Aa
been a long time
Well here I am back again. Everyone was right my ex turned out to be an abuser. His son wasn't mine so I couldn't take him with me(he lives with his grandparents now). My daughter is officially five years old. I also have an almost 3year old now and I'm in a beautiful relationship. One that I never thought existed after what I went through. It took me five years to get to a good place in my life. Even with it all said and done I still feel like there's a permanent mark left on me from being in that relationship. Still have the night terrors and we've been in hiding from him since 2010. Has anyone ever still feel like your past abusive relationship has somehow left a mark on you, one that you can never get rid of?
The abuse stays with us, I think that it's important to get to a therapist to help us with our PTSD symptoms. That takes alot of the burden off the people that we are hopefully moving on with. Although our loved ones will sit with us and allow us to unburden ourselves, it is a lot to ask of someone who did not make the mistake of getting involved with the wrong person in the first place. I moved on with a guy that would never in his worst day abuse anyone, yet he had to sit through so much of my obsessing with the abuser.
The abuse often stops us from moving forward as much as we should in our new life. But for every moment that we obsess, we take a moment away from our true path. A path of freedom from assault. Just the act of going to a therapists office (and you may have done that) I found that it helps to compartmentalize the incidents and leave them in a box, and try to open that box in a safe setting where i am not putting out my loved ones. Still, it happens, even after being physically free of the abuse for 20 years. It can get very dark still for me and when it does, i wonder why. I've come to think that it is a reminder of how lucky I am that it's not happening for me now. I also look at it as a nudge to help other young ladies that may be able to raise their bottom and get out quicker than I did. It stays somewhat fresh I believe to remind us to help others. I'm setting up a meeting to be able to get into jails, and help ladies and maybe men to get out of unhealthy lifestyles. If I didn't remember what happened to me I couldn't help. So I end up thinking that it's a blessing. God knows they've taken enough from me. (my father, my first husband, and my second whom I call my favourite waste of time). Now i'm happily in a secure relationship with a man who loves everything about me , even my scars.
I pray that you turn those battle scars into something that you can be proud of. You are a SURVIVOR, and you will be happy. You will not be naive again. That ship has sailed. I agree wholeheartedly that you must look at what it was that allowed you to be swayed by that kind of love. You won't have far to look (usually).
Congratulations for breaking the cycle of abuse. Be happy and remember to live each day to the fullest. Because of what happened to you, you should be able to enjoy life even more, not less. IF you can get yourself unstuck. Therapy is always the best choice. It sure can't hurt right?. You earned it. If you ever want to talk, any of the folks on Medhelp would be more than happy to receive a message and help further. Including myself.
The abuse often stops us from moving forward as much as we should in our new life. But for every moment that we obsess, we take a moment away from our true path. A path of freedom from assault. Just the act of going to a therapists office (and you may have done that) I found that it helps to compartmentalize the incidents and leave them in a box, and try to open that box in a safe setting where i am not putting out my loved ones. Still, it happens, even after being physically free of the abuse for 20 years. It can get very dark still for me and when it does, i wonder why. I've come to think that it is a reminder of how lucky I am that it's not happening for me now. I also look at it as a nudge to help other young ladies that may be able to raise their bottom and get out quicker than I did. It stays somewhat fresh I believe to remind us to help others. I'm setting up a meeting to be able to get into jails, and help ladies and maybe men to get out of unhealthy lifestyles. If I didn't remember what happened to me I couldn't help. So I end up thinking that it's a blessing. God knows they've taken enough from me. (my father, my first husband, and my second whom I call my favourite waste of time). Now i'm happily in a secure relationship with a man who loves everything about me , even my scars.
I pray that you turn those battle scars into something that you can be proud of. You are a SURVIVOR, and you will be happy. You will not be naive again. That ship has sailed. I agree wholeheartedly that you must look at what it was that allowed you to be swayed by that kind of love. You won't have far to look (usually).
Congratulations for breaking the cycle of abuse. Be happy and remember to live each day to the fullest. Because of what happened to you, you should be able to enjoy life even more, not less. IF you can get yourself unstuck. Therapy is always the best choice. It sure can't hurt right?. You earned it. If you ever want to talk, any of the folks on Medhelp would be more than happy to receive a message and help further. Including myself.
I think it is natural what you are feeling. ALL of our experiences leave a mark. But remember, there is good information and wisdom form horrible experiences to take away. Some of my worse experiences have lead to my greatest learning moment. So, that was a terrible thing to go through but you are free from it and will never be in that situation again. (will say though that often if someone has not worked on WHY they stayed, the abuse pattern can repeat. Not in the exact same form. But when we've misjudged a situation one time so terribly, if we haven't really thought about how WE made some choices that put us in that situation, we can be prone to making poor choices again).
Anyway, glad you have moved on in life and things are going good for you. :>) hugs
Anyway, glad you have moved on in life and things are going good for you. :>) hugs
absolutely.
my ex's (there's 2) were very different people. My daughters father was a manipulator, and sociopath. He would accuse me of cheating when it was him, when I'd try to leave (even before my daughter was born, but I was pregnant) he would take ALL my ID, cell phone and cash/debit/credit cards with him so I had NO WAY to actually leave. (I lived in Calgary before and moved to Red Deer [a few hrs away] just to be with him and raise our daughter, so I had no friends or family there).
Eventually, after my daughter was 4mos old. Me and my dad put together a plan... For a 'family visit' to Ontario (where I'm from) only, the return flight only had 1 person booked to go back to Red Deer.. Him.
The plan didn't work out that way and we ended up splitting before that, police were called, he broke my cell phone, and when the cops asked for my ID, I couldn't give them any because HE had it all. I moved in with some girl I met off a moms website I'd befriended and told what was going on and then eventually after a month, got my own place and a job and then after about a year of trying to be civil with him, he wanted nothing to do with our daughter, unless we were together. So I moved back to Ontario. Rekindled things with a high school flame, and after a few months of us dating I found out he'd slept with my best friend. I ended things, he moved out, we worked on things and after a few months, he moved back in. Everything was going good for about a week... Then my best friend told me he was hitting on her. So I told him to pack his sh*t and leave, I was done. Words were exchanged - I locked myself in the bathroom crying, and FFWD a few seconds and he breaks the door down, his hands are around my throat, body pushed up against the bathroom wall, and he's saying if he cant have me - no one can.
I kicked - I tried to scream, swing, anything I could. Eventually I was off the ground, giving me a little leverage of being able to swing my legs up and kick him in the gut and he let go before I blacked out. I ran out of the bathroom and collapsed on the floor, tried to crawl to the door and he grabbed my hair, and pulled my back and put his hand over my mouth to muffle me attempting at screaming. I bit down as hard as I could - got up - and sprinted SO f*cking fast out the back door. No shoes, socks, coat, in a T-shirt and shorts the end of October. I ran to the end of the alley way and waited til the motion light on the back porch went out, and slowly made my way back down the alley to a house where I could see had the lights still on as I ran out of the house. I looked at my house, and the house with the lights on, and bolted to their back door banging on it and when they answered, all I could get out was 'call the police, my bf just tried to kill me'.
I had hand prints around my neck for about a week. I couldn't talk/had no voice. And the sound of a pin dropping would make my heart race and wonder if he was back.
He started dating my friend a few weeks later (not the one he slept with, or the one he was hitting on, a different one - and yes, lol I got new friends). And she was in court when he was being charged with assault. it should have been attempted murder, but it was my word against his... When he was charged (he plead not guilty), his gf (my ex friend) went on facebook and said he should have 'finished the job' etc. Which is ironic to her other posts about him not assaulting me, lol.
It's been almost 3 years since that night, and it took me a year to be able to live alone again. I had a dog who was my little guardian after that and just now am able to have my boyfriend touch my neck without my flinching.
My ex lives in the same town as me, I have a restraining order against him, but I still see him out. Everytime I do, I get anxiety attacks, even if he doesn't see me. I remember being on the bus once, and he was working downtown and we drove past him unexpectedly... It was months after the 'attack' and I STILL had a racing heart, lump in my throat etc.
I'm not the same person after either of those relationships - it s*cks. I was such a care free person, loved everything and everyone, always smiling and giving people the benefit of the doubt. And now.. aside form other things that have happened since (I had a miscarriage just last yr at 16wks and am 18wks along now), i'm very mellow, not so much a people person anymore... don't care about a lot of things anymore. but I find as times go on, I realize i'm slowly getting back to being the happy person I once was.
There will always be a mark left on us because of the sh*t we've had to endure. I always thought, holy crap - no one is going to want to be with me, i'm so damaged. And my bf now - well, he doesn't see it. I think because he makes me a better person in a way. We've had our trials as well. but he's nothing like those 2.
sorry for the long post!!
my ex's (there's 2) were very different people. My daughters father was a manipulator, and sociopath. He would accuse me of cheating when it was him, when I'd try to leave (even before my daughter was born, but I was pregnant) he would take ALL my ID, cell phone and cash/debit/credit cards with him so I had NO WAY to actually leave. (I lived in Calgary before and moved to Red Deer [a few hrs away] just to be with him and raise our daughter, so I had no friends or family there).
Eventually, after my daughter was 4mos old. Me and my dad put together a plan... For a 'family visit' to Ontario (where I'm from) only, the return flight only had 1 person booked to go back to Red Deer.. Him.
The plan didn't work out that way and we ended up splitting before that, police were called, he broke my cell phone, and when the cops asked for my ID, I couldn't give them any because HE had it all. I moved in with some girl I met off a moms website I'd befriended and told what was going on and then eventually after a month, got my own place and a job and then after about a year of trying to be civil with him, he wanted nothing to do with our daughter, unless we were together. So I moved back to Ontario. Rekindled things with a high school flame, and after a few months of us dating I found out he'd slept with my best friend. I ended things, he moved out, we worked on things and after a few months, he moved back in. Everything was going good for about a week... Then my best friend told me he was hitting on her. So I told him to pack his sh*t and leave, I was done. Words were exchanged - I locked myself in the bathroom crying, and FFWD a few seconds and he breaks the door down, his hands are around my throat, body pushed up against the bathroom wall, and he's saying if he cant have me - no one can.
I kicked - I tried to scream, swing, anything I could. Eventually I was off the ground, giving me a little leverage of being able to swing my legs up and kick him in the gut and he let go before I blacked out. I ran out of the bathroom and collapsed on the floor, tried to crawl to the door and he grabbed my hair, and pulled my back and put his hand over my mouth to muffle me attempting at screaming. I bit down as hard as I could - got up - and sprinted SO f*cking fast out the back door. No shoes, socks, coat, in a T-shirt and shorts the end of October. I ran to the end of the alley way and waited til the motion light on the back porch went out, and slowly made my way back down the alley to a house where I could see had the lights still on as I ran out of the house. I looked at my house, and the house with the lights on, and bolted to their back door banging on it and when they answered, all I could get out was 'call the police, my bf just tried to kill me'.
I had hand prints around my neck for about a week. I couldn't talk/had no voice. And the sound of a pin dropping would make my heart race and wonder if he was back.
He started dating my friend a few weeks later (not the one he slept with, or the one he was hitting on, a different one - and yes, lol I got new friends). And she was in court when he was being charged with assault. it should have been attempted murder, but it was my word against his... When he was charged (he plead not guilty), his gf (my ex friend) went on facebook and said he should have 'finished the job' etc. Which is ironic to her other posts about him not assaulting me, lol.
It's been almost 3 years since that night, and it took me a year to be able to live alone again. I had a dog who was my little guardian after that and just now am able to have my boyfriend touch my neck without my flinching.
My ex lives in the same town as me, I have a restraining order against him, but I still see him out. Everytime I do, I get anxiety attacks, even if he doesn't see me. I remember being on the bus once, and he was working downtown and we drove past him unexpectedly... It was months after the 'attack' and I STILL had a racing heart, lump in my throat etc.
I'm not the same person after either of those relationships - it s*cks. I was such a care free person, loved everything and everyone, always smiling and giving people the benefit of the doubt. And now.. aside form other things that have happened since (I had a miscarriage just last yr at 16wks and am 18wks along now), i'm very mellow, not so much a people person anymore... don't care about a lot of things anymore. but I find as times go on, I realize i'm slowly getting back to being the happy person I once was.
There will always be a mark left on us because of the sh*t we've had to endure. I always thought, holy crap - no one is going to want to be with me, i'm so damaged. And my bf now - well, he doesn't see it. I think because he makes me a better person in a way. We've had our trials as well. but he's nothing like those 2.
sorry for the long post!!
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