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1261746 tn?1273959271

Need some advice!!!

I posted this on the PTSD forum too because I wasn't quite sure which one was more appropriate - I actually signed up with medhelp because of a perscription addiction that I'm trying to overcome, but the real root problem is my PTSD issues. I was doing pretty well for quite a while - taking meds but not out of control. I've always had a tendency to self medicate. I recovered from a heroin addiction as a teenager and that was all about numbing out too. I was diagnosed originally at age 12. Grew up with a mentally ill mom and a step-father who I believe has antisocial/sadistic personality disorder. Anyway it was a pretty brutal upbringing and I'm still not at a point where I can really face it. My step father got out of prison about a year ago and that's when I started spinning out of control and using more and more substances to get through. There have been several instances of contact/harassment and I really can't tell anyone about it. The guy I'm with knows a bit about my history but he would freak out if I told him what's going on now. I had been coping by staying SUPER busy and taking LOTS of pills but that all back fired and I almost died. I have to find another way to cope but I'm afraid I can't. Everyone expects me to be perfect and I can't keep up the act anymore. I feel like everything is crashing down. I've done therapy in the past but it seems to just make things worse. I just wish I didn't have to deal with it at all. Any advice would be appreciated because I'm really at the end of what I can handle.
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535822 tn?1443976780
Hi You are overwhelmed..its so hard and I am so sorry , I do believe when we get over whelmed we have to fight back, okay that sounds very easy and its not but it is the way ,you dont allow it to happen whatever is happening with the step father you have to let go of , take control of your life, not let it control you ..he is out of prison ..so has he come back into your life ,maybe bset not to be near him at all you can get a protection order is you are being harrassed .you dont have to be perfect none of us are ,pills are not the way unless they are food supplements that can help a lot ...Very often it is our thinking that makes us feel bad ...good luck and Pm for any more help ..
Helpful - 0
1032715 tn?1315984234
You really do need more counselling,I know it gets harder to cope while reliving our lives but eventually it does get easier as you deal with each issue on it's own,you also need to be honest with your counsellor and tell them everything,I know this is hard but it is necessary so you can move on,I have been where you are and at 48 I have only just dealt with everything.If you like I can PM you and talk some more about how I have finally worked through my feelings and emotions.Let me know if you want to talk I do know what you are going through.

Best Wishes  Denise
Helpful - 0
1261746 tn?1273959271
Thanks for the replies. I'm doing a little better. I've just been running from the situation and it felt like things were catching up with me - probably the lack of pills to make me not think about it. I'm also a bit emotional because I'm just coming off everything so everything seems more intense.
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973741 tn?1342342773
Hi, I think I would add a psychiatrist into the mix.  PTSD is treatable and a psychiatrist can help you through that.  If psychiatric medication is warranted for the ptsd, you should do talk therapy as well.  It IS very hard as it makes one look back on the terrible things and see how it affects us now.  But it is really the only way to move past it.  Getting clean from addiction is important as that just feeds the vicious cycle of depression, anxiety and stress.  I'd love for you to add some exercise into each day as this helps with emotional issues.  But please see a therapist and consider the psych to get real help that it sounds like you need.  It bothers me that you feel you have no one to confide in.  That is something to explore as I don't want you to feel isolated with this.  Best of luck and peace to you.
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1261746 tn?1273959271
I did have someone recomend a local addiction specialist/psychiatrist and I'm thinking about making an appointment. I'm just trying to avoid the med route because I always overdo them. The idea of talk therapy sounds impossible right now but that might get better. I also need to deal with the fact that I'm alway "pretending" around everyone. I feel like everyone has certain expectations of me that I don't measure up to and I end up feeling like a phony and like I'm alone despite having a lot of good people in my life. It has been nice to talk about things online lately. It's not something I've really done before but it seems to be giving me an outlet so I don't feel so trapped. I guess it's because no one knows me so they can't have any expectations for me to fall short of.
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Avatar universal
Dear you have suffered long enough.  I am very saddened by all that you have endured in
your life, in ways, I've also walked in your shoes.  I thought if anybody knew the real me they couldn't run from me fast enough.  I felt totally unworthy of even friendships.  I didn't know what it was to be loved or to feel safe anywhere.  I kept my abuse locked up tight in a mental closet, never to be opened lest I am totally destroyed.

This anguish is something no person deserves.  You have done nothing wrong.  The abuse was inflicted on you by this person, not because you were bad or caused it to happen.  You were the unfortunate victim this perpetrator had available to him to take out his sick perversions on.  You were there and you were innocent.  You are still innocent though he robbed you of your childhood.  You are not guilty of anything, I guarantee.

You will find the right time for you to enter therapy, and this is a must to make you whole again.  Interview as many therapists as you want to find the therapist who truly understands the kind(s) of abuse you endured and survived.  Some therapists are in this profession because they are also survivors.  Other therapists don't really understand.  They never experienced it.  When you find one you trust or like, it is ok to tell however much you are comfortable revealing.  Take baby steps.  Being that you have a drug issue to deal with as well you need to see a Psychiatrist who can work with you in getting off the bad stuff and maybe taking something like an antidepressant to help you cope instead.  They are not addictive.  Healing yourself whole again will help free you of needing to numb yourself, with drugs or mentally and physically.  You can do this!

In the meantime, file for a Protection From Abuse order against this person(s).  He cannot come near you, your home, your work, your school, he cannot telephone you, or write you, or email you, follow you, stalk you, or come anywhere near you than 500' or more.  You can simply call the police, tell them you have a Protection order against him and he is breaking it and he is on parole.  He will be looking at prison within minutes.  He will recieve a copy of the order and has no choiice but to obey it or go to prison again.  You do not need to endure his ugliness another minute.  If your mother has chosen to let him back into her home, then it will be up to her to come see you on your turf, without him.  Don't go anywhere where he may be at as you also have to abide by the rules of the PFA order.

Tell your boyfriend only as much as you feel comfortable with so that he can understand what the PFA is about and you will have his complete cooperation.  He has to know enough to be able to help you. I understand that you may fear he will leave you the second you tell him anything.  If he is worth any salt, he won't leave, but become very protective of you.  I thought my husband would be so disgusted with me that he would immediately throw me out of the house and run me out of town in shame.  Not so.  He was absolutely furious with my perpetrators and immediately started to understand why I behaved the way I did.  

I have had many years of counseling, and I have zero contact with my perpetrators by my choice.  I worked many years for a women's domestic violence help center and learned a lot about domestic violence in all its forms, for women and children, and men. Yes men are victims too.  I have been made whole again and happy and not afraid.  My husband is now my wonderful supporter of victims of domestic violence.  You too can be made whole again and never have to feel ashamed of yourself or that you are any less of a person than the person standing next to you.  You deserve to be happy, comfortable in your own skin, with your own thoughts, ideas, preferences, choices and decisions.  You deserved to feel good about your own body, it is beautiful, to be respected, to be proud of.  While you may not feel there is a God who loves you, I felt that way, there is.  God is sad about what happened to you, and he wants you to be happy again and rejoice in your life.  I am no religious bug, don't get me wrong.  But this I know.  Christina, the only way now is up.
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