Unsure if incident really occurred

[indistress4446]

I am afraid my daughter is lying. I am a parent of a 16 year old girl who is very spoiled who grew up without her father but had a stepfather in her life for 11 1/2 years until I got pregnant and now have a 2 1/2 year old. I am now seperated from her stepfather for 7 months do to me leaving due to me falling for another man. It seemed she hated her stepdad from the beginning even though she was only 5 years old. Recently I told her it really wasn't working well with the new boyfriend and i was considering going back wtih her stepfather because he was a good man and he still loved me. She proceeded to tell me that he wasn't as good as I thought he was and that he had touched her when she was younger. When trying to find out what happended she was very hateful to me and told me she couldn't remember then she told me it happended when I would pick up my work but he was at work when I would go pick up work and when I told her this she said no it would happen when he went in to kiss her goodnight but I was always around and he wouldn't spend more than time enough to kiss her and tell her goodnight in her room. When asked when this happended she said when she was younger she couldn't remember however she also states that it happended since we moved into our new house which has only been 3 1/2 years ago. I have never seen any signs of this and feel like after 11 1/2 years of living wtih someone that I would know him and also I had been touched when by my moms boyfriend when I was 11 years old. Her stepfather doesn't at all have a very heavy sexual drive just the normal and has always been private to himself and has always keep himself covered and when she would come out of the bathroom sometimes with just a towel on he would tell her she needed to go put on clothes. They had been getting along for the past 2 years since the baby was born and since we have been seperated. Could I have not picked up on this or is it just another plot to get me alone? By the way she hates the new boyfriend and doesn't want him around me or to spend any time with me.

[momagain59]

I am over 40 and have only recently disclosed to a few family members that I was sexually abused when I was little. I haven't shared any details and I do not plan to. Please believe her when she says that it happened. She may be very confused about the details of what happened. I have blocked out most of my abuse and it is hard for me to remember everything that happened but I do remember that it happened.

[SL345]

I would just add that sexual abuse, unlike more frequently occuring problems often seen in medical or mental health settings, is a unique problem area associated with intense feelings of shame and humiliation unlike other trauma problems. When a child, especially, feels psychologically unsafe - if they worry, for example, that disclosure will result in further dissolution of the family or if they fear that the parent whom they psychologically care for won't believe them or will feel angry and/or hurt by the disclosure, or if they believe that disclosing won't increase the likelihood that they will be believed or protected - they may conceal even if in counseling for a protracted period. They may never fully disclose or they may only do so after they are independent and able to care for themselves. It is often difficult to know for sure.

[jo929]

by all means she must feel that you love her but it it appears unusual that if she has been in therapy that long it has not been brought up most of the people that go to counseling will share their problems she must  have a problem or she would not be in counseling i have worked with people for 40 years gen hosp and mental and once the person felt comfortable with the one they talk with they do a lot of confiding and i have heard a lot. i wish that i could advise but i feel it would be unwise of me to  comment i will just say love her and maybe the truth will come out. lots luck . jo

[SL345]

You might start by telling her that you want to keep her safe and the more you know the better you can do that. She needs to "believe" (not just hear the words) that you will are here for her, that you will listen to her and try to look at the problem from her point of view, that you love her and believe in her as a person, that you want what's best for her. Forget about what you've heard in your medical trasncription work. Each case is unique. You need to open your mind to all possibilities. Many or most vicitms never tell anyone (ever) what's happened to them. Whether she is telling the whole truth, partial truth or not truth, your daughter has a problem with which she needs your help.

[SL345]

You might start by telling her that you want to keep her safe and the more you know the better you can do that. She needs to "believe" (not just hear the words) that you will are here for her, that you will listen to her and try to look at the problem from her point of view, that you love her and believe in her as a person, that you want what's best for her. Forget about what you've heard in your medical trasncription work. Each case is unique. You need to open your mind to all possibilities. Many or most vicitms never tell anyone (ever) what's happened to them. Whether she is telling the whole truth, partial truth or not truth, your daughter has a problem with which she needs your help.

[indistress4446]

Thanks so much for your comments. I am a medical transcriptionist for years and have seen these incidents occur time and time again however I have had my daughter in counseling for several years and I am having problems understanding how she could have never told her counselor. I am supporting my daughter however everytime I try and find out when this happended and where was I (because I do work at home) she says she just don't want to talk about it. How do I get through when she doesn't want to discuss it with me?

[indistress4446]

Thank you for your comments. My daughter has lied to me before and is dealing with a lot of issues at this point in her life like any 16 year old girl faces. Seh has also been in counseling for the past 3-4 years and has never told the counselor or anyone even her two best friends whom she has been friends with since she was in K3. I too have also explained to my daughter about someone touching her every since she was young and also told her to tell me. I have always been real protective over my daughter and because of everything that had happended to me I always tried to protect her from these incidents. I don't want it to sound in any means that I don't believe her and believe him. It is just so out of character for him to have done this and I have spoken to my sister about the incident and she just can't believe this occured but we both can't imagine either that my daughter would just come up with this. The problem I am having with her is that her story keeps changing and just doesn't add up. Do you think it is possible for her to go to counseling all these years and never tell something this life changing or the counselor not pick up on this?

[indistress4446]

I am sorry if it sounded like I was going back to the stepfather because he is a good man and he still loves me. I was considering going back with the stepfather before I found out all of this information. I also have a 2 1/2 year old son by this man and he also needs a father. Before when I was considering going back I would have had to try and go out with him first to see if I could fall back in love with him. I was in love wtih him for many years and still have strong feelings for him or I would have never considered going back with him. My daughter is already 16 the dilema I am faced wtih now is that someone is lying to me and I can't tell who is.

[socgirl]

I also support the comments made by steph4302.  So, i won't repeat what she has said.  But something to consider...from your post it almost sounds like you want to get back together with the stepfather just to have someone around.  If i'm wrong, feel free to say so...but when you say you fell for another man..that didn't work out, so your considering the step father because "he's a good man and he still loves you," it's difficult for me to think otherwise.  Make sure you love him as well

[jo929]

has your daughter lied to you before about things i raised 3 children i told them that at anytime someone tried to take thei panties off or to touch their private part to come to me i impressed on them the importance of this at 5 my daughter came to me with her cousin and told me mama she said so ans so picked me up and then put his hand in my panties i told him i wanted down and come to tell you her cousins granfather had been doing this to his 2 grandchildren also but they did not know what to do he was so loving they were confused well i went to my sisters and things stopped i wont say what happened but i am glad that i had told my kids to come to me i explained in later years that to keep their pants up and dress down we also dicussed other things abot sex and a lot of times i know my daughter lied to me about why they stayed out late but they would tell me if something happened thjat was not suppoesd to because about then a girl in our neighborhood said a man and this man lived alone she said he had raped her every one was really going and he was arrested and my daughters said mom she is not telling the truth because when she said it hapened she was at thwe skating rink with 5 of us think of how long the man would have went to prison so there are 2 sides there if she was toched and she was 5 she would remember it very definatley if she wasnt then a good mans reputation is at stake i will not tell you what to do but i would try my best to find out and tell her yoiu care so many people are to quiick to judge, but take the time to figure out thje way to go by all means she should have help if she was touched did you notice her acting any different than usual when it was supposed to happen   i wish you lots of luck    jo

[SL345]

I support the comments made by Steph4302. You daughter needs to feel you are taking her allegations seriously. With her permission, you could confront your ex, but don't expect him to step forward with an honest answer. You daughter has just a few more years before she will be considered an adult. maybe you could consider taking a break from living with other guys until she is independent, or at least age 16. This is definitely a case of better to err on the side of safety. Most kids don't make this stuff up.

[Steph4302]

I'm sorry but I disagree with you jml1986. A child who has been molested or sexually abused should never be made to confront her attacker. Imagine being a 16 year old girl who was molested around the age of 12 by a caregiver and then forced to call the attacker out on his behavior. If this really did occur, by being forced into a confrontation, the child is not only going to feel scared and confused but also made to feel as if this is her fault.

Whenever I speak with parents whose children have recently disclosed sexual abuse (I am a caseworker at a domestic violence and sexual abuse center), I always advise them to be supportive of their child even if they have suspicion that the child is lying. How would your daughter feel if you wrote off her abuse and allowed a potential abuser back into your home and then the abuse continued? What if you allowed him back in the house and ended up seeing the abuse occur with your own eyes? Not only would your daughter be devestated but so would you.

It is much better to support your daughter in this situation than ask if she is lying. It is best to have a one-on-one talk with her and be sensitive to her feelings. It is definitely possible that you could have not picked up on this. Abusers are master manipulaters and they can manipulate both their spouse and the child in many ways.

It is important not to rush into anything. I highly recommend seeking counseling for your daughter at your closest sexual assault center (I can find one for you if you send me your city and state).

Please keep me updated and feel free to contact me for any further information. But please, put your daughter first. She needs you right now even if she wasn't abused.

[jml1986]

If indeed you are considering going back to you ex, I think that it would be wise to sit both of them down at the same time and discuss this. If she is lying I am sure it will be straightened out if she is in both your presents. If in fact it is true, she will be none to happy to give you all the details in front of him, at which point you will need to take legal action against him.