Aa
I am ready to talk about it
I was abused in every way possible by multiple persons at different times in my life. I will start with my father. My parents believe in corporal punishment. If you do anything wrong- you are beaten with a belt or anything else they can find at the moment. My mother even threw stones at me because i refuse to go for strap. I think she was just frustrated with her life and the one he children were living. My father is 15 years older than my mother and he has been with her since she was thirteen years old. He beats her in front of us and sometimes chopped at her with a machete that he had.
To this very day i am afraid of anything with a blade. I can recall one night my mom came home, my father was there when she came. the rain was falling really hard and he insisted that no one should open the door for my mom. I went anyway because i could not stand the thought of her being outside in the rain. He came around and saw me opening the door and punched me in the eyes till it bled.The he proceeded to chop at her with his machete ( he was drunk) My mother grabbed me and we had to run to another friend's house for protection.
We hardly went to school also because my mom had to work in the days to put food on our table. He would ensure that he never send us to school and uses whatever money is there to buy his drinks and smoke. In fact he told me that he would spend his money so that i could become better than him. He owns forty acres of land that is fruitful in every sense of the word- i mean anything he plants on that land grows, but he never gave us a dime. he spends on other women and their children. When my mom came home he would beat her up and take her money away. Most nights she had to sleep on the floor even when she was pregnant ( although it was her bed).
I used to have nightmares of him killing my mother and then hurting us too. I would wake up in the middle of the night wet in sweat from fear and anxiety. That was when i was about 10 years old. Today i cannot be alone with him in a room because I am truly afraid of him ( I am 24 now).
Now whenever somebody gets mad at me i begin to think that they are going to hurt me then i get reallt fearful of them. It is really hard living this way especially since no one arund me seems to understand and thinks i am just being sill, but this fear is very real and i am so tired of being afarid all the time.
He has stopped drinking and smoking but is now taking on the habit of gambling. He does not beat my mother anymore and i guess this is due to the fact that she started hitting him back. He is much nicer now and I think it’s because I have not turned out the way he expected so he wants money ( I am a college grad).
This is just one part of the story. I just want to get pass this
To this very day i am afraid of anything with a blade. I can recall one night my mom came home, my father was there when she came. the rain was falling really hard and he insisted that no one should open the door for my mom. I went anyway because i could not stand the thought of her being outside in the rain. He came around and saw me opening the door and punched me in the eyes till it bled.The he proceeded to chop at her with his machete ( he was drunk) My mother grabbed me and we had to run to another friend's house for protection.
We hardly went to school also because my mom had to work in the days to put food on our table. He would ensure that he never send us to school and uses whatever money is there to buy his drinks and smoke. In fact he told me that he would spend his money so that i could become better than him. He owns forty acres of land that is fruitful in every sense of the word- i mean anything he plants on that land grows, but he never gave us a dime. he spends on other women and their children. When my mom came home he would beat her up and take her money away. Most nights she had to sleep on the floor even when she was pregnant ( although it was her bed).
I used to have nightmares of him killing my mother and then hurting us too. I would wake up in the middle of the night wet in sweat from fear and anxiety. That was when i was about 10 years old. Today i cannot be alone with him in a room because I am truly afraid of him ( I am 24 now).
Now whenever somebody gets mad at me i begin to think that they are going to hurt me then i get reallt fearful of them. It is really hard living this way especially since no one arund me seems to understand and thinks i am just being sill, but this fear is very real and i am so tired of being afarid all the time.
He has stopped drinking and smoking but is now taking on the habit of gambling. He does not beat my mother anymore and i guess this is due to the fact that she started hitting him back. He is much nicer now and I think it’s because I have not turned out the way he expected so he wants money ( I am a college grad).
This is just one part of the story. I just want to get pass this
You may be experiencing that talking just for the sake of talking does bring things back - but without a way to disappate them at the same time. Have you tried to find a counselor or minister? It takes a lot of them to find one that's right for you, so it's important to not think it's your fault if a whole bunch don't feel right. The source of help is out there.
There's a book for sexual abuse that is so good on the essense of abuse that it can be helpful for anyone. The Courage to Heal. It's a powerful book and it's important to go through it very slowly. If it also triggers for you without healing - then stop and wait until you've found other help and are ready for it. There's a workbook and exercises described in the book.
Maybe focus on the healing activities first and explore those and only when you feel good at that try bringing other thoughts back. By healing activities, there are so many ideas out there, particularly new age. Draw what you would like to be feeling (called Indian mandelas)...yoga to find peace...find child to volunteer to play with and reconnect to happiness that was missing... There's something called shamanic drumming (google The foundation for shamanic studies) that if there's a group near you can be done without saying what you're working on. TiChi or TiGong exercise that adds a flow of energy. Buy some watercolors or colored pencils and start drawing whatever comes to mind, both happy and sad. As you try things you'll meet people and can ask for referrals to therapists or what they've used to heal or listen to their stories without telling yours and realize you aren't alone. It's hard work to find the path to healing. But as you start randomly, it starts to reveal itself.
Already you know something you didn't before you started writing. You know that just writing the story on the forum is a way to bring stuff back up, but doesn't have enough healing component to it. So now you can look for the next piece to try and you have a bit of knowledge to guide you. ...See? It's not easy. But it works.
If new age isn't your thing, then a religious venue can work. Taking a piece of pain and asking your minister how to pray to help it (without telling him the details) or other ideas he may have. Taking a trip you've always wanted to, especially if it has a religious connection can give you room to heal.
Hope this helps get you started on the next steps in your path...
There's a book for sexual abuse that is so good on the essense of abuse that it can be helpful for anyone. The Courage to Heal. It's a powerful book and it's important to go through it very slowly. If it also triggers for you without healing - then stop and wait until you've found other help and are ready for it. There's a workbook and exercises described in the book.
Maybe focus on the healing activities first and explore those and only when you feel good at that try bringing other thoughts back. By healing activities, there are so many ideas out there, particularly new age. Draw what you would like to be feeling (called Indian mandelas)...yoga to find peace...find child to volunteer to play with and reconnect to happiness that was missing... There's something called shamanic drumming (google The foundation for shamanic studies) that if there's a group near you can be done without saying what you're working on. TiChi or TiGong exercise that adds a flow of energy. Buy some watercolors or colored pencils and start drawing whatever comes to mind, both happy and sad. As you try things you'll meet people and can ask for referrals to therapists or what they've used to heal or listen to their stories without telling yours and realize you aren't alone. It's hard work to find the path to healing. But as you start randomly, it starts to reveal itself.
Already you know something you didn't before you started writing. You know that just writing the story on the forum is a way to bring stuff back up, but doesn't have enough healing component to it. So now you can look for the next piece to try and you have a bit of knowledge to guide you. ...See? It's not easy. But it works.
If new age isn't your thing, then a religious venue can work. Taking a piece of pain and asking your minister how to pray to help it (without telling him the details) or other ideas he may have. Taking a trip you've always wanted to, especially if it has a religious connection can give you room to heal.
Hope this helps get you started on the next steps in your path...
The nightmares have started again and now i am depressed more than ever. I think that talking about it is bringing back stuff to my subconcious that i have repressed. I dont know what to do.
Part of healing from bad experiences is learning that we do not wear them on our foreheads. There is no sign telling other people that these things happened to you. You really are in control of that. Learning to open up to other people (as naked and vulnerable as it makes you feel) is part of that process - of eventually realizing that the past affects us as much as we allow it (to some extent). Focussing on what you *can* control may help to alleviate the weight of these experiences for you. Don't give up on opening up. Take your time and recognize that even little steps with learning to trust people again will go a long way. Don't let bad experiences slow you down.
My mom was not not married to my dad until she was about 29 years old, nine months after we were born( My sister and I). The thing is that in my country things like this happens all the time ( older men having relationship with younger women). It is a sickening sight but it happens, the law only do so much and no more. I do not have a suport group and i basically do not trust anyone to speak to them concerning these matters. I tried once and ended up not talking to the person after because i felt so vulnerable and naked before him. It is crazy i know but i hate pity and i hate feeling helpless. My father made me feel that way for many years and i seriously do not want to go there again.
How very sad and frustrating. Please do keep writing about it...until you are ready for the next step, some counseling to help you put this where it belongs. Which is outside your body and your life.
Some people aren't able to be parents inspite of the biology...whether it's because they were damaged the past or that they are simply missing something basic inside.
Can you try a support group or a writer's group to help you explore this stage of just talking about it? Was this part of a religious organization (you mention your mom being 13 and married)? Is there a group outside of it of people who have left that you might relate to? Sometimes support groups are tremendouly helpful and sometimes they are negative places...so each one you have to try out and see.
Best of success as your explore and go through this first step!
Some people aren't able to be parents inspite of the biology...whether it's because they were damaged the past or that they are simply missing something basic inside.
Can you try a support group or a writer's group to help you explore this stage of just talking about it? Was this part of a religious organization (you mention your mom being 13 and married)? Is there a group outside of it of people who have left that you might relate to? Sometimes support groups are tremendouly helpful and sometimes they are negative places...so each one you have to try out and see.
Best of success as your explore and go through this first step!
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