Does My Wife Need Help? What Do I Do?

[jmknyc]

I've been married almost 3yrs. Before getting married my wife lived with relatives who she always complained about and said they treated her like $h!t. I will agree that they were not always nice, but I also saw that my wife would exaggerate things. So anyways, now married my wife does absolutely nothing. She does not cook or clean. Maybe cook once a month and only cleans when she knows we are having a house guest. She does not grocery shop, do laundry, clean dishes, take out garbage, work, contribute financially, or every want to have sex. She promised me children and now looks for every excuse not to have them. She does have an autoimmune disease which does make her tired and her medication makes her not interested in sex...so she says. Now hears the thing. I'm a doer and I do not mind doing these chores on top of working. My problem is that she shows no interest in anything but herself. I can't even have an adult conversation with her because anything she does not like she deflects and turns it into an argument.
She constantly says that everybody annoys her. Says I treat her like crap...keep in mind aside from all I do. Itry to spend time with her each day...ask her about her day, spend time watching tv withjust try to have an overall interactive life and communicate...I can live with all the above....what I can't live with is the following....
When we argue...she because irrational and violent...she will verbally abuse me...so I walk away, she will follow me and antagonize me til I shout back and when she doesnt like what I have to say, she will kick and punch me, knee me in the balls, spit in my face, threaten to stab herself with knives. She grabs all my possesions and breaks them. Tonight she broke a wallet of mine, the time before a $1,000 watch. She has broken a computer, sunglasses, a phone. I've done laundry and folded and she throws and tantrum and dumps all the dressers on the floor. Then says I care nothing about her feelings and what she has to say. How about my feeling and just wanting a normal life with a job and a family...that's all I want! I love her so much, but her entire life she lived off her parents and relatives, now me. She does not contribute to anything in this relationship and quite frankly I can't seeing my divorcing her, because I love her and want her to be better, but If I knew what I was getting in to ...I would have never married her. I am misserable, have gained weight, and just don't have the same appreciation for things like I used to. She thinks people says things they never said. She twists things around...for example she was being mean and abusive and so I said I really don't give a **** about what you have to say...her response...i knew it...you just finally admitted it, you don't care about me, you never did, you don't love me. Really???? Is she friggin crazy? But somehow and some way, I am always to blame, its always my fault and I am selfish and care about nothing but myself. Please keep in mind that I am a very honorable and kind person and very likeable...please help me. Thank you all for your time...I am greatful.

[Nighthawk61]

I think that you need help first. Possibly you talking to a therapist will allow you the closure you need to be able to walk out the door, and find a suitable mate to have a family with. That should be your first priority.

You are enabling this behavior by allowing for it. and it's not helping this girl. Having her learn that her behavior is unacceptable may help her to grow, or it may motivate her to find another one that will enable her further. There's no telling, but it would be optimal if you were safely living in a way that invites others to surround you with love and affection.

I wish you the very best, and hope that you keep us in the know about how you're doing along the way.

[evewisewoman]

I read your posting and most of the replies. This woman you call your
wife is an abuser.  I don't have to tell you she is abusing you verbally,
physically, emotionally, psychologically. She is taking advantage of
your kind nature. You say you're a doer and a giver. She's a taker.
She does nothing to contribute to this relationship and I mean nothing.
The way she is treating you is not loving. I'm sorry to say this, but she
doesn't love you. These are not loving actions. These are very spiteful,
mean, vengeful things she is doing besides destroying your property.
This is no way to live. It must be like walking on egg shells being around
her. You have a choice.  I would suggest separating from her and
the sooner the better. This woman needs serious counselling and from
the sound of it , she would never agree to it because after all you are
the cause of her problems. ( I don't believe this, but this would probably
be her rationale).  I will be honest with you.  I got a divorce from my
ex husband because he was verbally abusive, majorly immature,
jealous for no reason whatsoever and a borderline alcoholic.
I realized one day I had a choice too and being around him was like
walking on egg shells and everything was my fault, so we separated
and a year later we got divorced and this was in our fifth year of marriage.
I wouldn't waste another moment of my life with this abusive woman
who will wear you down if you don't leave her. You don't have to live
with this woman who makes your life a living hell. There is no way that
you can be happy in this relationship and whatever you do , don't bring
a child into your loveless marriage for your sake or you will be trapped.
It's time to think of yourself. You deserve a better, happier, peaceful
life. I wish you strength and courage to leave this relationship.  Eve

[MizAnngee]

1st of DO NOT bring a child into this situation!!!!! 2nd could it be her meds causing these mood swings or does she maybe have a psychiatric disorder like bipolar or personality disorder? Or is she just a spoiled brat? Not trying to be harsh but you need to put yourself 1st here as you are being abused and yes as a man you can be abused! This relationship is very unhealthy on so many levels and you may just need to cut your losses and move on and if her family thinks that she's not  treating you good, vet them on board with your separation plan so she has a support system

[Luciee_clarke]

This sounds so mean I I was you I would tell her to get up and sort herself out or to get out considering she does not work she could at least do a chore or two it's not going to kill her and yes I will be hard trying to tell her but this is not the women that you fell in love with like you said if she was like this you wouldn't have married her good luck in what ever ou choose to do x

[Life360_Dave]

Hi also, maybe the medication is effecting her more than you realize. It appears she has no interest in life. She needs to develop some talents that bring out her creative side. Maybe she can take some art classes at a junior college to spark her interest in life again.

[nursegirl6572]

Absolutely agree with SM.  It sounds like your wife needs some pretty serious professional help.  The unfortunate thing is, if she's not open to that or willing to even discuss it let alone DO it, there's nothing you can do.  SHE has to help herself.  If you stay, I fear that you will just continue this pattern of misery.  I know you've been trying to overcome all of the bad and "love" your wife better, but I think all that's happening is it's becoming more and more unhealthy and toxic.

My advice to you would be to try one more time, sit her down to have a serious talk.  Tell her kindly that you're very worried about her and very worried about the marriage, that you love her and want to see her get some help.  If she flies off the handle, walk away, don't try to reason with her.  If she's not open to the discussion (which I would predict based on what you've said), then I would encourage you to separate from your wife and start healing YOURSELF.

I give you a lot of credit for trying so hard, for so long.  Clearly, this has been pretty much a one way relationship, with you giving and her taking.  That's no way to live, for either of you!

Very best to you....stop back and update us, okay?

[specialmom]

Hi there.  I'm really sorry to hear of this situation!  Ya know, it sure seems like you are getting the raw end of the deal and she is lucky.  What are you getting out of this?  

I'm not sure I'd continue this relationship.  You carry the burden of everything and she doesn't even try.  

I really think you deserve better.  You've tried to make this work and she isn't making an ounce of effort and worse, makes you feel to blame.  

I'd consider separating to sort out your feelings (and then she'll have to do SOMETHING because she sounds like someone trying to be supported her whole life without doing a thing for herself) and maybe see a therapist on your own to see if there was anything you could have foreseen about this situation so you never get with a woman like this again!  

You sound like a good catch for someone and she is not appreciating you.  You definitely deserve better!  good luck

[thatquietgirl]

There's nothing you can do other than try to talk to her about seeing a therapist when she seems in a more agreeable mood.  From the sound of it, however, she may fly off the handle.  Unfortunately, you can't force her to get help.  You may need to separate and tell her you love her but cannot live with her until she gets help because she is abusive to you physically and emotionally.

I'm curious, though, if her talking bad about her relatives wasn't an early red flag about her childishness and anger problems.  Did she have reasons behind what she was saying or did she just rant on and on about how they're horrible?