son dropped out of college

[lalor]

my son gave up his college course even though he had to repeat school to get it. he started drinkg taking drugs living with a girl, now is working here and there but says he has no desire to go back to college the girl friend is in more or less the same position. we lost contact as things were so tense for a while we are back seeing him again but he takes no advice from us and has no remorse for all the  tension of the past two years he is 21 now and i worry about his future as he has no qualifications he could go back to college as he Can you give any advice.

[Jason Greenberg, Ph.D.]

It sounds like you are much more worried about your son's future than he is, not that he is unaware of the issue.  I have a few more thoughts about this.  First, I am not aware of the figures that you mention that say that left to their own devices, children do not find something to do with their life in time.  I would imagine that many actually do, others don't.  Second, it may be more beneficial for your relationship to focus less on what your son "does" and more on who he "is."  As you point out, he is handsome, charming and has a great personality.  If you are able to do so, you also send the message that 1) no matter what he does, you still love and embrace who he is; 2) you have faith in his ability as an adult to sort his life out for himself.   As an additional benefit, stepping back may also then leave him to confront for himself the worry about his future, which you may be serving at the moment to "hold" for him.

[lalor]

Thank you for the reply.  He is aware of the consquences of his actions, and admits he needs to do something with his life and says he will in time.  We all know the figures show that generally speaking that never happens. What if he stays like this for life.  About his girl friend, he has been with her for over a year and he always has had girl friends since he was 12.He is very handsome and very charming and most people feel he has a fantastic personality, he has a huge amount of so called friends and if he ever trys to break up with girl friends there is always trouble, they seem to want him at any cost.
I feel guilty because he has many talents in the writing and artistic and music area and I have not been able to get him to reach any potential. I know its important to have a relationship with him but I find it so difficult when I know he is just dosssing about and wasting time.
He says I am too controlling and too demanding but if left alone he does nothing

[Jason Greenberg, Ph.D.]

You are in the difficult position of paying attention to and worrying about the potential consequences of your son's actions more than he is (it is not clear whether or not he is unaware of them or does not want to deal with them at this time).  As you have already experienced, you cannot force him to do what he does not want to do or is afraid to do at this time.  If you would like to maintain a decent relationship with him, your best bet is to  "wait this period out" by remaining supportive (emotionally).  It sounds like trying to convince him to return to school has been met with a lot of resistance at this point, to continue to try that approach will likely lead to further resistance on his part.  As an aside, if this relationship does not work out (which is more likely than not to happen), you might find him more receptive to you.