Sex? A beautiful thing? - Getting married soon & am scared of affection.

[AussieKitten81]

Hi everyone.
I just thought I'd start by saying this is a fantastic website full of great advice.
My story:  I was sexually abused by my father for many years as a child, and I've been back and forward to councellors for years.  I am at a happy place in my life at the moment as I am getting married soon to the most wonderful, caring lover a girl could ask for.  But my problem is I'm afraid of affection. Sure I love kissing and hugging him, but I tend to pull away when he goes to kiss or hug me.  We have "played around" with each other a few times before but we both agreed to stay virgins until the wedding night.  I want to give him love and affection, I really do.  But a part of me feels so dirty and wrong.  I guess I am just really worried about the wedding night because I want it to be one of the best experiences of my life.  But a part of me has grown up thinking that sex and affection towards the opposite sex is a bad, disguisting and dirty thing.  We are both christians, and in a way we were both brought up to believe that sex is a really bad thing if you are not married.  I haven't been to a church service yet were it explains that sex is a beautiful loving act.  Sex just isn't spoken about in church.
But yeh what I'm basically saying is how do I learn to enjoy sex and affection?
I feel really bad for my hubby 2 b, but he has been very understanding of everything, and knows about my abuse.  He has told me many times that we won't do anything that I am not comfortable with.  I really do love him and I want to please him on the night, and into my marraige.  I want to believe that sex can be a beautiful thing.

[Dalubaba]

Satisfactory sexual intercourse with you permanent partner is a spiritual phenomena.
You both should approach the act as if exploring a pleasant adventure.
Read good books on Sex. You will find number of good techniques.Every day you will learn something.wish you best of luck.

[12gauge]

In addition to my last post, I'll suggest this:

On your wedding night, I'm sure that he'll be anxious, just the same as you.  Maybe for the same reasons, maybe for different ones.  

What is important here is not sex.  What is important here is for you two, together, to share a lasting memory.  It will be one for you both, regardless of whether or not you choose it to be.  BUT, let's not let this sound fatal.  The two of you can decide how it goes.  You want it to be happy, full of love, full of faith.  I'm certain that your husband will feel the same.  Tack down those things in your own mind that make you feel comfort with your "soon to be husband."  Do those things.  I'm thinking out loud, but if "simply holding him close" is comforting, do that.  Make that a special night, but don't worry about it being "special."  It will be special in the end.  

If things happen that you're "now worried about," take them slow.  If it doesn't seem right to you, then stop and tell your husband.  If you two work together through this, he will see, and you will see.  In the end, you'll both have a much more pleasurable life together.  Life isn't about sex.  Trust me.  It will all come to you.

Again, trust in your faith in God.  He will see you through this, and I know that you've already been comforted by him.  :) God does wonders, now doesn't he?  

I almost feel in my own heart, that this message has met you in a time of joy in yours, being one felt by the love and compassion of God himself.  Trust in him.  He can move mountains after all, can't he?  

The best of luck to you and your husband.  I wish you joy for all to come.  Keep an open relationship with your husband.  That will be a great beginning to the joy yet to come.  

[12gauge]

Number one, I feel for you deeply.

My wife was sexually abused when she was younger.  She still has not yet told me to what extent.  We have (at one time) enjoyed a happy sex life together.  That is a long story.  

Please consider that you are comparing apples to oranges.  I know this may sound rude.  Please forgive me if it does.  That certainly is not my intent.

God did intend for husband and wife to enjoy happy lives together.  Part of this is sex... But more importantly, this is intimacy - note, this does not necessarily include sex.  Be honest with your soon to be husband.  Work through this together.  You will soon be able to enjoy what you fear.  Don't worry so much about it.  Just work through it.  Together, you two will find complete joy in each other, and no, this is not limited to sex.  This is about life.  

Pray to God.  He can and will help, you know this all too well.  He will console you in your time of need.  He will see you through your own fears.

I have great respect for both you and your husband about your dedication to your own beliefs.  Take those to heart, and remember those when that time comes.  You have held onto something for HIM and he has held onto something for YOU.  Those things are precious.  Perhaps they are complicated by other things that have happened to you in your own life.  But, those things that have haunted you are much different than what God has granted to you and your husband.  It is unfortunate, and unpleasant... Keep faith.

Pray, and you'll find consolation.  Your God will not fail you.  You already know this.

take care for now.  try not to fret.  

[jml1986]

It is not easy and anyone who tells you it is is lying. It takes a very special man to even put up with a person that has been abused. My husband stuck through it with me through the good the bad and the ugly. There were nights I would actually beat him up in my sleep. He would just wake me up and hold me until I calmed back down. There were times when there was no way I could even think about having sex with him, or even stop in the middle of sex and he would just tell me it was okay and hold me. This was not something that just lasted a month or two, this last at least the first five years. I even told him more then once he should walk away, and he said he would never do that. Thankfully it did get better, but it was a tough road to walk down before we got there.

[RachelVaughn]

I just want to say that this story touched me becuase I have the EXACT situation in my life..I love my hubby but yet i dont want him to touch me and im not the way i should be about sex...I need help to but understand that it is not that easy to get over it.

[jml1986]

I can only speak for myself, but I was sexually abused several times as a young girl, and when I met my husband, he had to be the most understanding man in the world. Sex was not easy for me, but with love and patience, I am able to have a very good sex life with my husband. No, it was not easy, and yes there were times it could not be done, but it did get better and I can now say that we have been married for 27 years, and sex is better now then it has ever been. The only advice I would give you, is to trust your husband that he will help you through this. You won't be sorry.

[jo929]

It sounds like you are a nice sensible person, and i think you will find that the  marriage councler or minister will tell you what goes on in the bedroom is  between you and your husband and no-one else as you will be a couple and will want to please each other and these feelings have nothing to do with the church this is between you and your hubby try to have a good and wonderful life , and start on a new path nd let the ole memories go. if you just think how much pleasure you can give your husband maybe you can let go of the past  luck  jo

[treazzure007]

sex is a natural act.  i believe that everything will come to you as you go along, as well as a new boost of womanly confidence!  in time, when you are ready the web is full of resources of how to add some spice and more fun ideas in the bedroom.  

[AussieKitten81]

Hi everyone thanks for your comments. Just to clarify the churches I am referring to are the ones my hubby to be and I grew up in, where sex was basically a bad thing.  We are both in a fabulous church at the moment, but I have never heard the subject of sex being preached there.  
My hubby to be is most certainly looking forward to our sex life together and often gives me cheeky grins or makes a cheeky comment or playfully brushes his hand against my bum. I want to be able to please him and allow myself to be pleased, but my experience as a child has made me view sex to be a dirty thing. His faith does mean alot to him and mine to me, and as christians we have mutually decided to stay virgins until we are married.
I have worked so hard to come this far in my recovery so I need to have faith in myself that I can work to overcome this too.  I just want my wedding night to be really special.
There is a female pastor at church that I'd be able to talk to.  Maybe its an idea.  I guess I need to know what christian sex is, and how God views sex.

[jo929]

It does sound like you have a great guy, and it is good that you both are christians but after marriage christian or not, once the loving starts, it will be hard  for the husband to stop the  lovemaking, it will be a-part of your life, and sex can be a wonderfull experience, if you let it be, or you can believe as you say your church believes that it was not meant to be enjoyed, also i do think you are in the wrong church, as i went to church, and also talked with the minister before marriage, and he said man and women were meant to enjoy each other in the marriage bed, but if you let these ole feelings you have get in the way you will have no pleasure, nor will your husband i recommend you talk with another minister, if you both believe that sex was not meant to be enjoyed, also you asked how you, learn to enjoy sex ans lovemaking, if you love your husband enough and put the abuse behind you, you will think of ways to lease him, as he will think od ways to please you Talk with a marriage counsler, or if you feel you are ready trust you instincts sex can be wonderfull if you let it   luck  jo

[RockRose]

Aussie,  the thing is,  like people attract.  You sound like you've found a very  "like" guy,  as Margy says,  a "good-un".

You've found a partner.  You're 26,  and I'm presuming he's your age or a little older,  and he's a virgin.  He's not interested in sex any more than you are.  

I think you need to reconcile yourself to that.  And that may be exactly the kind of partner you're after.  I think you need to realize you aren't getting a guy who is rarin' to go on the wedding night - in fact,  he's as willing as you are to pass on a red hot active sex life.  

But he has found a match with you - and he's a kind,  caring loving man,  and he wants to make a life with you.  You sound like  a match.

[margypops]

Sounds like you found a good-un  I think by discussing it with him is the way to go and I am sure as he knows about your childhood he will be patient ,main thing is you love each other and most of the Physical love will come naturally ,so if it didnt work on the first night thats okay ,I doubt he will go running home, give it time, when you have been through a Trauma as you did it is reasonable to feel afraid, but on reading your Post one can tell the love you feel for him, so simply 'go with the flow,' Possibly ask him to take a while to get to the' Main"issue and then you will want to carry on to 'dessert" I am trying to be delicate. Good Luck Hey and have some fun its about that aswell.