how to get over past abuse?

[munch89]

Hi Im new to this site so Please bare with me I've never done this before. I just turned 22 four days ago. When I was 15 I got into a relationship with this guy who was 23. It started out well and within a matter of weeks I was totally smitten. About a month into the relationship we had our first big argument he lost his temper and he hit me. He apologized after and said it was the first time he had ever done anything like that and swore it wouldn't happen again. It did. I was living with my parents at the time but didn't feel comfortable telling them about it. I wore clothes that would hide any marks that I had and that was that. It got worse as time went on and I tried to break up with him several times but they all ended the same way with him getting angry and hurting me. He would then apologise and beg me to give him another chance and I always did because I felt sorry for him. I don't know why I did, I just did. About 8 months into the relationship he forced himself on me in the back of his car. Soon after I found out that I was pregnant and when I told him he demanded I get an abortion. When i refused he punched me repeatedly in the stomach and kneed me in the back. I later had a miscarriage. After just over a year I broke up with him in a public place surrounded by my friends. 2 weeks later he ran me over with his car and got arrested and spent 9 months in prison. I haven't seen or spoke to him since even though he has contacted one of my friends via messenger with threats towards me.
At first I got on with my life however I began drinking everyday and would throw myself at any man who made me feel special and it all ended very badly but for that I can only blame myself.
I now have a beautiful little girl and life is going better but all these memories just haunt my mind I just can't get them out of my head. I can't talk to my friends or family and ive considered therapy I even booked an appointment through my doctor but just couldn't bring myself to go. I've been on and off anti-depressants for nearly 2 years now and don't know what to do anymore. I want the memories to go away and not to feel so angry.
Sorry for babbling on i just hope that talking to people here might help me find ways of dealing with it.

Thank you for your patience, it is appreciated.

[Ida215]

Hello,
I know what you are going through. I too had an abusive relationship. I really never did anything while he hit me, I even made excuses for my bruses and black eye; until the day he hit my son. The police was called, even after that he only got arrested because he threaten the police. I decided to leave him, not because of me but because of my son.

What I am trying to say is ... no matter how many years go by -the memories will alwasy be there. You just have to focus on the positive things in your life. You must continue to be strong for your daughter. Your first strength was to admit it, then you left him, and now you are a mother. You are a strong person who has survive a tramatic event in your life. Think of that emotion and time as part of an hurdle that you jumped and now you continue running...

After I left my husband, it took a while for me to forgive him. I knew that every relationship after me, he continued to abuse the women. He finally realized and admitted that he was drinking and this would alter his emotions. I still speak to him on the phone and we share many if not all of our thoughts, problems and so on... but i still fear being alone with him and I told him this. so for this reason I choose not to be alone with him and he has chosen to accept that. I have seen him on several occasions and he as been around my children BUT NEVER ALONE..

Again, you are a strong woman and mother. I know it is hard but you must think of yourself as a survivor and you will be okay... Note-- I personally believe in counseling but not psychiatrist... I don't like medication although it helped my daughter when she was so depressed that she wanted to committ suicide. This is a whole different story...

I hope I was able to help. Write back ..

[margypops]

from what you describe and being a drinker putting friends first it sounds like he wasnt going to change too much so its good you are getting a fresh start, yes you have the little one, she will be a great comfort.No one ever thought getting over' abuse if that was possible ,was easy, its learning to live with it and accept that it did happen and you cannot change it that will help you. Could it be you need to keep that brain box busy so you get into a habit of not dwelling on the past .Have you made some friends you could be lonely,you have found us here now and trust me this is a good place to be ,,as maybe you have seen there are many forums/groups  and folks could use some chatting to .  

[munch89]

hi rockrose my parents were aware of my boyfriend and his age which understandably they were very angry at and they forbid me to see him and grounded me for a while. however when i refused to stop seeing him it caused a rift and i went off the handle a bit. I put them through a lot of things that i now wish i hadnt i was just a typical teeneager who wanted to prove her parents wrong i guess and do want i wanted no matter what pain it caused to others. i was selfish. i never told them what was going on during the relationship however after the car accident my dad was the one who picked me up from hospital and he was there when i gave my statement at the police station. my two friends who were there who had witnessed what had happened mentioned that he hit me and when my dad tried to talk to me about (again angry) i said nothing. I'm sorry i should have mentioned this in my earlier post.
As for earlier abuse there was nothing. I had a great childhood full of holidays great christmases, a childhood which a lot of people would probably wish for. I was bullied in school but to no great extent just typical name calling mostly due to being over-weight in my school days. I've always been a very quiet person i dont know why thats just who ive always been. I shy away from anything remotley uncomfortable when it comes to conversation with my parents. my sisters have always been very open with them im just different.

thank you for your post

[munch89]

Hi margypops thank you for the reply. For a long time I thought I had accepted it and that I was ok. I try not to think about it but the thoughts are always there when everything goes quiet, especially when I try to go to sleep. My daughters father and I separated in February, he was a bit of a drinker and we always came second behind alcohol and his friends. He would always look the proud father in front of his family but behind closed doors he couldn't be bothered to do anything for/with our daughter so i left and we are now living back with my parents. It was during that 3 year relationship that all this came back but even now its over it won't go away. I love my daughter very much and when I'm with her everything is ok and my head is clear. but when she goes to bed its there. I understand that therapy could help but I can't seem to say what happene out loud

[margypops]

Hi munch you can never change what happened to you at a very young age ..you can get to the point where you accept it did happen but determine that it wont ruin the rest of your life, as you say you have a wonderful little girl so does this mean you are in a real good relationship? The memories are thoughts that come into your head , so apart from getting some therapy I suggest that you do not over react to the negative thoughts about the past,if you dwell on what happened to you it will eat you up, the answer lies in acceptance and dismissal of the thoughts .I read a book a few years ago that I thought very helpful its by a man called Richard Carlson called 'Slowing down to the Speed of Life' he says ' Its impossible to experience any negative feeling without first creating a corresponding negative though.The truth is ,our thinking will always create the reality we perceive ." So go for the therapy, focus on what is happening in your life now,and your family good luck

[RockRose]

munch,  I strongly suspect your abuse didn't start with this man when you were 15.  At this point,  your parents were apparently completely unaware of what you were doing with your time.

Before this man,  when did the abuse start?   I think that's what you need to address,  and go back to,  and then move on from that earlier point.