I dont want to ruin my relationship.

[jester4468]

I have had several occasions over the last two months of getting into an irrationally jealous state of rage. Some of it has been caused or made worse by drinking but sometimes followed me seeing photos of an intimate nature of my girlfriend and an ex partner, sometimes with another woman. The result has been me being verbally abusive, very hurtful to her and then not remembering anything I have said after. I know that we have a past and truly believe she loves me, yet cannot stop myself from being triggered into anger. How do I return to being as happy as I was before seeing the photos?

[Nighthawk61]

I have had several occasions over the last two months of getting into an irrationally jealous state of rage.
Some of it has been caused or made worse by drinking.....
but sometimes followed me seeing photos.....

Prior to seeing the photos, have you had a problem dealing with your gf's past or how she's conducted herself? perhaps subconsciously? Have you had an argumentative past? In other words, how long have you been with your gf ?  Is this the tip of the iceberg? or the first problem that you are experiencing in your relationship?

Has your drinking escalated? Perhaps not, there is a time when our drinking becomes unmanageable, and black outs occur. Although you may have some problems in your relationships , generally the natural flow of alcoholism results in black outs. If you have black out drinking , it's time you considered quitting.

[specialmom]

Oh goodness.  You think blacking out in a rage is something someone shouldn't see a professional for?  Well, okay.  

Jester, in my honest opinion, I think counseling would do you a world of good.  Learning to handle something even emotionally devastating is really important.  Learning healthy ways to handle it will benefit your life.

good luck to you.

I got your pm jester and will read it shortly and get back to you.  peace

[allmymarbles]

If a person is compelled (or feels compelled) to accept something that is abhorrent to him, rage might well be reasonable. In a case like that removing the cause is the solution, not therapy.

[specialmom]

Even a moral objection is not an excuse for excessive rage and blacking out in an angry fit.  THAT is what the therapy is for.  The ability to better cope with anger.  

[allmymarbles]

I am wondering if you are suffering from jealousy or if a moral issue is involved. How do you feel about lesbian relationships (and I am not asking for a politically correct response)?

A strong moral objection could put the kibosh on this relationship - and no amount of therapy would save it.

[specialmom]

Hi there.  well, glad you realize you have a problem.  That is the first step to overcoming it.

I do have to ask where you saw these pictures?  Who would keep those?  They need to be disposed of in my opinion.  For exactly the reason that has happened here.  I mean, if your girlfriend has them, now she's allowed you to see another woman and man being intimate and they might not appreciate that.  If someone else showed them to you, it certainly is causing a problem with your girlfriend.  It's really not smart to take or have these pics.

with that being said, issues of a rage you can't control are not necessarily triggered.  It means you have a problem with anger and you should in no way claim that she caused you to go into a rage.  That was your own doing.  That is important in terms of accountability.  She didn't deserve your wrath.  Sure, you can be upset and mad but a rage in which you lost control is not acceptable and not her fault.  

do you lack impulse control with other things?  

I would suggest a therapist to get good strategies to be able to control yourself.  Similar strategies are used with children that have tantrums which basically a rage fit in an adult is the grown up version of a tantrum.  Kids that don't learn to control themselves grow up to be adults that struggle with this so I'd go back to square one and learn how to handle things in more appropriate ways.

something you can do is to think of what you could do INSTEAD of losing it.  Drinking is a bad idea so take that off the list of go to things when upset.  Instead, what about a run, lifting weights, taking a long walk, listening to your favorite music through headphones.  A kickboxing class, a speed bag *punching bag* etc  Outlets for the tension are good.  For immediate moments of anger, excuse yourself.  Go to a quiet place.  Have a walk but don't talk policy meaning that you need a cool down moment in which she doesn't try to talk to you and you don't talk to her.  Open and close your fists tightly.  Count to ten.  Do deep breathing such as square breathing (hold 4 breath in 4, hold 4 breath out 4, repeat).  Long term, get into some yoga and meditation.  

But yes, you have to get this under control.  I would never recommend someone to stay with a person with rage problems if they surface while dating.  It's no way to live with a hot head who loses it.  So, get this under control so she doesn't leave you.  

But the idea of these pictures does concern me.  Still wondering how this came up.

Anyway, if you are interested in the stress thermometer to self manage anger, it can be a helpful tool.  Let me know if you'd like me to explain that.  

Totally agree that it sounds like counseling/therapy is a must.  By the way, do you suffer anxiety by any chance?  It can show itself through being angered and having rage.  good luck

[Godisfaithful]

Hi; I have to say I appreciate you coming and being honest about your anger. You don't find that too often. That means you are looking for help. I pray you are serious about seeking change. I would suggest you go to someone for counseling. Counseling is not a bad thing and it doesn't mean you are crazy. We all go through something in our lives where we need help to process or overcome it. I also would suggest you stay away from anything that causes you to be angry until you get this emotion under raps. Don't look at anymore pics and don't drink no more. Looking at pics like those would trigger something in anyone. But, get help in overcoming this because you have already moved into abuse. And that is dangerous. What makes it more dangerous is the fact you don't remember. I cannot stress it enough, but please, please seek counseling. Not counseling from a friend, but a professional. Praying you find someone that will help you. Praying for you and your girlfriend also. Keep in touch.