Was I sexually abused?

[arl1996]

This past summer I was visiting my best friend who lives in a different city than I do. Her and I were both 19 at the time. My parents have friends there too and since their house is more centrally located we stayed at my parent's friend's house. In the past, the husband and I have always been close. I was verbally abused by my step father growing up so I looked to the husband kind of as a father figure, seeking advice and just texting him any time I needed someone to talk to. It was never anything sexual. But the first night we stayed there his wife ended up having a concert to go to with her friend, and so it was just the husband, my best friend and myself. He ended up taking us to the grocery store and letting us pick out any alcohol that we wanted, so we both just got a six pack of beer, and he got one too. When we got back to the house we decided to put on a movie, and just drink and hang out. Over the course of the night I ended up having four beers in maybe an hour time frame, but my friend fell asleep. So it was just him and I for the rest of the night. I remember not being able to control my actions, and being really talkative, it was the first time I had ever drank, and he took me downstairs to get some water. But then he ended up touching my vagina, and I know I liked it but it was wrong so I asked him to stop. When he didn't I dropped to the ground and he got down and tried to put his penis in my mouth. I turned my head and he got back up and took me back upstairs and put me in bed, saying he'd wake my friend up and ask her to come in. I didn't really understand what was going on so I laid down, but he laid down too and started touching me inappropriately again. I don't remember if I asked him to stop or not, because I just kind of blacked out at that point, and when I asked my friend what happened the next day she just said she fell asleep and he woke her up and said I was sleeping in the guest room. She didn't make it seem like he had done anything to her, and we are close so I know she would have said something. That morning I flat out asked him if he had done anything to me, and he said we had to talk. But when I pulled him aside later he just said that I was all over him and begging him, which I know is not the case. I don't know what to do or if it's considered sexual assault, because I do remember liking it..but asking him to stop and him continuing.

[Nighthawk61]

I'm sorry this happened to you. This is pretty normal unfortunately, many men will prey upon young girl, or women, regardless of their age, how they meet them, or where they are. The same happened to me with my first boss, in his family home, during a barb b que, when i was 16 and his wife was out of the room. It happens all the time. If you drink more than one cocktail, or beer you're on your way to getting drunk, and if with any ne'er-do-well.. well on your way to being taken advantage of. If you sit down with someone that has the opportunity to put a pill in your drink that renders you "easy" that can happen to, whether it be in a bar , or in someones home who you think you can trust. Never leave your drink unattended. Another time, I was at a wake for our best friend Stan, who had died of leukemia at the age of 17. His father was from the old country, and as was his custom at least, offered the teenagers drinks. When this man's wife and children were in the other room, he tried to take advantage of me. It is in the nature of the beast I'm afraid. All you can do now is to truly understand the absolute harm you can come to when under the influence and cease and desist drinking to the point of ever remotely note being in complete control.

I think that you need a few older mentors. They say that a young person needs 4 or 5 adults in their life that they can trust to talk to. If you're in college, try seeing if there is a counselor you can talk to about the things that you felt the need to text this older man about. And even with a counselor, you have to hold them to a high professional standard and never put yourself in the position to be taken advantage of ( by anyone., EVER).  

Have you had the vaccine for HPV? It's important that you do prior to having any sexual contact. HPV can, depending on the strain, cause cancer in later years, and most people have this disease unknowingly and can pass it to you. There are also people that have Aids and HIV that purposely transmit it to others. I don't want you to be paranoid. Obviously not all people are so inclined, but there are many that will to varying degrees take advantage of you if you allow them any chance at all.  

The best thing you can do right now, is to pursue a degree or diploma and concentrate on a post secondary education, and if you're doing that now, Congratulations on making a fine decision for your future.

[Nighthawk61]

In short, yes, you were taken advantage of, to what degree, you will not know as you passed out. You could have gone to the hospital and had a rape kit done, and at the least been able to make this man accountable. However, it is too late now i'm sure. You could have said no, passed out, and then have been taken advantage of., or not. You can't know. All you can do NOW is to PROTECT YOURSELF.and CONTROL any sexual contact that you have. (including having the HPV vaccine so save yourself from possible cancer , research it and tell your friends). Make sure that you are comfortable using condoms, making sure that you have them on you, and do not have any sexual experiences on the fly without being fully prepared, emotionally , physically, mentally, Like a good girl scout.

[specialmom]

I'm not sure and you seem unsure of what happened. You are an adult who made a choice to drink alcohol with him.  I don't know if you got turned on or if he was overly aggressive with you.  It was inappropriate to say the least but you seem very unsure of the details.  His touching your vagina and trying to put his penis in your mouth is not okay.  If you didn't want that.  I'm not sure you'll ever know the truth.  You should cut off all contact.  OR if you do feel he pushed himself on you, tell his wife, press charges, etc.  For the protection of another young woman in his company.  Unfortunately though, for many women who have bad relationships with their father, they are often sexually attracted to older men.  This is a known pattern.  He men can be pigs.  So, I'm not sure what happened here but you can always explore it with a therapist.  By the way, you experienced the danger of alcohol and drinking.  Don't do it.  It's the 'uninhibitor' and things like this are more likely to happen.  good luck hon