Growing up I thought i was gay, i am 19, I would block it out for a long time then I would remember that I was gay. this is from when I was around 7-8 to 18. I came out when I was 18, I was in a situation with my two friends and their friend josh, josh new I was gay and at one point we were separated from my other friends, he asked if he could kiss me and I started to have a panic attack but kissed him and when my other friends came back I made the one promise not to leave me alone with him. I felt like i was powerless and couldn't say no. (this isn't the molesting im talking about, but a symptom). I also question if i am gay because I joined a dating website and whenever someone has an interest in me I disengage and avoid them.
I have a memory of me being young and awaking to someone having my underwear down and I asked them what they were doing and they told me to go back to bed. I also remember being awake at night and just staring at this digital clock in a dark room. The other night I had a dream that I was little and this man was chasing me when I was on the floor and he just grabbed me and put his finger in my butt.
I also can not stand affection or when people comfort me and touch me and I am wondering if this is why.
I think it may have been my uncle who killed himself when I was young which could be why it's hard to remember since it would of possibly stopped then. My mom told me this story how I was at the grocery store with him once and he got mad at me and told me to just shut up, and I demanded he took me home, this must of been when I was around 5 or younger. Looking back on that story I just think the relationship we had was suspicious. (me being alone with my uncle).
I also have a very weak defense whenever an older person yells at me i break down and have a panic attack and cant breathe.