trouble learning to trust

[Kriskitty]

I have been with my boyfriend for 9 years. And I still have severe trust issues. I cannot learn to trust him. Even though he shows me over and over I can.   he has not ever fooled around on me. I know he is telling me the truth that he does not like looking at other girls when I ask him. I always blow up because of what some situations may appear to be then he explains it to me and I see that it wasnt what I thought and I feel bad for blowing up about it. How do I get over the fear of him possibly dissappointing or devastating me. And trust him long and far enough to find out whether he is gonna hurt me or not?

[BTS1022]

As far as men looking, that's completely natural. And just because they do look, does not mean that he is a cheater or that he is looking for his next possible sexual encounter. Men are attracted to women. Women are attracted to other men. When a man or woman simply looks at another of the opposite sex, we are only seeing the outside. And just because the outside looks good, the inside we don't know about, and shouldn't know if we're in exclusive relationships.

I know my DF looks at other women, he will admit it. I ask him what about the girl that he finds attractive, it may be large breasts, or simply how her hair is curly. I thin Jason Statham from the transporter is absolutely drop dad amazing! I find his accent and his muscles very appealing. Now my DF is 6'0 tall and barely a muscle on him lol, but that does not mean, that I love him any less, or that i'm attracted to him any less. It's what's on the inside that matters. Looking at a woman is a million times different, than him trying to see her from a more personal/emotional level.

You should be open to your boyfriend about your feelings, but not in an emotional wreck or b!tchy type of way. If I feel uneasy about something with my DF I will ask him more out of curiosity than accusation. Accusing your man, can lead him to do what you are accusing him of. A lot of people have the mentality of "Well if I am being accused of it, I might as well be guilty of it" It's not the right way to do things, but that's 9 times out of 10 what happens.

And no matter the reason behind your mistrust. You need to remember, that not all men are the same. If you had a previous boyfriend who cheated, does not mean this one will, or if your father left at a young age, does not mean this man will leave you high and dry either.

[willie1107]

One more thing , I like the comment I read that when a guy tells you he does not look at other girls thats definatly who you don"t trust , you are picking that kind of guy also and you don"t even know it .... remember your #1 always that way you can fell free and healthy about any one your with .... the key is love your self.......

[willie1107]

My only advise to you would be // and only because I lived it and went far beond that now is  remember out of all the sperm cells your the one that made it .... that makes you !!! you!! special so don"t ever think for one second that you!!  and I mean you !!have to put up with some other person making you sad. Just try this thinking do not let any one in your life unless they are making it better and if there not then well .... move on  be happy with you first and the rest will fall into place ....

[teko]

Well, if he says he doesnt look at other girls he is lying. All people look, it is just natural. Secondly, it sounds like something has either happened to you prior to this relationship, or you just have a low self image and feel like you are not good enuff to keep a man for some reason. If you have been together for 9 years and still have trust issues, it is time for some therapy. This is actually more common than you may think. You are not alone even tho it feels like you are. Therapy can def help.

[Dazon50]

Margypops has some excellent suggestions to consider.  We can make something true by the way we act over time (self-fulfilling prophecy).  Finding out why you have this deep seated fear that is disrupting your life/peace/trust would help you in so many ways.  As another person, I can ask if you had a father who left your mother or committed adultery or someone close to you or if you had another relationship in which you were deeply in love and was betrayed by the person?

Nine years is packing in some time.  The 7 year itch (http://wiki.answers.com/Q/What_is_'the_seven_year_itch') has been passed.  There are optimistic signs in which he has tried to reassure you.  Showing him you are making an effort & being honest will help in the mean time while you seek additional help to understand the reasons and what you can do to overcome this fear.

Living life involves risks...some of us are robbed of truly experiencing freedom because we remain in bondage to our fears and worries.  Make that door open to freedom by making choices to move in that direction :-))))  

[allmymarbles]

Look at it from his point of view. One day he may get tired of your suspicions and lack of faith....

[margypops]

Did you ever get any help or therapy for the trust issues as something must have triggered this response in you, maybe from your childhood, I feel that further help is needed especially if he has shown no inclination to be untrust worthy.He may eventually find it is too much to live with.At                                        least you realise it is you that can change it, turn it around , you are not in denial. Perhaps it is your thoughts of him being unfaithful that are making it worse, it is our thoughts that very often make us feel bad ,get into a habit of switching the negative thoughts to positive things in your life .Sounds like he is very patient and loving, thats worth a lot.