what's your opinion

[annemarie2786]

I have been with my boyfriend seven months we met in a homeless hostel and recently moved into a house together because I got caught pregnant.
I have a very difficult past with been abandened by my parents and hit drugs and lost my children into care due to the father been physically abusive anyways since moving into this house with current boyfriend I have had a misscarriage and have been attacked by my boyfriend.
I have had the police out to him but he blamed it on me as he had a scratch on his neck from where I fought him off in self defence.
I consently get called names and made to feel as tho I'm always in the wrong and can not do anything right.
I have started to believe all the stuff he says that I'm fat and have tried to loose weight but have found myself eating more to get my own comfort.
I'm ugly so have tried wearing make up but then get called a **** and am only wearing it so I can have an affair.
I have apparently already cheated on him and before I lost my baby it was the guy I cheated with's baby (which it wasn't and haven't cheated) but now I have lost the baby he has told everyone it was his I'm so confused with all this.
Police have given me an insight to his past he has beaten his ex put a knife to his mum been in jail a lot and is a raging alcoholic.
Since finding all this out police have advised me to leave rapidly I have been thinking about doing so but I have no family or friends I am not allowed on my phone (only on here now as he has alcohol induced acute pancreatitis and is in bed in pain).
All money goes into his bank and I am not allowed to touch bank card he has my bank card and has the only set of house keys.
I left him once for a day and during the night he had took all his warafrin tablets (to thin his blood due to a blood clot) and cut his wrists. I felt guilty and messaged him the next day he told me he had done it because he didn't want to live without me.
I am now at a very confused stage and don't know weather to go or not he has been really nice these past few days he has been ill has asked me to marry him and to try for another baby. I do not want to bring a baby into this relationship bit am not allowed to take the pill or anything so am scared when he gets better and wants sex I will get pregnant again then am trapped for good. Our last arguement started over me changing my picture on facebook to a picture of me and not a picture of me and him together.
Sorry this has been a long post I just needed to get everything off my chest and try and find some sort of solution thanks for any advice in advance

[Nighthawk61]

I also had a conversation with the police officer that I called and he is refering me to a domestic abuse service that can try help me get out safely.

I'm sorry about your mom being such a flake. It sounds like you really would benefit from talking to a therapist, and if you're on assistance, that's available to you at no charge. The problem within your family of origin likely has contributed fully to your hitching your wagon to the likes of this loser. From my own experience I can tell you that it's going to be important for you to get all of the ghosts in your closet expelled, so that you can fully concentrate on your new life. You'll need to stop yourself from latching on to another guy in the same boat as the last, (maybe looking  a little better) and get stuck yourself, or having a child in a less than satisfactory environment. That's why it's best to give yourself a year or so, and build your life. Don't worry about knowing anyone. Once you start college, and then a job, you'll have made good friends that deserve a place in your life. You must learn to stop yourself from being a victim, and that's not easy if you have been a victim in your childhood home, and it sounds like you have. You can put a stop to that, if you have patience and concentrate on getting ahead. With therapy and college, you won't have any time to feel like you do right now. I promise you, if you want a better life for yourself, and you believe that you deserve one, it will happen. So start to think of yourself in terms of someone who is deserving. and follow up with the police officer. It' sounds like you've made your first friend. He sounds like a keeper. Someone that you can keep in touch with and let know how things are getting better and better for you. There are many that would love to be friends with you, but you have to protect yourself and be safe and away from anyone who is dangerous, or nobody will want to know you.

We're here for you for the long run, please don't ever think that anyone here would judge you harshly during your time of hell. Many of us have been exactly where you are right now, myself included. I'd love to be a friend of yours, I see great potential in you. Liz

[Godisfaithful]

Sorry you are going through this. Apparently by all the comments, you are not in this alone. Please get out. You are not safe. I pray for your safety. I believe he is sick, but even in this state he is using it to manipulate you. To be honest, his hands are tied behind his back and he has no true authority over you. And he can't hit you so he's using fear and intimidation to keep you. Leave him while you have the chance. It's better to be in another town at another homeless shelter or domestic abuse shelter then being there. You don't have to know anyone in a new town; that shouldn't be an issue when your life is at stake. You safety is what counts. Please get out.

[Chima7]

It's not like you were going to live at her house. You should still go, start over far away from this horrible guy who is too messed up to even try working it out with!

[RockRose]

anne,   it's your life,  your decision.

But that sounds like an enormous waste of your life.  You weren't going to be living with your mother anyway - why does it matter whether she's okay with you moving to the homeless hostel in Oxford?

[annemarie2786]

So all the planing so far has stopped my mum has decided that I am the problem and does not want to help anymore and I deserve what I get (her words not mine).
Would like to say thank you to everyone commenting and supporting me but looks like its just going be staying here and hoping things change

[RockRose]

Why don't you just call the cop who was so supportive of you and set up a time for a couple cops to come over and make sure you can leave peacefully?  Take a couple boxes of stuff,  and your bank card,  and have them escort you to a bus stop or train station wherever you need to go to get out.  

Being in a town where you know no one is much better than being where you are where you seem to only be in contact with this control freak.

[Chima7]

I'm sorry to hear what you've been through. You've made it this far though, and it sounds like you are on the right track with your thinking, so that's a good sign. The bottom line is that you need to get away from this guy. He is nothing but a controlling and manipulative jerk. If he ended up killing himself, he would be doing the world a favour because the world doesn't need sociopaths like him in it.

Anyway, I know you're worried about moving to where your mom is, in case she disappears again, but in truth, that part isn't all that important. It's better for you to start over somewhere new, away from where you are now. It's truly a fresh start, which is what you need to move on from the past and open a new chapter in your life. This new chapter is all about you, getting yourself on your feet and getting on the right track with your life. Try to look at it as a new beginning and try to get excited about about your new life away from this guy who turned out to be nothing but a gigantic ****. You can do this, just have some faith in your strength that you managed to get to this point.

[annemarie2786]

I have been in touch with my real mum today I found her on facebook of all places and have explained the situation she is going look into hostels in oxford so I will be leaving hull so he would not be able to find me and tempt me back with empty promises just have to try get there safely now think it will be best if I go when he out I started putting a few things in boxes today my excuse was putting away winter stuff getting ready for summer I don't think he has realised what I'm doing if he has I will be in for a usual night.
On the bad side to my mum helping is worrying when I get to oxford she will leave me again then am in a town where do not know 1 single person :(

[specialmom]

Hi there.  I'm so sorry it has been so hard.  You don't sound pathetic, you just sound like a woman stuck in a pattern that you must break.  

Yes, this 'boyfriend' is dangerous to you and not good for you.  This you already know.  Deep down.  You are starting to have healthier thinking because you are really questioning it rather than just trying to make it work.

See?  Progress.  

What I would love for you is a plan of some sort that will help you become an independent woman and not be with these men at all until you are absolutely sure you're pattern of abuse is broken.  What kinds of resources do you have available to you?  Could you get on govt. assistance and live alone? I would leave this man immediately as he sounds like he is dangerous.  This may mean moving to another location and doing so without his knowledge of where you go.  But I would consider this.  

And once you are in a new place, set up . . .  perhaps you can get resources to begin some type of job training.  

I know that probably sounds overwhelming and a lot. But if you make a list that your boyfriend will NOT find and begin working on it, it is very possible.  peace and good luck

[annemarie2786]

Thank you both for your replies made some sense of them.
I have tried to talk to the hostel I was in but they have advised me to try find somewhere else because he knows where that place is and he will try finding me.
They can protect me and call the police if he turns up but there main concern is if I'm out and he see's me I also had a conversation with the police officer that I called and he is refering me to a domestic abuse service that can try help me get out safely.
But in the mean time I'm stuck here don't know what to do dernt even talk to him as get shouted at.
I never thought any of this would happen its tearing me apart inside when he is sober he can be really nice but he won't do a detox as thinks I will cheat if he is away he has been in bed for 3 days now really ill with his pancreatitis and blood clot all through his alcohol abuse and won't go hospital because thinks I will cheat or leave.
I used to see a therapist due to my difficult childhood and was due to see a mental health worker but he wouldn't let me go so I will be seeking help from all these again when get away I know I need to go and I will I just need to find somewhere and get out safely.
I hope I don't sound to pathetic and put you off messaging back I really do appriciate your comments and support thanks again

[Nighthawk61]

You are so confused I think you need to go back to the shelter, set the reset button and find someone there in charge to talk to. See if you can get to see a therapist. I think maybe you had a hard time growing  up and maybe don't have the support of a good family. Am I right? For some kids, it's a bad idea to go home because that's where they learned to be messed up in the first place. Of course, if you have a safe family to go back to, i would suggest you do
You need to talk to a therapist. The fact that you're entertaining a notion of being there to get pregnant, and bring some poor child into this mess is a really good indication you need lots of help, fast.

Either way, you sound like you need to go to college. After you get some sort of counseling that brings you back to the real world, you'll need to next talk to an Education Counselor at a college. Maybe you'll need to start by getting your GED. Then you can concentrate on getting a career for yourself, so that you can feel pride in yourself. That's what you need to do in order to stop you from having low self esteem. Once you put in some energy into doing the right thing, and have a therapist in the wings, it' will be a lot harder for you to throw it all away on somebody who doesn't care about life. at all. That's why he's willing to consider ending it, in my opinion, because he may not be that invested in his own life. He may have not put too much into his own life, so it' easy to throw away.

You need to stay as far away from this guy as you possibly can. He will find someone else to play head games with, you'll see (hopefully you'll never hear from him again). Let her have him , and you go the way of the "normal" people ,who plan for their lives by working. Working at school, at a job. Planned parenthood. Planned vacations, Retirement Funds, Bank Accounts, etc etc. Chances are you don't have a moment to waste.

Please protect yourself from pregnancy, (and your baby) until you have all the things in place that good people have before they would even consider having a child. There are enough messed up kids out here, you don't need to add another one to the pile. Do it right. Don't you want to be an old lady ,knowing that you did right by your kids, and grand kids? Too many people think that having a cute little baby is going to fix everything. How wrong they find they are. You can't miss the planning stage of your life, and expect to have a good one.

Start planning girl. Please give the shelter a call and let them know that you need their help, not just in having a roof over your head for awhile, but some real help. They are equipped to help you get into school, an apartment, and probably therapy, if the intake workers aren't therapists themselves. Best of luck. I'm here if you need to talk. Please keep posting , you don't have to be alone with this.

[Yesidid]

Anne Marie this is a bad situation and you know it.  Get out now while you can. Why are you on the internet looking for answers? You know the answers. You do not want and do not deserve to live a life of abuse. People like this do not change overnight and usually do not change ever. Leave now. This threat to kill himself is another sad attempt to control you. It is not your responsibility to keep him alive and safe - it's his. But it is your responsibility to keep You alive and safe. Run sweet girl. You deserve to be treated with love and you will not get that here.