Advise needed, please?

[LilyRose93]

I need some advise. I apologise if none of this makes sense, it doesn't even make sense in my head so I'm just going to type as I think and hope that you understand. I have been with my partner for 18 months now, and we have a beautiful baby boy. He has always been very caring and loving, and treats me like a princess.

However, a couple of months back I received an email from one of his ex partners saying that he was very controlling throughout their relationship, he apparently cut her off from her friends and family and would often become violent if they had an argument. I have also heard that one of the reasons he and his most recent ex split was because he would phone her up when she was out and demand to know when she would be home. Since receiving this email I have been very conscious of any signs that he may be doing this to me and a couple of things are starting to bug me a little, but I'm not sure if I'm just being silly or not.

Since the beginning of our relationship, he has openly admitted that he can be quite a jealous person. He once demanded to know why I was texting his best friend. I told him to stop being silly, and since then he has seemed fine. His best friend and I have become very close, he's like my older brother, and my partner seems fine with this however he does constantly want to know my relationship with every guy I talk to (I have a lot of male friends...)
Since having our little one, he never wants to go out together in the evenings as he doesn't want to leave our little one with a babysitter (the only babysitters I'd trust would be close friends or family), and when we do make plans they are often cancelled because he doesn't want to anymore so I find myself never going out unless he is at work. This never struck me as strange until recently when my mum has made a couple of comments on different occasions along the lines of 'don't let yourself lose your identity' or 'you have to put your foot down to that'. I am starting to feel quite shut off from my friends as I have no choice but to stay in with baby in the evenings, but I find myself sticking up for him by telling myself that friends could always come round to mine etc. Also, when I am out, I find myself having to let him know how long I'll be etc. He has never told me to do this, but I always feel I have to all the same.
In the mornings, I am always the one to have to get out of bed to find his work clothes for him.
If I am texting somebody, he always has to know who I am texting and what we are talking about.
Often, if he wants sex and he thinks I am asleep, he will carry on and do it anyway. He also seems very aroused by the idea of rough sex, or 'rape'. He has more than once said that he is going to 'rape' me rather than have sex with me.

A lot of other little things happen around this, however I find myself struggling to remember them to write them down, if you know what I mean? It's like my mind has cast each separate thing off as insignificant but collectively they could have meant something.

I was just wondering if any of you could offer some advise? Am I just being silly and over thinking things due to that email? Or is this the start of what broke down his previous relationships? As I said, he can be very caring and loving, it is just little things that seem to be ringing bells in me.

Any help would be greatly appreciated. Thank you.

I should also note that I have a history of sexual abuse, so I am not sure whether I'm trying so hard to avoid this reoccurring that I am over thinking everthing?

[marie2012c]

If I was you I'd get out while you stil can. Wanting to know all your messages and who their off ect is bad but saying he's going to rape you its disgusting.  N even carrying on trying to have sex when he thinks you are sleeping is rape aswel because you are not consenting it.  X

[sarahmae25]

oh girl all those things that seem little r huge red flags!!!! plz get out of there before it gets worse. i was abused by two exes as were my children n they all start out sweet n innconent n ud never be able to comprehend the things they can do given time. ppl would tell me things about my ex but i wouldnt believe them even their own exes would tell me. but i said no that wont happen to me!!  and him say he wants to rape u isnt normal n that he carries on while ur asleep!! that is not normal or right!! dont let his caring side blind u fr all the rest! my abusers would hurt me n then turn around n act very caring n loving like nothing happened! they isolate u fr ur friends n family slowly! n then break ur mind down! girl i kno ur right on the money with ur intuition dont let it be over shadowed by doubt. i had the same feelings as u but never trusted them. i ended up on drugs lost my kids n kept spiraling down. its taken five yrs to get on the right track n all that bc i just never listened to my gut or my mother who had them pegged for what they were as soon as she laid eyes on them. mothers have lived n learned so plz take her advice as soo many other woman didnt n just passed these feelings off as nothing! be aware n be strong!!!! plz feel free to inbox me id love to talk more n see how ur doing!!

[freespirit78]

First of all I dont think this is all in your head. You are just aware of it now that you are looking. Sometimes in relationships things can change so slowly that you dont realise it at the time. The fact that you mother has also noticed something and said to you not to lose your identity is huge. We can find ourselves changing for the person we are in a relationship with, without noticing, we can get stuck in our own bubble and easily lose the person we use to be. So what your mother said is so important. You need to take back control of your life and do not let your partner have control over you as this does not make for a happy life. About the "rape" thing, that is not right in anyway , you need to tell him this. You need to be able to tell him how you are feeling and that he needs to chill out and you feel he is being controlling. If you cannot talk to him out of fear then you relly need to get out of this relationship. Fear will grow and at some stage you will find you are completley cut off from everyone. You said that early in your relationship when he  once demanded to know why you were texting his best friend. you  told him to stop being silly, do you feel you could still say this to him and if not you ARE losing control over your identity. It sounds like he needs counselling, prehaphs something happened him in the past to make him so controlling and jealous, does he even realise he is doing it. It needs to be  pointed out to him, and if he really loves and respects you then he will seek help. Whatever happens stay strong for you and for your baby because if you do lose control over your life its very hard to get it back. I hope this makes sense to you. good luck.

[overopiates]

Almost all of this could b shrug away as him being protective of the baby,him just trying to find out when ur coming home etc.it does come off as a little controlling,jealous but what jumped out at me that put everything n a different light is the rape comments.Rape isnt about sex its about control,over powering someone&not giving them a say.Thats the ultimate form over control.I would get out of this relationship because its only gonna get worse.U have2previous relationships that were ended because he clearly escalated his controlling ways.His ex was trying to warn u and u should b thankful for that.U cant b ok w/him having sex w/u without ur consent cause ur sleeping.That IS rape already.He is slowly trying to isolate u as well.He is going to get worse not better.Being jealous is one thing but he is controlling&wants to have total power over u(shown by his sexual fantasies and his checking up on u constantly).

[margypops]

One thing I must say is that an ex telling you things is not good and she has done it out of spite maybe.However I think reading what you have to say, that your mom is right and you do have to take control of your life and what you do ,for instance if he doesn't want to go out then tell him you want to and will go out with your mom or a girlfriend.The sex thing is not good he should not be doing it without its okay with you so best tell him it makes you uncomfortable and dont join in , I doubt you can sleep through it.So yes I do think you have some concerns but nothing you cant fix at this stage .If he gets worse you will have to ask him to get some counseling. Relationships are not always easy, but it has to be a two way thing.good luck