Abusive Ex Boyfriend

[kmb22]

I was with my ex boyfriend for about 2 years....we broke up in march of 09' so almost a year ago.  it wasn't even a break up.  i was pregnant and he slashed me with a 12 inch machete and then almost choked me to death.  He went to jail and a restraining order was put in effect immediately.  I lost the baby.  I never talked to him after that night and only saw him in court and here and there around the county i live in (i hide when i see him) i am petrified of him.  He also broke my nose in three places and shattered my cheek bone amongst tons of other incidences i don't feel like re-hashing.   i also became heavily addicted to pain pills during our relationship because i had to have many surgeries to fix all the damage he was doing to my body. Anyway i am 46 day clean of pills.  after we broke up i was a mess for a while and in counseling a program called advocates against victims of assault.  i went to group sessions and a couple of individual ones for 3 or 4 months.  and i felt better and moved on or thought i did.  the thing is i can't stop thinking about him and i wake up in the middle of the night remembering him hitting me.  i am in a cold sweat and hyper ventilating.  and sometimes i lay in bed at night and feel my face and my nose and remember the night he closed fist punched me in the face and how scary it was and i can't sleep.

i also have not been able to get close to any man since my ex.  i have dated guys or i should say guys have tried to date me unsuccessfully.  i just end up pushing them away.  and it's not because i am scared they will hurt me....this is the totally screwed up part....it's because i cannot love them like i loved him.  it's not that we will ever get back together or that i want to or anything like that....like i said we don't even talk anymore, it's just because of the way that i loved him.

am i going to be alone forever?  what is wrong with me?  any advice is welcomed?

[margypops]

Takes time after such a trauma give it time... focus on your work, meet new friends dont focus on relationships you are not ready...but you will be... let yourself heal, take step back enjoy being you, work on the things that are important , it'll happen again ..sometimes it is a good thing to let the Dice fall where they may ...

[kmb22]

thank you everyone for your advice....i have not really dove in to my feelings or delt with this at all.  in fact i feel as if i have been looking in through a window at myself since we broke up.

i never thought that i would end up in an abusive relationship and stay with him for so long after so many attacks.

and i blamed myself and the way i am for mosty everything.

that's the thing though i don't want to date anyone...men make me sick now. relationships make me sick.  the thought of giving myself to someone ever again so they can hurt me makes me sick....

ughhh

[shay5171]

You are suffering from PTSD. It's VERY common after being abused like you were. I've suffered from it for over 30 years.
You'll learn how to deal with it and what your triggers are. You will learn to trust again. But, it won't happen overnight! Like someone said previously, you should give yourself time. Don't be in such a hurry to date again. DON'T stop counseling!! That needs to be your lifeline for awhile. Right now your definition of what is normal is kind of skewed.
The feelings you have for that man is NOT love. It's obbsesion. That's why abused women go back to their abusers so many times. I went back about 10 times before I got away. Because I "loved" him (actuall he had my self-esteem so low, I NEEDED him (or so I thought)).
This will be the toughest fight of your life.
Good luck, my dear.

[jo929]

My daighter was in an abusive marriage and had all of the same done to her and more, before she finally got away with the children, needless to say she had panic attacts and went to therapy for years, and still goes., but she has moved on he finally died than goodness, a horrible thing to say but he was a dope seller and many people died i know because of it, she said she used tto wake up screaming, thinking he was como\ing after her, so do not give up, but carry a small weapon ask the police about one a gas gun or something and also see that he gets the word if anything happens to you that you have left a letter with a laywer, and they will send him up for murder i am so sorry that you have went through this the time to get out is when you first see signs that one is an abuser basically an abuser is a coward and will pick on women one man tried that with me when i was young but that was it i gave as good as he gave and more, and as long as he lived he never threatned or even offered to hit me again, cant say what i did as this is a publc forum and it may not meet with  med helps approval i just decided after one beating it was going to be him or me and i knew i was not going to take it no i did not do away with him, but i had him beleiving it i was 5 ft tall weight 105 do not take anything from the bad guys, also there are good guys out there and if you date double date, also take the above advice and just lay off men awhile until you you get more confidence try to move forward and stay in therapy  luck  jo  

[specialmom]

I agree with Margypops.  The other issue you mention is that you feel like the love you had with him was intense and unlike other you have experperienced.  That is all part of an abusive relationship.  I think the best thing to do is to take a break.  Don't date.  You won't be alone forever----  but you need to focas on  yourself for the time being.  Continue counseling and pursue your own dreams.  A healthy relationship is much more apt to happen if you focas on you first.  Good luck

[margypops]

It seems to me that some more counselling is in order as you are still suffering from the effects of this Trauma ,dont lay in bed at night remembering the bad stuff,  I know its not easy however it is these thoughts that are making you panic and feel bad so do not over think, do not let your thoughts get out of hand , practise switching off the negative thoughts and focus on your life now .I knowthat seems too simple but anything is worth trying .Its impossible to experience any negative feeling without first creating a negative corresponding thought.The truth is our thinking will always create the reality we perceive .....Good Luck .