Aa
does this sound like emotional abuse?
I am not sure where to begin. i have been married for ten years now and for ten years my husband has made me feel like i don't matter. if i start to talk to him about anything he always interrupts me and asks "is there a point to this story?" i always say no and then he tells me to hurry up and finish it then. so i just tell him to forget it and quit talking. i dont talk to him at all anymore. he is always telling me i am worthless for simple things like forgetting to bring home a tomato for the burgers he was grilling. he is also very jealous. he has been accusing me of having an affair almost as soon as we got married. i would cry and tell him he is all i wanted until he finally believed me. i just can't do anything right no matter how hard i try. he is always mad at me. i have been told i am trash and even left outside of a trash dump late one night. i suffer from depression. i was on antidepressants for awhile. he called them my crazy pills. to him those were proof that he was right all along. that i am a mental case. and that is my biggest worry and what confuses me the most. i have never talked to anyone about this because i am afraid he may be right. what if there is nothing wrong with him and its really me. what if i am so bad that i deserve this treatment.. i know i am not perfect. i have said hurtful things back to him too. and that worries me too. how can i say he is abusive if my words were abusive too?? i am just so confused. i think about leaving him all the time but i am afraid emotionally i wouldn't survive it. he has made so many threats including turning my family and my church family against me so that i would have no one. he is very manipulative he can make anyone believe anything he says. he can twist my words to make is sound like i've said something that i never actually said. he is that good. i just wish i knew what to do.
Best Answer
Hi... yeah it has been awhile. I guess I felt like I had whined and vented on here too much. I wanted to have something good to report before I showed back up..i didn't forget you guys and how you helped me through a tough time. my divorce is officially final as of a couple of weeks ago.. I've not seen or heard from him awhile. . I guess right now I am just existing take it one day at a time. It gets lonely but most times I am just enjoying the peace of having my own place.. I am not looking for any kind of a relationship now or anytime soon .. just staying busy.. thanks for thinking of me ...hope all is well with you.. ;)
I know it has been awhile but I just wondered how things are going for you these days?
I am ok ..kind of depressed right now. I signed the property settlement contract yesterday. I didn't really have a say in the matter. he gets everything. I mean EVERYTHING and I still owe him money.. i've worked the last ten years to buy him a boat a nd two 4wheelers a garage full of thousands of dollars of tools guns, hunting equipment, fishing equipment. not to mention the house and the business we owned. and all I have to show for it is a 10yr old couch, a couple of end tables and lamps. a china cabinet my mom gave me and some blankets..lol.. and he threw a fit over that.. but I am telling myself that its a small price to pay to finally have peace. I am thankful for my job that I make enough to support myself. I realize there are people out there in this situation who feel like they can't leave because they can't support themselves. you can see by all the things I've mentioned he controlled all the money and bought anything he wanted. the other day I went grocery shopping and I was ridiculously happy that I could buy whatever I wanted to eat.. and not be afraid when I got home because I forgot something ... the smallest things make me happy now. I just have to get over all the things he has but does not deserve..
You can google it and you should find several books. How have you been, did you get the apartment?
just a question. do you guys know of any or read any good books for dealing with coming out of an abusive relationship?
Legally you guys are still married. As far as I know, even if he reports the items stolen they can't do anything to you because you are married and the items are just as much yours as they are his. He sounds like a real piece of work.
In my opinion, you should consider possibly getting a protective order. I think procedures and everything are a little different in each state, but you should definitely check into it. That should help keep him away from you as well as where you work.
I'm happy to hear you are loving your apartment. Keep us posted!
In my opinion, you should consider possibly getting a protective order. I think procedures and everything are a little different in each state, but you should definitely check into it. That should help keep him away from you as well as where you work.
I'm happy to hear you are loving your apartment. Keep us posted!
well our first counseling sessions was kind of what I expected. he spoke the first 15 min bashing me and listing all my faults over the last ten years. but he kind of made his self look bad. in the end she could see that he was controlling and dominating. but I don't know if we will be going back. while he was at work today my brothers came with a truck to get my furniture out of the house, I had already given him a list of what I wanted and he said I could have it. but he wanted to be there when I got it., I did not want him there as I knew he would cause trouble. now he is texting and harassing me saying I disrespected him for going in the house with out asking. says he is going to report it stolen. is threatening to go to work and show off his evidence and cause me to lose my job. he has me a nervous wreck. it figures once I sign an lease for an apartment then he will cause me to lose my job. he says I have disrespected him for the last time, I don't know what he is going to do. I just hope I make it through this. on the other hand. its my first night in my apartment and I am loving it.
So glad to hear you got your own place Bonnie. I hope that you can handle the "honeymoon" stage that your husband is aiming at you. It's telling that he says he can forgive you. He has no idea that had he treated you well, in the first place, you would NEVER have looked elsewhere; He needs to admit that his actions resulted in your reaction. Maybe you should have insisted on couseling way back then, but it sounds like he would not have agreed, (maybe even you did, and he did refuse ?). Unless he admits that he was in the wrong, and it resulted in your searching elsewhere for some humanity, i would stay very very tough. He may be savvy enough to tell you what you want to hear, but he is only giving you that much, IF you see the bottom line as this being your fault, because you went elsewhere. Very sneaky. I feel for you. Keep tough girl. There's ALOT more fish in the sea...
That is great! It is amazing how much better you feel once you are away from someone like that. I too had to completely cut my husband out after I left. I knew that if I talked to him and allowed him into my head, he would manipulate me into coming back. He texted me non stop, telling me all the things he knew I wanted to hear. It was tough.
What I always remembered, though, is that he could say and do all these nice things after I left, but not while I was there. To me this just proves that he KNEW how to be a decent and nice person, but he chose not to be. Rotten to the core.
I hope counseling goes well. Just be careful as he is likely to be on his best behavior. He knows how he SHOULD treat you. He has known all along and he will do his best to show you he can be that person in an attempt to get you back. Once you're back though, it all goes back to the way it was, except now he feels even more entitled, and like he has something to hold over your head.
He has already shown that he doesn't see anything wrong in the way he acted, so even if he says it, it's likely he is only trying to win you back.
Anyway, let us know how tomorrow goes! Good luck and stay strong. You've come a long way already
What I always remembered, though, is that he could say and do all these nice things after I left, but not while I was there. To me this just proves that he KNEW how to be a decent and nice person, but he chose not to be. Rotten to the core.
I hope counseling goes well. Just be careful as he is likely to be on his best behavior. He knows how he SHOULD treat you. He has known all along and he will do his best to show you he can be that person in an attempt to get you back. Once you're back though, it all goes back to the way it was, except now he feels even more entitled, and like he has something to hold over your head.
He has already shown that he doesn't see anything wrong in the way he acted, so even if he says it, it's likely he is only trying to win you back.
Anyway, let us know how tomorrow goes! Good luck and stay strong. You've come a long way already
Good for you! I've read your post and you've come so far in a short amount of time. You can do this. Once you get used to having your own place where you can do anything you want to do you will love it.
If he still keeps coming to your job, which you have'nt mentioned lately, get a restraining order.
He's going to try anything to get you back and I can promise if you do go back things will be the same in no time. It's time you concentrated on yourself and your healing. He had 10 years to make things right and he never did.
It sounds to me like he's only worried about the money and his standing in the community.
You are so much stronger than you realize. Things are going to work out just fine for you. Keep posting to let us know how you're doing.
If he still keeps coming to your job, which you have'nt mentioned lately, get a restraining order.
He's going to try anything to get you back and I can promise if you do go back things will be the same in no time. It's time you concentrated on yourself and your healing. He had 10 years to make things right and he never did.
It sounds to me like he's only worried about the money and his standing in the community.
You are so much stronger than you realize. Things are going to work out just fine for you. Keep posting to let us know how you're doing.
hey, well where to begin? I just put down a deposit yesterday for my new apartment. I am looking forward to having my own space and some peace. my husband has gone from mean and nasty to sweet. he wants to meet take me out to lunch. says stuff like he just wants to hold me in his arms. its hard hearing those things. its all the things I've wanted to hear for years. I do miss him a lot but I did not meet him because I knew if I did I would break my resolve and move back home. he keeps telling me he is willing to forgive me and move on. what he can't see is his own part in what happened. all he see's is my transgressions. he wants to do anything to get me home even counseling which I agreed to. I have to feel like I tried, although I still love him I just don't trust him with my heart right now. I have learned while he is being so nice to me on the phone he is going behind my back showing his evidence of the texts to anyone and everyone. making sure I look like the only bad person in this relationship. I will give counseling a try but I am skeptical that he will ever be able to see his own faults. he just keeps telling me he is willing to forgive and learn to trust me again. he can't understand why I don't trust him. I am worried that he is so manipulative he will even be able to pull the wool over the counselors eyes. I guess we will see what happens. right now though I am just really excited to have my own place soon. I have never been on my own. and its one thing that he always said I could never do...I have learned in the last couple of weeks without him that I am a lot smarter and stronger than he ever gave me credit for. and i am so thankful for all the support i have had here. i will keep you posted on what happens our first counseling session is on oct 1st...
Hey, it's been almost a week since you posted. I was just curious how things are going?
Hi Bonnie. I want you to know that it is TOTALLY normal to have mixed emotions. Ending a relationship/marriage is very hard. Even when it is a bad one. No person is all bad. I could tell you to think about the way he made you feel when he was at your office threatening you. Or belittling you. Etc. But I am sure you know on many levels that he was good and bad for you. Divorce is a loss of sorts and we have to mourn it. Eventually, you will heal though.
I strongly urge you to seek some counseling. You do not want to repeat any abusive scenarios and these things have a way of coming back to us in relationship after relationship unless we've done some exploring of why we stayed with someone so long that was abusive at all.
Take some time. do not date for a while as that can really be problematic when we are healing from a relationship. Rebound is real and it is better to work on you and THEN consider dating in my opinion.
Wishing you all the best. We do also have a divorce and break up forum here. You can find it by going to the above tool bar and on the left hand side is a section called 'forums'. Hit that and on the left side of that page, go to the D's. It's there. Or you can contact me and I'll send you the link. good luck and we are here to support you sweetie.
I strongly urge you to seek some counseling. You do not want to repeat any abusive scenarios and these things have a way of coming back to us in relationship after relationship unless we've done some exploring of why we stayed with someone so long that was abusive at all.
Take some time. do not date for a while as that can really be problematic when we are healing from a relationship. Rebound is real and it is better to work on you and THEN consider dating in my opinion.
Wishing you all the best. We do also have a divorce and break up forum here. You can find it by going to the above tool bar and on the left hand side is a section called 'forums'. Hit that and on the left side of that page, go to the D's. It's there. Or you can contact me and I'll send you the link. good luck and we are here to support you sweetie.
I agree whole heartedly what the ladies above have stated. But i'm worried about your last statement..your lawyer has advised you clearly to agree to nothing , and he turns on the charm now, tryiing to tell you that you're needed for you both to make it, and has you agreeing to things in a divorce already? Oh my, Please Be Careful.
This is NOT about your ability to love Bonnie, of course you love him when he's acting the charmer, but that's becasue you're capable of love.
The way that he's treated you all these years is not loving. He's not capable of loving. For whatever the reason, that's not what he's about. And if you couldn't change his opinion of you by now, it will never happen.
You've said that he's got your phone, but unless there is discriminating eviidence , it will not be held against you. You may well have just been freinds with this man, and had done alot of talking. Don't admit to anything else, for all you know , he's taping the conversation trying to get you to admit to something that he hasn't even got, and that is PROOF. Even a hotel slip does not prove infidelity, only a video can do that. You could have been having bible study behind closed doors. Be careful, the man sounds like a jackal, and can't be trusted.
I know that your faltering now, that's he's talking sweet, but he'll show his true coluors, asking for alimony , hurting your chances at your own life being fulfulled.... in time, believe me you'll learn to hate him for the years of abuse. Trust me, you have abused wife syndrome. You believe you love a man that treated you like garbage. In time, it won't make sense that you did that for even one mintute, yet alone years.
I do think you need also to tape any conversation, you can get the device at any Staples , I would be very open with the lawyer and folow the advice to a T. Don't give him anything. Don't empower him at all.....don't pay for the house, don't give him your sharre, let the lawyers work it out, and yes, it would be best for you to have the better lawyer since you make more money, hopefully he'll get a loser lawyer.....
PLEASE DON"T FEEL BAD ABOUT A GUY WHO VALUED YOU SO LITTLE AS TO TREAT YOU LIKE GARBAGE< he was trying to brainwash you into believing you were garbage honey, how disgusting, what a disgusting little man.....time to find one of the good guys......
This is NOT about your ability to love Bonnie, of course you love him when he's acting the charmer, but that's becasue you're capable of love.
The way that he's treated you all these years is not loving. He's not capable of loving. For whatever the reason, that's not what he's about. And if you couldn't change his opinion of you by now, it will never happen.
You've said that he's got your phone, but unless there is discriminating eviidence , it will not be held against you. You may well have just been freinds with this man, and had done alot of talking. Don't admit to anything else, for all you know , he's taping the conversation trying to get you to admit to something that he hasn't even got, and that is PROOF. Even a hotel slip does not prove infidelity, only a video can do that. You could have been having bible study behind closed doors. Be careful, the man sounds like a jackal, and can't be trusted.
I know that your faltering now, that's he's talking sweet, but he'll show his true coluors, asking for alimony , hurting your chances at your own life being fulfulled.... in time, believe me you'll learn to hate him for the years of abuse. Trust me, you have abused wife syndrome. You believe you love a man that treated you like garbage. In time, it won't make sense that you did that for even one mintute, yet alone years.
I do think you need also to tape any conversation, you can get the device at any Staples , I would be very open with the lawyer and folow the advice to a T. Don't give him anything. Don't empower him at all.....don't pay for the house, don't give him your sharre, let the lawyers work it out, and yes, it would be best for you to have the better lawyer since you make more money, hopefully he'll get a loser lawyer.....
PLEASE DON"T FEEL BAD ABOUT A GUY WHO VALUED YOU SO LITTLE AS TO TREAT YOU LIKE GARBAGE< he was trying to brainwash you into believing you were garbage honey, how disgusting, what a disgusting little man.....time to find one of the good guys......
i just got off the phone with him. We seem to agree on most things in the divorce he was actually nice..and now i cant stop crying cause thats the part i miss..i still love him..i would not go back..but i miss him so much right now i cant stand it. Sorry to keep rambling on here.
Thank you for those kind words. yes I feel horrible. I feel like I am what he has always said I am. worthless trash. I feel like I have proven him right. which is exactly what he told me today. he plans to keep the phone and texts forever. so he can try to control me with it and make me live in fear even after its over. I told him I would confess before I live in fear of him for the rest of my life.. and yes he has already played the money card saying we need each other just to make it., i told him money is not a reason to stay in a marriage, i won't go back to that. yes being with the other man was horribly wrong but my self esteem and self worth was shot i had no fight left in me. he really helped me with that. made me feel like I mattered to someone for a change and that i do have worth. i was able to see for a change what its like being with someone who lifted me up instead of constantly tearing me down. i didn't even know that could exit,. i just have to make it through this divorce and then i believe i will be happier., all i have dreamed about the last few years if having my own place no matter how small as long as it was mine and living alone in peace..i just want peace.
You are not "getting what you deserve". I have been away from my abusive ex-husband since June of 2012. He was awful...but that's a whole other story. Anyway, he shared a lot of the same traits as your soon-to-be ex-husband.
It is so hard to function when someone has emotionally beaten you that low. After years of emotional abuse, and being treated like I was nothing, I wanted to leave so badly, but couldn't find it in myself to do so.
I felt so bad at the time for wanting to leave. Especially when my ex-husband's "sweet" side, the fake personality, kicked in. Here was my husband, and even though he was a terrible person, I felt he didn't deserve to be alone.
I've come to realize as time has passed that I didn't deserve what HE was doing to ME. And he started treating me bad WAY before I was ready to leave. If I did not have friends online to help me through, I'm not sure where I would be now, as he forced me to alienate my family and friends I had here.
Do not view this past relationship with your co-worker as a horrible mistake that makes you a bad person, because you are not a bad person. View it as your survival, as the person who got you through. My guess is that he helped you keep yourself together when you were constantly being broken down by your husband. Sometimes in order to survive, we do things we are not too proud of later. Sometimes this makes us feel like we deserve to be treated bad, but NO ONE deserves to be treated the way you were. NO ONE deserves the things he did to you.
As far as the texts, are there any instances where either of you mention that you physically cheated? If not, then I believe you didn't legally cheat, so I can't see how a place could fire you for that. And even if it does mention physical things, it is in the past. I really have a hard time seeing a company fire you for that.
I'm willing to bet your ex husband will try to scare you into quitting your job, or even try getting you fired, and then make you feel like you need him for financial support, like you can't make it without him. He kicked you out as "punishment" because you started realizing you didn't have to take his crap, and I bet he would love nothing more than to make you dependent on him again. He wants you to come crawling back, to teach you the lesson that you "need" him. He wants someone to put down, to treat like dirt, because it makes him feel better. Abusers love it when you can't see your own worth. But you are NOT his punching bag anymore. And you do NOT need him. Leaving feels so bad in the beginning, but it does get better. And the longer you're away, the more you start to realize that it was his fault. That you are genuinely a good person, and you deserve happiness.
Anyway, sorry if I've rambled. I just want you to know you are not a bad person. Abusers make you feel that way.
It is so hard to function when someone has emotionally beaten you that low. After years of emotional abuse, and being treated like I was nothing, I wanted to leave so badly, but couldn't find it in myself to do so.
I felt so bad at the time for wanting to leave. Especially when my ex-husband's "sweet" side, the fake personality, kicked in. Here was my husband, and even though he was a terrible person, I felt he didn't deserve to be alone.
I've come to realize as time has passed that I didn't deserve what HE was doing to ME. And he started treating me bad WAY before I was ready to leave. If I did not have friends online to help me through, I'm not sure where I would be now, as he forced me to alienate my family and friends I had here.
Do not view this past relationship with your co-worker as a horrible mistake that makes you a bad person, because you are not a bad person. View it as your survival, as the person who got you through. My guess is that he helped you keep yourself together when you were constantly being broken down by your husband. Sometimes in order to survive, we do things we are not too proud of later. Sometimes this makes us feel like we deserve to be treated bad, but NO ONE deserves to be treated the way you were. NO ONE deserves the things he did to you.
As far as the texts, are there any instances where either of you mention that you physically cheated? If not, then I believe you didn't legally cheat, so I can't see how a place could fire you for that. And even if it does mention physical things, it is in the past. I really have a hard time seeing a company fire you for that.
I'm willing to bet your ex husband will try to scare you into quitting your job, or even try getting you fired, and then make you feel like you need him for financial support, like you can't make it without him. He kicked you out as "punishment" because you started realizing you didn't have to take his crap, and I bet he would love nothing more than to make you dependent on him again. He wants you to come crawling back, to teach you the lesson that you "need" him. He wants someone to put down, to treat like dirt, because it makes him feel better. Abusers love it when you can't see your own worth. But you are NOT his punching bag anymore. And you do NOT need him. Leaving feels so bad in the beginning, but it does get better. And the longer you're away, the more you start to realize that it was his fault. That you are genuinely a good person, and you deserve happiness.
Anyway, sorry if I've rambled. I just want you to know you are not a bad person. Abusers make you feel that way.
No, you aren't getting what you deserve. I'm not a fan of infidelity but I also don't believe that people should suffer or 'get what they deserve' especially with the history of your marriage. Don't think that way.
What about just casually looking for another job somewhere else. It's always a good idea to have options.
I wouldn't let your guilt eat you up or give into what your husband is trying to do to you. He was a crummy partner in many ways. You acted out and found emotional/physical comfort elsewhere. it happens. While I'd have wanted you to leave the relationship before that--- it also wouldn't be the first or last time someone tried to put a band aid on their issues by being with someone else. It is what it is.
And now you are free to live an authentic life. It really bothers me that someone that is abusive continues the threats even after you leave them in terms of terrorizing you at your work making you fear you'll lose your job. What a grade A jerk dear.
Keep your head up high and I highly recommend a counselor to work through the feelings you must be having with. peace and good luck
What about just casually looking for another job somewhere else. It's always a good idea to have options.
I wouldn't let your guilt eat you up or give into what your husband is trying to do to you. He was a crummy partner in many ways. You acted out and found emotional/physical comfort elsewhere. it happens. While I'd have wanted you to leave the relationship before that--- it also wouldn't be the first or last time someone tried to put a band aid on their issues by being with someone else. It is what it is.
And now you are free to live an authentic life. It really bothers me that someone that is abusive continues the threats even after you leave them in terms of terrorizing you at your work making you fear you'll lose your job. What a grade A jerk dear.
Keep your head up high and I highly recommend a counselor to work through the feelings you must be having with. peace and good luck
I saw an an attorney today. just one of those free consultations it was a waste of time.. he told me to cool my jets. that if he was going to cause me trouble at work then there was nothing I could do to stop him. he did tell me to stop giving him money for a house I have been kicked out of..but he was like ok so you might lose your job. so what? I am like I have been with the company for 15yrs this is my lively hood. he kind of made fun of me and was like you have been separated for only ten days and you are already sitting in a lawyers office? I don't know. he does have incriminating texts. and the lawyer says they are admissible but if my husband wants to file on grounds of adultery it could cost thousands of dollars. or we can just agree and settle it without that and it would be a lot cheaper. he told me not to sign anything over to him such as house or business..either way its going to be a year before we can make it final. and either way I will have to live in fear of losing my job. i guess i am getting what i deserve.
Hi there. Well, this is unfortunate. Ya know what I'd do? Ignore him. Ignore every text. Tell your coworkers that you are separating and he is making your life very hard and you are sorry for any disruption he causes. That you've considered getting a restraining order for harassment.
Because, that is what this is. He can't show up at your work and bother you or talk to your coworkers hon. EVEN if he has a video tape of you having sex. He can divorce you, sure. He can try to get alimony, sure. but he'll have to do so legally and I wouldn't play that game with him. HE has to do the work.
To be safe, start looking for an attorney now. YOU have the money, he does not. So, you find a good lawyer and start working on what you need to do to protect yourself as best you can. He's an able bodied man and it is a shame you've had to support him.
Another thing to consider is to begin looking for work out of state. A similar job that pays about as much AWAY from this man. If he follows you, then again, he's harassing you. If you have to come back for divorce court, so be it.
but ya know what, LOTS of people get divorced. You do not have to endure his c rap!!!! And that's all it is!!
Oh, and lots of people cheat.
Worst case scenario? he takes some of your money. But if you have a good attorney, it will just be for a limited period of time. And if you had joint assets, you may be able to just give him some assets and be done with him.
so, really, see a lawyer. good luck and the law is on your side if he continues to bother you. peace
Because, that is what this is. He can't show up at your work and bother you or talk to your coworkers hon. EVEN if he has a video tape of you having sex. He can divorce you, sure. He can try to get alimony, sure. but he'll have to do so legally and I wouldn't play that game with him. HE has to do the work.
To be safe, start looking for an attorney now. YOU have the money, he does not. So, you find a good lawyer and start working on what you need to do to protect yourself as best you can. He's an able bodied man and it is a shame you've had to support him.
Another thing to consider is to begin looking for work out of state. A similar job that pays about as much AWAY from this man. If he follows you, then again, he's harassing you. If you have to come back for divorce court, so be it.
but ya know what, LOTS of people get divorced. You do not have to endure his c rap!!!! And that's all it is!!
Oh, and lots of people cheat.
Worst case scenario? he takes some of your money. But if you have a good attorney, it will just be for a limited period of time. And if you had joint assets, you may be able to just give him some assets and be done with him.
so, really, see a lawyer. good luck and the law is on your side if he continues to bother you. peace
Does he have actual text messages that prove infidelity? what exactly does he have on you?
Wow, i'm sorry, but what a horrible thing to do, to blackmail you for money. your husband has proven that he is not capable of love, and i know what it's like to love someone whose incapable of loving me back..... i feel for you. Can't wait to hear what the lawyer has to say. He can still black mail you after you give him what he wants, or give him what you think will shut his mouth.....the house and the business. If he can affect your earning potential like that, is it smart to give away whatever you would get out of 1/2 the property and business value? It may be all the security that you have to start over..........
Honey, you have to get it through your head that this guy is not acting like he's capable of loving anyone but himself, and that your loving him, but not being 'in love" with him, is misplaced. I think you need to think about getting a therapist. This is pretty serious stuff. Can a lawyer get a gag order from him, if you sign over the house? I don't know if it's posible when there is no trust.......
Of course no one is gong to judge you harshly here. The majority of us have made our own mistakes, and have acted out negatively as a result of abuse aimed towards us. You're not alone in this Bonnie. First thing you need to do, is to understand the kind of pressure you were under, and forgive yourself.
Honey, you have to get it through your head that this guy is not acting like he's capable of loving anyone but himself, and that your loving him, but not being 'in love" with him, is misplaced. I think you need to think about getting a therapist. This is pretty serious stuff. Can a lawyer get a gag order from him, if you sign over the house? I don't know if it's posible when there is no trust.......
Of course no one is gong to judge you harshly here. The majority of us have made our own mistakes, and have acted out negatively as a result of abuse aimed towards us. You're not alone in this Bonnie. First thing you need to do, is to understand the kind of pressure you were under, and forgive yourself.
I am at my moms. I am ok somewhat. he harasses me daily with texts all day long. he has "proof" and is blackmailing me with it.. says if I don't give him pretty much most of my check every payday he will show up at work with the proof which will cause me to lose my job. just yesterday he was at work and threatening me. but there is nothing I can do right now. since it happened with a boss. we will both lose our jobs. even though it is over now. I just want this to be over as fast as possible so I can move on. I am talking to a lawyer tomorrow which he does not know. he thinks we can use the same lawyer but I know my best intrests wont be represented. I am planning on signing over the house and our business we own together just to keep from fighting. like I said I want it over. just don't know whats going to stop him from continuing to harass and threaten me at work with his "proof" he pulled cell phone messages...if I could just put a stop to that I feel I can make it. right now I don't know what my future holds. I really just want my own place and be alone for awhile. just some peace of my own. thank you for not judging me. I was really worried that might happen. I do blame myself. what I done was horrible. and even though he never cared to hurt me I hate that I hurt him that way. I do still love him.
I sure as heck hope that you don't think that the good people on here would judge you harshly for reaching out for love, after suffering from the abuse that you have been dealing with. I really don't think that would ever happen here.......so don't expect that. You've got friends here who care and support you Bonnie. WE know the true story, and your husband had it coming. Let him think about him not being enough for you for awhile. It might do him good. But no, he'll automatically blame you, so , you too have more of a right to do that than him, right? blame him for making you so desperate for love. It's okay Bonnie. Everythng is going to be okay. Are you hearing me?
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if i start to talk to him about anything he always interrupts me and asks "is there a point to this story?" i always say no and then he tells me to hurry up and finish it then. so i just tell him to forget it and quit talking. i dont talk to him at all anymore. he is always telling me i am worthless for simple things like forgetting to bring home a tomato for the burgers he was grilling. he is also very jealous. he has been accusing me of having an affair almost as soon as we got married. i would cry and tell him he is all i wanted until he finally believed me. i just can't do anything right no matter how hard i try. he is always mad at me. i have been told i am trash and even left outside of a trash dump late one night. i suffer from depression. i was on antidepressants for awhile. he called them my crazy pills. to him those were proof that he was right all along. that i am a mental case. and that is my biggest worry and what confuses me the most. i have never talked to anyone about this because i am afraid he may be right. what if there is nothing wrong with him and its really me. what if i am so bad that i deserve this treatment.. i know i am not perfect. i have said hurtful things back to him too. and that worries me too. how can i say he is abusive if my words were abusive too?? i am just so confused. i think about leaving him all the time but i am afraid emotionally i wouldn't survive it. he has made so many threats including turning my family and my church family against me so that i would have no one. he is very manipulative he can make anyone believe anything he says. he can twist my words to make is sound like i've said something that i never actually said. he is that good. i just wish i knew what to do.
NO JOKE. I AM NOT MESSING WITH YOU. My abuser made me believe that I was literally worthless, that I was a ****, that I was lazy, stupid, a mental-case, a *****, you name all the bad things, I'm sure you know them well. It got so I was JUST LIKE YOU: unsure of my own worthiness! What an awful thing for someone to think of themselves! And I loved him, could not see that I was worth anything better than the abuse I endured every day. It took MUCH coaxing from my family to make me see that he was a toxic person, and even then I wasn't so sure. It got so bad that my family had to have me and our newborn baby physically extracted from his residence, in fear that he would hurt the baby (oh, and I didn't tell you that I was also a crappy mother, according to him). They kept me and our baby away from him (yes, I made attempts to go back!), and got us a restraining order. It took me MONTHS to be able to see that he was actually abusive. More months to stop feeling like I wanted him back. My family counseled me A LOT during this time, keeping forward in my head that he was not good for me and the baby. Then it took YEARS for me to come around to see myself as something more than dirt to be stomped on. THIS IS WHERE YOU ARE HEADED, My Dear. PLEASE. Do whatever you must to get away from this person! You are NOT ANY of those awful things he calls you! You are a beautiful soul who was made by God to live a happy life, and NOTHING less! Please feel free to message me anytime. (((HUGS))) - Blu