now what

[squirrelygirl]

i am a recovering alcoholic,,,,seven years clean,,relapse third dwi, haven't driven  in three years,,stress luckily no one was involved...i grew up in an emotionally distant family,,,,youngest of four,,mother only screamed communication of inadequacy despite my straight a's as i was always trying to please...father did not stop abuse,,,,was molested by neighbor man at six,,,struggled wih bulimia for years,,,now i am in remission from bulimia, smoking, alcohol,,,and was using internet dating as a fix....now....i  realized all too soon this is stealing my soul....i am currently taking xanax .25 mg and wellbutrin 100mg per day in junction with running five miles a day and eating healthy....hope to have my license back  in a few months and would like to receive counseling for hyperhydrosis....hands/feet....social anxiety..mild depression and feelings of inadequacy...i have not received comprehensive treatment in past attempts and need advice....am a forty six year old woman,,,,mother of one beautiful son...currently separated

[squirrelygirl]

thank you

[J T Junig, MD PhD]

I am a bit confused over the description of yourself as a 'recovering alcoholic' but then the comment that you haven't had comprehensive treatment-- and the mention of a number of addictive medications or behaviors.  'Recovery' has a number of benefits for all of the things you mention;  recently I saw a woman who was attending several meetings a week but still angry and irritable, and my first question was 'how is your recovery'... after talking for a bit we realized that she was going through the motions in her recovery but had become off track in her attitudes, for example starting to wonder, a number of years after treatment, whether she was an alcoholic after all...  My point is that she was doing a bunch of surface things but deep down had the same old addictive thinking that caused her misery years earlier.

In your case, you have a number of manifestations of the same theme, and if you don't get to the core feelings, you will keep stamping out the fires but they will only start up again somewhere else.  I would guess that the basic problem is related to 'borderline' structure to your personality;  this may have arisen because of the lack of an intense bond with mom during the crucial first and second year of your life-- she is tired, you are the 4th baby.... dad is not helpful....  all of the things after that only added to the same core problem.  Opiate dependence and alcoholism are very common with borderline-- note I am not saying 'borderline personality disorder (BPD', but rather 'borderline structure'....  I don't know if you have the criteria for BPD, but I would bet that you have a 'borderline structure' to your personality.  

I'm tired tonight so this is all a bit scattered, I realize...  I leave for Paris tomorrow morning and I'm too worked up to sleep, so you all get a scattered psychiatrist instead.

Without that intense bond during the first year, people grow up with a chronic empty feeling-- a 'hole' inside them that can never be filled.  You will fill it temporarily with drugs, or straight A's, or the approval of an internet suitor... but the need is insatiable, and the 'hole' cannot ever be filled.  Moods are more intense, and subject to rapid change when you imagine rejection or abandonment;  you will have a great day and then someone you want to be friends with will cancel a date, and you will think 'the person really doesn't like me... she hates me... she knows I'm a phony....' and the whole day is suddenly ruined.  Some people will try to avoid the nagging sadness by staying 'fired up' and excited-- acting 'manic' to avoid feeling sad.  THESE ARE THE PEOPLE WHO ARE OFTEN MISDIAGNOSED AS 'BIPOLAR'.   But it isn't bipolar;  bipolar would be treatable with lithium or an anticonvulsant or an antipsychotic, but 'borderline' mood swings don't respond well to anything.  So the person ends up on tons of meds, feeling like a 'guinea pig'...  experiences every side effect in the book... and wonders why everyone else seems so happy when they are so miserable.

This situation is so common... you are certainly not alone.  I recommend a book considered the classic in 'borderline' circles, called 'I hate you, don't leave me'.  

I could be wrong-- I realize that, as I just 'met you' ten minutes ago.  But your story sounds very familiar with the story I hear from others.  Deep down inside there is a little girl's voice, asking 'why doesn't mommy love me'?  Recovery involves learning that the voice will ALWAYS be there... but that is OK.  You can learn to tolerate it-- it isn't real, but rather it is only a distorted memory.  

I like the 12 step programs because they are an inexpensive way to explore these types of feelings, amid others who are trying to understand similar feelings.  Individual therapy can be useful, but only if you happen to find a good therapist.

I wish you the best;  it sounds like you are learning many of the patterns on your own.  Just try to recognize that the things you are chasing cannot be caught;  the hole you are trying to fill cannot be filled.  Instead you will do best to stop trying to find something on the outside that changes how you feel, and to rather assess what you already have after the destructive things are eliminated.  

[squirrelygirl]

why no reply?