not certain you can put it behind you like that, what you can do is to replace those memories with good ones, was your mom around then did she also ignore you ? Have you ever thought some talking it through and some therapy make be helpful, you have come here it is a start...something similar happened to my dh when he was a child , perhaps not so long but they would not speak to him for hours, I agree its abuse and it can make one fearful .When these thought come into your mind try switching them to something happier, about the children or what you will doing on Christmas day, what foods you are going to cook.,distraction does work ..Good luck