Aa
what does this class as?
Hey everyone, I'm new to this forum. Right, I was with a guy for a couple of Weeks and I was a virgin. anyway, we ended up having sex, only I told him I didn't want to. However, I did not physical try and stop him. the pain was awful and this happened about 5 times until I broke it off. I don't want to class it as rape because I feel it was my fault for not trying to stop him physically. Thanks in advance
Good you have got it clear and I am sure next time it will be clearer to him , good luck
I definitely said no. But after i thought i didnt want to disappoint. He was such a nice guy in every other aspect. I guess it was just a huge misunderstanding. I did say no but didnt make it clear enough, andhe must have thought id changed my mind. Its settling to know it wasnt anything but statutory rape due to my age. I didnt want to think that of him. Thanks everyone for your comments. It all makes alot more sense to me now
I agree and Rock Rose has explained it well ,men do think differently ..they do need defined lines on limits..
The reply by RockRose should help you understand your complex feelings vis-a-vis your unpleasant sexual experience.
This is a problem with relationship sex. Several years ago the Austin Rape Crisis center worked with the leaders of sororities and fraternities to try to develop an education plan for campus date rape - and what became clear was men often can't tell when women are saying no. Truly, they can't tell.
From your description Emily you "didn't want to disappoint him and didn't want to be seen in a negative manner", so in fact, it doesn't sound like you said no at all. You just didn't say yes. And silence, to a guy, means you're good to go. Fine so far. If you don't want to go all the way to sex, and sexual behavior (kissing, caressing) has started, you need to draw a very clear unmistakable final line.
Because the reality is, I think all of us have had time we didn't want to have sex and said no, but then a spark lights an we change our mind, and then it's a yes. That's the nature of sex. Feelings come and go and change.
It doesn't seem you were clear with him, and you're not being clear now in this thread - in one post you admit you didn't want to disappoint him and be seen negatively, and the very next post you compare what happened to someone being beaten and not fighting back. Even your description of this act, four years later, is very conflicted and confusing.
I wish you well, and hope somehow in your mind you can resolve your conflicted feelings about this encounter.
From your description Emily you "didn't want to disappoint him and didn't want to be seen in a negative manner", so in fact, it doesn't sound like you said no at all. You just didn't say yes. And silence, to a guy, means you're good to go. Fine so far. If you don't want to go all the way to sex, and sexual behavior (kissing, caressing) has started, you need to draw a very clear unmistakable final line.
Because the reality is, I think all of us have had time we didn't want to have sex and said no, but then a spark lights an we change our mind, and then it's a yes. That's the nature of sex. Feelings come and go and change.
It doesn't seem you were clear with him, and you're not being clear now in this thread - in one post you admit you didn't want to disappoint him and be seen negatively, and the very next post you compare what happened to someone being beaten and not fighting back. Even your description of this act, four years later, is very conflicted and confusing.
I wish you well, and hope somehow in your mind you can resolve your conflicted feelings about this encounter.
The problem we are having is the definition of the word "rape." If the man involved does not threaten you or physically force himself on you, then it cannot be called rape. The only exception would be when the girl is underage (and consents) and the man is not. Even then it is called statutory rape.
Children that are molested often feel pleasant sexual stimulation during it --- does this not make it molestion?
I think if you didn't want to do it and asked him to stop and yet he didn't, this is date rape. Sadly, you allowed this to happen 5 times. I wish you hadn't gone back after the first time. Lesson learned---- there are those out there that could care less who they are with or if that person is into it or not, they'll use you for sex. And putting yourself in vulnerable situations is never a good idea.
I wish you luck in finding peace with this. It sounds like you were young and vulnerable emotionally at the time as well as physically. I'd work on making yourself strong in both of these areas. (big fan of the martial arts!) If talking to someone might help you, you could always see a counselor to work through any left over feelings you might have. good luck and peace to you.
I think if you didn't want to do it and asked him to stop and yet he didn't, this is date rape. Sadly, you allowed this to happen 5 times. I wish you hadn't gone back after the first time. Lesson learned---- there are those out there that could care less who they are with or if that person is into it or not, they'll use you for sex. And putting yourself in vulnerable situations is never a good idea.
I wish you luck in finding peace with this. It sounds like you were young and vulnerable emotionally at the time as well as physically. I'd work on making yourself strong in both of these areas. (big fan of the martial arts!) If talking to someone might help you, you could always see a counselor to work through any left over feelings you might have. good luck and peace to you.
"if you really meant no you would've resisted". this is a stupid comment. With physical abuse do people fight back or sit there and take it? I had no chance if I did try stop it. I was a 5'2 petite girl. Whereas he was a 6'4 built guy
I did mean it. I just wasn't ready but I guess I didn't want to disappoint him or be seen in a negative manner. I genuinely did not want to sleep with him. I just regret not doing more to stop it even though I did say no. and does anyone enjoy having sex when they have said no?!
Saying no and meaning it are two different things. If you really meant no you would have resisted, but you didn't. Your biggest regret may be that you did not enjoy it and that you did not love your partner. You broke it off without any problem, so the man was not violent.
If you had enjoyed the experience would you have called it rape?
If you had enjoyed the experience would you have called it rape?
I wouldn't call it your "fault" for not stopping it, as you say, and I do think that's time to stop seeing a guy who isn't fully intune to what you are accepting.
I do think, on the other hand, that it's up to the woman to make it completely clear if she doesn't want to have sex.
There is a confusing message in our culture that women resist either because it's exciting to them, or so they don't feel cheap and easy.
If you don't want to have sex, and you've been engaging in sex play, you need to make it VERY clear that it's time to stop. You don't have to be hostile, but saying "stop" very firmly and physically moving away from him with your strength is the way to send the message.
But I'm not sure why you feel you were at "fault" here. When a man treats you like that, don't go back for more. Although after 5 times, it's not really clear he had any idea you were resisting, imho.
I do think, on the other hand, that it's up to the woman to make it completely clear if she doesn't want to have sex.
There is a confusing message in our culture that women resist either because it's exciting to them, or so they don't feel cheap and easy.
If you don't want to have sex, and you've been engaging in sex play, you need to make it VERY clear that it's time to stop. You don't have to be hostile, but saying "stop" very firmly and physically moving away from him with your strength is the way to send the message.
But I'm not sure why you feel you were at "fault" here. When a man treats you like that, don't go back for more. Although after 5 times, it's not really clear he had any idea you were resisting, imho.
I certainly think he should have listened and stopped when you asked him to..I hope you dumped him fast, however it would be wise to make sure you are protected from STD's and having a baby at that time .
It's called "date rape." Have you gotten tested for STDs and pregnancy? What you decide to do about it is your choice, although I am sure it is hard to prosecute someone for date rape.
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