sibling abuse

[tay222]

When I was young, from about 10 to 13, my oldest brother who is 4 years older than me use to sexually abuse me.  It affected me emotionally growing up.  It made me become very quiet and shy and kept to myself. When I begged him to stop or would refuse to do something sexual, he would hit or threaten me. I never told my parents for the sake that he was my brother. I knew it wasn't okay but I didn't want to get him in trouble plus he threatened me not to tell. I always thought I would have the nerve to tell me best friend growing up but I could never do it. I never told anyone and I wasn't sure if I ever would. When we were around my other family or other people we acted completely normal towards each other like there were no problems.  I never wanted to be alone at home with him.  I was very scared of him yet I loved him because he was my brother.  I also have another brother and because of this, I was never close to either one of them.  A couple months ago, he died in an automobile accident. It was definitely a tradegy, but now I can't stop thinking about what happened when we were younger. Since he is now gone, I would really like to tell my mother or talk to somebody and get some help. I know it is  going to be very hard to talk about after all these years especially after a death. I am also kind of afraid my parents wont be understanding and might get mad at me since he has now passed and make me feel guily since they can't hear his story or maybe even not believe me.. please help

[Nighthawk61]

HI Tabby, this is an OLD POST, and only Margypops  (who commented on this post 3 years ago)  is still currently using medhelp (great girl). Reading your comment, you mentioned that you want to ask them how much has been resolved between them so that neither of your kids will continue with acts of abuse toward one another, and their emotional health is okay.  I think you should talk to a professional about this. There are alot of variables, like what age, how far the abuse went etc. but i think that a Child Psychologist could help you and your kids. (I wish my mother had of treated her kids problems with a Child Psychologist, that's for sure. So many problems could have possibly been avoided had she known enough to reach out for professional support.)  The problem is that even if the interaction between them is over, it may still result in a number of scenarios for both your kids when they are adults. ie. one or both being damanged to the degree that they abuse their kids or others, that they gravitate towards abuse, etc. It is always best to see a Psychologist to help out in cases of sexual abuse. You can't be expected to deal with it yourself, it's too big.

[tabby3020]

You are getting some good advise, I am proud of how brave you are to finally speak out. There is alot of this abuse that is never revealed and therefore the chain goes unbroken. My daughter has recently revealed her secret with my son and he is 5 years older than her. I never noticed any signs of abuse only sibling rivalry. She doesnt hate him and they still have what looks to be a happy relationship. Even though I know, It tears me up inside to want to ask them how much this has been resolved between them so neither one will continue with acts of abuse toward another, that their emotional health is ok. I guess finding that fine line between letting go and suppressing is important. Forgive and forget is easier said than done. From my perspective you seem very intelligent and strong, the choice is yours alone, seeing your post has helped me know that it is more common than people know and preventing it would be a good tool for single parents, like myself. Thank you for sharing!

[margypops]

I agree with narla that counselling before would be a good thing, but I also think it is important for your healing that you do tell them what happened to you, you are the injured party, get some advice first then tell them the facts , there is no reason they should be mad at you, you did nothing wrong he was the abuser.Good luck

[narla]

You will need counselling to deal with this,and the sooner you can work through your feelings and emotions the better,I think it would be hard to know how your parents would react as your brother is now dead,but if you work with a counsellor they will help you to decide what's best for you,some counsellors will see your parents with you if you need moral support and they can also explain to your parents why you have never said anything earlier,first and foremost talk to a professional they will guide you and help you come to terms with everything,I was also sexually abused by my brother from the ages of 7 to 10 he was 10 years older than me,so I understand why you said nothing I never told my parents until I was in my late 20s,and I have only dealt with my feelings and emotions in the last 10 months and I'm 48.So if you can get it dealt with now don't wait till it ruins your life.Good Luck You can PM me if you want to talk.

Denise

[Dazon50]

Myenzoorka gave some good advice.  Right now, it is so fresh.  The way it could be interpreted may not be so good.  Your getting help will also include the difficult questions as to why it couldn't have been confronted earlier.

By that I mean, if there were fears, passivity, blocking you from telling others before.    A therapist can help you examine what needs to be examined and for you to let go of what you can as you are strong enough to.

There are many thoughts that come into mind and trouble someone when they are left with the memories of non-closure.  I wish you the best in resolving this and healing so that you can be free from the chains that hurt still.

[myenzoorka]

You are right that your brother's death may provoke your family to get mad at you or not understand.  Parents can be very dismissive with information they don't want to hear - especially with something like this as they will probably feel you are not only blaming your brother, but them too.  You should seek professional help first.  Once you do, you should work on how to tell your family and how to deal with whatever their reaction may be.