abuse everywhere i turn

[sobersister]

This post is not only very uncomfortable for me to write but also causes me great shame but I feel I need to open up or this will kill me. Well I was adopted by my aunt when I was 3 months old my mother was only 14 and she left me in a crib for 3 days alone in July in winter sleeper  my aunt came to visit one day back then in the 70's no one really locked doors thank God she didn't when my aunt came in the house she heard me crying and from that day I was her daughter I was about three or four and my aunt allowed mymother to come get me omg that was a mistake things where fine at first and then one day I remember I had a younger sister that lived with my mother she was in her walker and I was really hungry my mother was preparing some food I climbed up on a chair and reach on the counter my mother had a knife in her hand cutting some carrots before I knew I had a knife through my tiny hand she didn't have any sympathy she told me to go wash my handoff in the bathroom and she wasn't taking me to the hospital it was my fault to this day I still have the scar when I asked her about it when I became an adult she said she didn't remember it. But I have the scar to prove it . Moving forward when i was about 10 yrs old I remember my first sexual violation with a close member of the family I remember he came for a visit and I was hanging my clothes up in my closet and he came into my room I remember feeling is breath on my neck and his hand on my breast telling me how much I grown and touching my butt he told me it was our secret this was the worst feeling I ever felt. My relatives trusted him so much that my lil sister and I shared a room together we had two beds and they allowed him to sleep in my sisters bed during his stay and my sister and I shared a bed she slept at the head and I slept at the foot one night he came in smelling of alcohol I pretended to be sleep I guess I wasn't a good pretender because he whispered in my ear I know you're not sleep and proceeded to pull my nightgown up and panties down  and sodomized me I wish my Sister would have woke up but she didn't. Then when I was 12 my girl cousin started touching me and have sex with me.I was so confused and the violations continued with another girl family member then a couple of boy cousins I was so afraid no one would believe I never said anything I see all these people now they have moved on in their lives and I still feel like a dirty rag. I really didn't know how bad I was affected until adult hood when one of my bf  

[silverfox67]

   The hardest part of my journey was admitting to myself that I was not to blame.  The perpetrator is the bad guy  - not the child.  
    I hope and pray that you will remember that.  It is the first step towards healing.

     Be strong and remember that you are worthy of love, and respect.

[allmymarbles]

You are on the right track. Good luck and keep us posted.

[sobersister]

Thank you so much for your comment. The biggest person I have had to cut out of my life as been my mother. To this day she has stil not owned up to a lot of things she has done I love her but I know I have to love me more . I am going to find a therapist that specializes in childhood abuse especially sexual. I am hopeful and I'm going to give it a try.

[allmymarbles]

It would seem that sexual abuse was rampant in your mother's group, and maybe not even "abnormal" for them. This is not unheard of.

I hope you have cut all connections with those people. This is necessary if you are to feel comfortable in a healthy environment. You need to talk to a psychologist to help you recover from your bad sexual experiences. And you can recover. That is for sure.